The you for reading this. It is long.
Our 15year old son is angry, and mostly at me. I’ll give background, but today it started bc I saw he snuck his phone last night, lied to me (tried saying it wasn’t him that texted or used IG, etc), and I saw a post about him and a friend planning on sneaking out. That conversation was fine. I told him I knew he was lying, this doesn’t help trust, and make better choices.
I did give him the phone later on. He had been better. It’s nice out. Day off school. Ans he knew what time to be him.
I later saw him and the kid, asked them about sneaking out, and started videoing myself telling them to cut it out and I know about the chats.
Mind you, the video was for his father. No one else. I have never posted something to embarrass them. I don’t even post grades.
He was furious. Cussed (f word), dropped racial slur, and was super angry and embarrassed as we got in the car.
The sneaking out has been an issue for a few years. Two years ago he and “the only cool kid around here” snuck out, tried to break in some place, got arrested. He had been sneaking out before. We tried using Ring cameras, tiring him out, therapy, talking, having fun, but he was determined.
Recently he got out in the alternative school. He has been doing great, but there was one incident, his record from 2 years ago came up, and that was it. We decided to let him deal with consequences.
Then we find carts. I learned from the school, when he got caught with one, that carts are marijuana. We have talked about marijuana and smoking a lot – and how it is not safe, etc. The kid he was talking about sneaking out does smoke weed – I’ve seen the texts
We also told him this is causing issues with me socially (some ppl don’t include me anymore) as well as his older brother. Now he is trying to sneak out again and is outright lying to me constantly.
So that is some background. I’m sure I’m forgetting some.
He does have a therapist he sees in person. I keep asking if it is helping, is he taking it seriously, etc. I don’t know if it’s helping. I am going to try and get an appt for this week – currently scheduled for next week.
He refuses to give me his phone. I have it pretty much useless right now. I’m terrified he will try to sneak out. I am walking on eggshells so he and his older brother don’t get into a brawl. This is causing family issues. I have a therapist, my oldest does too, but I’m looking at a family therapist for all of us to meet. We need something.
A neighbor went through this 10 yr ago. She said she was advised not to suspend service by her therapist. Situation is different in many ways. But I don’t know what to do.
Any advice?
Thank you
Edit: the sneaking out stopped after his arrest.
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Ask his therapist’s advice on what to do with the phone. I have no idea what the whole situation is, but my thought is that the phone behavior is more a symptom of bigger problems. Getting rid of the phone forever may not improve anything. You could use parental controls to block access to social media, if you think a site is a bad influence.
Ask his therapist for the name of any family therapists he/she recommends. Family therapy is about improving the relationship with each other and teaching you better ways to respond to his bad choices.
I would suspend the service. He is in no way following any rules whatsoever. Why keep rewarding him with a phone.
Thank you. I did suspend the phone. There are other things going on with him, and I continue to talk to him, but he’ll have to really earn it back.
Looking for family therapist … one for all of us to talk and hear all sides.
A phone is not a civil right. He’s using it to coordinate breaking into places. Someday, God forbid, he may break into the WRONG place.
Take the phone away. If he was getting drunk, you would take the whiskey away. Take the phone. If he erupts, call the police. He is too old to be holding the entire house hostage to his moods.
Take care, OP.
I have no advice on the phone, that is purely up to you as his parent.
I will say that family therapy is a good route. This situation seems to be escalating the more you engage with it. Therapy can help get to the route of the problem and establish trust on both ends. It’s clear he is not willing to listen to you. The behavior will continue if the route cause is not established and worked on. Otherwise he will end up in a rather bad situation and learn that his actions have consequences. He needs to be held accountable for his behavior.