So, I’m a 27F and I’ve been dating my ex (27M) on and off for about 5 years. We started dating almost a month after officially meeting, and honestly, things felt a little off from the start. He was immature—still DMing other girls with heart emojis while “promoting” on social media, defensive, and eventually dropped out of college a year after we made it official.
When we met, I was still in school, had my own apartment (splitting rent with my mom), working, and providing for myself with a little help from my parents. Fast forward to now—I’ve graduated and am in a graduate program. Meanwhile, he still hasn’t had a stable job or consistent income for more than 7–9 months at a time. Most of his finances have come from his parents.
At one point, we moved in together and ended up getting evicted. It was both our faults, but I had lived in two apartments before that and never missed a payment. While living together, we fought a lot. He’d come home late, lied about visiting a girl’s house (which I found out through his phone), but claimed nothing happened. He said he only went to tell her they couldn’t be involved because she worked for his “business.” It was messy.
We’re broken up now. I’ll admit I cheated during the last month we were together. I felt guilty and told him what happened, and said I thought we should break up. He was understandably upset but still wants to be together.
Here’s the thing: I do love him. Despite everything, he’s one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever dated. He opens doors, supports me at every event, will drive hours just to bring me something, and always makes sure I’m included in his life. But he still doesn’t bring in any real money or show the financial and emotional maturity I want in a long-term partner.
He wants to get married, but I honestly don’t see how that’s realistic right now. I’d be paying for everything, and I’m starting to question whether love is really enough to build a life on.
TL;DR: Dated my ex (27M) on and off for 5 years. He’s sweet and supportive but has no financial stability or consistent job history. I cheated near the end and broke up with him. He still wants to be together, but I’m torn—love is there, but so is the fear of carrying the whole relationship alone
Comments
Jesus Christ. Pretend one of your best friends told you this story. What would you advise her to do?
You can love someone and still recognize that the relationship isn’t going to work. You’ve already seen the imbalance in real time with all you listed here: the eviction, the inconsistent work history, the fights, the cheating (on both sides). That’s not judgment–just an observation of facts. Love can’t thrive where survival is in question, especially if you are the one always carrying the load. More so, love can’t grow when there’s no trust, and questionable fidelity. You cheating may have been a response to knowing that his story about the visit with that girl. I don’t know him, and I don’t believe him. Or you may have cheated for other reasons–maybe it’s not new to you, but wouldn’t you want to be with someone that you would never think of cheating on?
If you were to stay together now, you wouldn’t just be a partner– as it is now, you’d be the provider, the planner, the emotional regulator, the motivator. And you may be willing to be all the above, but I can speak from experience that will not last, and what is acceptable now will become resentment later.
if you’re coming to reddit with this story, i think you already know the answer.
Who do you love more, him or yourself?
I think you have to prioritize yourself here. Assume nothing changes. He’s not gonna change. He’ll be the same guy with the same problems in 10 years. Will you be happy because he’s sweet? Is that enough?
Do you have future plans or dreams? Do you want children?
How often are you in contact currently/see each other?
Wow, this sounds verbatim like me and my ex. We were best friends and I could not imagine life without him no matter the toxic stuff we went through but one day I woke up at 29 and realized it was never going to change. I looked in the mirror and realized I was very unhappy with myself.
While we were still together, I found a really good therapist. And the more I started to work on myself, the more distance drove between us. I developed higher self-esteem and that ultimately made me leave him for good.
It was hard for the first year. However, I’m such a better person now. I didn’t realize how much he was holding me back. I’m in such a better place in life. And I’m so happy I left.
You say that the two of you have similar career goals. What career goals does he have? He doesn’t work. It sounds like he can’t keep a job even if he could get one. Was he at least doing household stuff when you were living together? Did he clean and wash dishes and stuff? Or did you have to do all of that too?
OP I’m sorry but this guy sounds like he will drag you down in the end. Actually, he already has with that eviction.