TW: My husband (M29) and I (F28) have been married since August 2023. In September 2023, we moved into my MIL’s house because my FIL left and returned to his home country, and she is unable to live alone. Initially, we thought FIL would move back in, allowing us to move out, but in April 2025, he tragically took his own life.
This was devastating for my husband and even more traumatic for my MIL and SIL.
MIL, around 56, has no major health issues and works full-time, but she has always been dependent and has become even more reliant on my husband since my FIL’s passing. We no longer engage in marital activities outside of the bedroom. We must inform her whenever we leave the house (her house, her rules), and it’s uncomfortable to even watch TV in the living room, let alone enjoy a beer openly. She frequently makes passive-aggressive comments and expects us to spend time with her—playing card games or going out for meals—even when we have other commitments like work.
Living here has become suffocating. I rarely leave our bedroom, which doubles as my workspace since I work remotely, making the situation even more stifling. To make matters worse, my MIL doesn’t know how to access or pay her own household bills and frequently discusses finances with my husband, checking if he has paid them. This frustrates me because I value privacy and believe financial matters should remain within our marriage. I’ve told my husband I feel like “the mistress,” to which he responded, “Ew, that’s gross, why would you even think that way?”
Things aren’t improving, and my husband is currently between jobs, trying to become a full-time trader, which I support. He’s comfortable in this situation, despite acknowledging that his mother is difficult to live with and was the reason his father left. In South Asian culture, there’s an expectation for the man to care for his mother and sister. I’ve been struggling because my MIL denies any wrongdoing, refuses to change, and gaslights us into thinking we’re at fault. I’m considering renting an apartment to use as a workspace, returning only to sleep. My husband understands my reasons but doesn’t want me to do it because he’s not currently earning, and it would be funded by my savings. I feel guilty about leaving her, especially after her husband’s recent passing, but I find it hard to breathe here. They refuse to even adjust the AC temperature despite my repeated requests, as I’m always cold and now wear two or three layers indoors.
I just want a space I can call home, where I can enjoy sunlight on a patio and eat my meals in peace. Am I wrong? My husband is wonderful, but I can’t live here anymore, or I fear one of us will reach a breaking point. Any thoughts and perspectives are welcome.
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Who is paying for the upkeep, utilities, and food
Are you expected to pay for their lifestyle and are you expected to cook, clean, and essentially maintain their life without having any say or control?
From where I’m sitting, it seems like your unemployed husband wants to be able to access your money to pay for his mom and sister and if you get your own apartment then he won’t have as much money at his disposal.
My personal opinion, you leave and he can either come with or stay but either way you’ll get an answer to his ultimate loyalty
There is absolutely no reason an able-bodied, fully employed 56 year old can’t live alone. I seriously had to read that paragraph a few times bc I couldn’t figure out what I was missing. OMG. You understand she could easily live another 30-35 YEARS! Unless I am really missing something, I truly don’t get it. I’m in my 50’s myself. Unless there is a disability, I can’t fathom being in your 50’s and “not capable” of living alone.
“Not capable” and “not willing” or “expected culturally” are massively different things. This sounds like a huge case of weaponized incompetence.
Rent the apartment and stay there until you can decide if this is really how you want to spend the next 20, 30 years. I guess he is wonderful since he bends to tradition even though his wife is miserable. Do you financially contribute to MIL’s household while husband is unemployed?
You are absolutely not wrong. You don’t need to feel guilty about leaving her. She is young, she isn’t an invalid and she has her daughter and YOUR husband taking care of her. And he is neglecting your needs as his wife. Go ahead and get yourself a comfortable workspace. But be prepared for him to want to ‘visit’ you during the day. Be prepared to shut that down early. This is to be your space. He can live with his mother and see you when you get to his home after your work day ends, or he can move out with you and visit his mom occasionally. Not both.
You need to move. What hubby does or does not do is your answer. This is an untenable situation for you.
“ her house her rules” only applies when you are living there for free. In your situation where your husband is basically running her life for her and you guys are helping pay the bills and support her that rule goes right out the window.
I don’t want to upset you further, but it sounds like you have a husband problem as well. He could certainly put his foot down and make them adjust the AC and tell them that you’re going to drink a beer openly and if they don’t like it, you’re moving out. Clearly he is not standing up for the two of you as a couple
Rent a nice little studio or apartment for your office, set it up so you can sleep there and gradually move more and more of your stuff there. One day you’ll realise that you are never going back.
Alternatively, you and SO find a house that has seperate granny accommodation and move there. This will mean that she is living in YOUR house,not the other way around so you can be the boss of things. She can have freezing aircon there and hubby can sort out her bills. Really, if she can hold down a job she can do this stuff. Is sounds like willful incompetance, so you could threaten her with assisted living.
You just need to move. With or without him.