My (32 female) husband (33 male) of 4.5 years has been physically and verbally abusive numberous times over the course of our marriage. He has shoved me, called me a “selfish piece of shit” while I was pregnant, shoved me and cornered me while I was holding our baby among other things throughout the course of our marriage. None of this was ever talked about until recently. We would pretend it didn’t happen partly because I was afraid and partly because he has previously had suicidal ideation.
Fast forward to recently about 4 years into our marriage when I finally got the courage to bring it up in couples therapy. He has been going to therapy and trying to be better. There has still been screaming and yelling sometimes but overall there has been improvement. This has happened before and then he will get scary again and yell and grab me. I am unsure if it’s realistic for me even if he does completely change to see him as a safe life partner.
So, am I valid in my feelings? Or am I blowing things out of proportion?
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: My (32 female) husband (33 male) of 4.5 years has been physically and verbally abusive numberous times over the course of our marriage. He has shoved me, called me a “selfish piece of shit” while I was pregnant, shoved me and cornered me while I was holding our baby among other things throughout the course of our marriage. None of this was ever talked about until recently. We would pretend it didn’t happen partly because I was afraid and partly because he has previously had suicidal ideation.
Fast forward to recently about 4 years into our marriage when I finally got the courage to bring it up in couples therapy. He has been going to therapy and trying to be better. There has still been screaming and yelling sometimes but overall there has been improvement. This has happened before and then he will get scary again and yell and grab me. I am unsure if it’s realistic for me even if he does completely change to see him as a safe life partner.
So, am I valid in my feelings? Or am I blowing things out of proportion?
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I can’t think of a scenario where staying in an abusive relationship would be the way to go.
I’m glad you’re in couples therapy. But please leave your marriage. Perhaps the therapist can help the two of you discuss this in a safe and rational way?
In no scenario will staying in an abusive relationship play out well for you. Best case scenario, you’ll always be on edge, wondering, worrying about what will set him off.
You aren’t blowing this out of proportion.
He put you and your child in harm’s way multiple times. You are staying with someone who has no regard for the safety of his own child. He is not safe life partner. There is no improvement. If you say that he gets scary again and grabs you then nothing has changed. You’re trying to convince yourself that it can work. That he can change. He won’t. And the longer you try to convince yourself of this the longer you risk your and your child’s life. If you don’t want to do it for you, be a good mother and do it for your child.
Leave. Go to a women’s shelter. If you stay it will get worse, not better. You also put your child’s life at risk. If you go, it may be hard at first but it will get better
please leave. there’s so many people who dont leave before it’s too late.
Do YOU have an individual therapist? You need one. You need someone to support you as you navigate leaving this situation.
You need to leave for your own safety and for your child. It’s hard. A therapist helps.
This is the voice of experience.
Please leave him
If it is an abusive relationship you have to leave and cut ties. Full stop.
Unpopular perspective- The only caveat is that the way you described it was as fights that got out of hand, but weren’t really that bad, rather than real abuse. Sometimes that’s because abuse victims minimize things. But sometimes people exaggerate, demonize a partner and call everything abuse. So you have to be honest with yourself over whether he’s instigating things, and whether these insults and rare instances of pushing or cornering are a pattern of demeaning and intimidation. Or did you actually say or do something over the top and have you been creating a hostile environment that got an extreme, super frustrated reaction out him.
Maybe the guy is a psycho. But there are women abusers out there that describe things In similar ways. I accept the downvotes. It might not be true for you. But it is true.
You need to leave him before he escalates his abuse and more. Get a lawyer asap. I would file a police report of the abuse and let them know you are leaving him and are afraid of him. Consult any organization like Eomen in Distress who can help you know what do. Best wishes to you!
You are 100% valid in your feelings. Protect yourself, protect your child.
Surely, if you had a decent therapist they would have advised you (away from your husband) that joint therapy with an abuser is a terrible idea.
He won’t get better except at weaponising therapy-speak to minimise your feelings ánd keep you in this abusive relationship.
Leave. Now.
Think about it this way: imagine that you are your child and your husband is their spouse. How would you feel if someone treated your child the way he treats you? If you stay in this situation you will normalize this abuse for your children.
Start documenting everything! Every time he raises his voice, intimates you, shoves you, everything! Especially if he does it while your child is present. If recording is legal where you are, start recording too. BUT… be careful! Leaving an abusive partner is dangerous, but not as dangerous as staying. Be very cautious and sneaky. Get important documents together and move them to a safe location. Quietly start moving stuff out under the radar. Get help from friends and family. Stay strong, stay safe, keep your child safe.
Girl, run. This WILL NOT get better.
Eventually, he’ll abuse your child too. Or your child will grow up thinking that the abuse he subjects you to is normal; your child could end up in an abusive relationship too or become an abuser like your husband. Don’t let them grow up like that. When you leave, do it when that asshole isn’t home or make sure people are with you when you go.
Get out. Make a plan and leave as quickly as you can. Please consider calling a DV line for safety tips and suggestions. Be safe about it. But definitely get out ASAP.
If you stay there will be trouble
Why girl why. Get out with your baby. You both deserve better.
You need a new therapist. And to leave.
Someone who ever puts their hands on you will NEVER be safe. Get out.
Leave asap please 🙏
Are you honestly asking if you’re making too much of a fuss about your husband beating you?
Lady, you need individual therapy as a matter of urgency because your worldview is completely skewed.
You should have left the first time he ever got abusive.
It’s not an abusive relationship. You’re in a relationship with an abuser, and your child is living with an abuser. If you can’t do it for yourself you owe it to your child
Title says it all. Run.
Read the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. If you Google there are even free PDFs of the whole book online.
Long story short, abusers need DEEP reconditioning therapy in order to be non abusive, and if that’s even possible for him, it won’t be for many years and significant effort on his part.
And even if he can change, which is very unlikely, it doesn’t matter anyway because he’s already abused YOU and used up all his chances.
Sending you hugs, friend. You already know what’s right. You can do this 💪❤️
A person cannot really be therapized into viewing others as human beings who are owed respect. You can go to therapy all you want, he’s never going to treat you like an equal or stop hitting you.
Leave before your child is old enough to watch you get hurt.
Fucking GET OUT!!!! Appreciate these reasonable comments but WTF!!! Your children are witnesses. He’s a piece of shit that deserves NOTHING. Leave this man, get full custody and child support. Get a fucking restraining order.
“My husband calls me a piece of shit and beats my ass in front of my kids… am I blowing things out of proportion?”
Girl… come on. My god.
You should go.
Totally valid. Violence also escalates over time. Aside from you and your children being in danger, the two of you are modeling a relationship for them that will shape their adult life choices.
“he will get scary again and yell and grab me”…in my state (WA) that alone would absolutely be considered DV. Most of what you’re describing is for sure abuse. And while you were pregnant too 😡. That’s not right and I’m sorry you’re experiencing this!
I just got out of an 11 year relationship with my kids dad. He put his hands on my once and I let it go for the sake of our home and 1 kid at that time – we have 2 together now.
The second time it happened that was it for me. I called the cops and he went to jail. After he got out things escalated even further when he tried to violate the protection order and grab our oldest from school. He went straight back to jail.
Now I’m a single mom of 2 having to move out of our home and into either an apartment or trailer park. Rather do that than live in the chaos and insanity tho!
I have an amazingly strong and supportive community around me. Without that I’m not sure I’d be strong enough to leave.
👁️👄👁️ girl leave.