I am seeking advice on what I should do about my suspicions about a friend having a crush on another friend’s husband. There hasn’t been any “hard” core proof but it’s all the little comments and interactions that are building my suspicion more and more every day. For some context, I 29f met my best friend Ashley 28f freshman year of high school. After we graduated we got a summer job where we met Stephanie 29f. That summer we became really close and have been friends ever since. Ashley met her husband Dylan 29 m about 8 years ago. They have been married for 5 years and have a 3 year old son. I never noticed any difference in how he interacts with me and Steph. And till this day I still don’t see a difference from him. The one who is starting to act differently and weird is Steph. I first started to notice this behavior a few months ago.
Back in about February, Ash invited us over and when it was time to eat, my sister Jessica 25f placed her plate and drink down on the dinner table. She went to grab silverware and when she came back Steph had moved her plate to the next seat and took her spot which happened to be right next to Dylan. Steph never said “ I was sitting here first” or anything along those lines but I think she knew Jessica wasn’t going to fight over a seat. Ever since that night we have noticed that she always makes sure to sit right next to him anytime we go to visit them. I have also noticed that she tries to be touchy with him. More than once she goes out of her way to slap his shoulder when he says something “funny.” On a different night we went over and we were playing cards. Her move prevented Dylan from winning so to apologize Steph kissed her palm and placed it on his forehead.
Other little things we have noticed is that when it’s just us girls in the room she acts normal but it seems like she has a switch and it turns on every time a guy enters the room. She becomes more bubbly and tries to be funny in any way she can. Jessica and I go visit occasionally, maybe once every two months or so. Steph on the other hand has been going to their house EVERY weekend for the last past months. She sometimes doesn’t come home until about 12am. When she is home it seems like the majority of our conversation is about what funny thing Dylan said or did the past weekend.Or what he’s been up to. She barely mentions Ashley. Once, while watching a movie about a man leaving his fiance for another woman, Steph mentioned that it would be a nice feeling knowing a man left another woman for her.
Steph is someone everyone considers a man-hater. She's the first to be proud and loud about not needing a man, and how she is happy being single rather than being tied to a man. So her behavior on her birthday really threw me under a loop. For her birthday we threw a small cookout at our place. She invited Ash and Dylan and a few other friends. Ash and her family were the first to arrive. Everything was set up. All that was left to do was take all of the food and fixings outside. As soon as Ash and Dylan offered to help Steph became completely helpless. Out of nowhere she wasn’t strong enough to carry a bag of charcoal which she carried from the store shelf to the shopping cart, the shopping cart to her car, and her car to our kitchen perfectly fine yesterday. When it came to the “heavy” items she said “ Oh, these are too heavy I will let Dylan take that outside.” Dylan ended up taking all that outside.
At the end of the night when all the guests had left Ash and Dylan offered to help clean up. Jessica and Dylan took down the tents. Putting down the tents isn’t hard but it is a two person job.. Me and my sister have set up and taken these tents up by ourselves all the time which Steph has witnessed. So you can imagine the complete confusion when Steph goes “ Oh Jess I think we do need a man around the house.” My sister didn’t respond but looked at her with confusion. Steph repeated herself thinking Jessica didn’t hear her. Jessica said that she found it completely out of the norm for Steph to say but knew she might have said that to try and grab Dylan’s attention. Dylan didn’t really react to what was said as he was still busy putting the case on one of the tents.
The cherry on top was her comments about Dylan this last weekend. We went over to Ash’s house as she invited us over. When we got there Dylan and his brother were outside doing some yard work. It was about 90 degrees out so as you can imagine they were putting in a workout. Once they were done Steph did not make one, not two, not three but four comments on how sweaty Dylan got. “That boy sweats a lot.” “He wasn’t that sweaty when we got here.” “Did you see how drench his shirt was” “ It looks like he went swimming” All comments said by Steph. I guess its not super weird but when you add in the fact that she made zero comments about how sweaty his brother was it lets you know she was only paying attention to Dylan. Ash was inside so she didn’t hear the comments.
Now I know this isn’t hard core evidence that Steph might have a crush on Dylan but like I said it’s all the small little comments she makes that I unfortunately can’t write them all as this post is getting too long. I really need an outsider’s perspective on this.. Now I am not saying that I think Steph is planning on stealing Ash’s husband but I definitely think she has this weird thing about wanting his attention. I can honestly say that I don’t think Dylan would ever cheat on Ash let alone with her best friend. My sister and I both think that Steph would be the one to try to break a boundary with Dylan. Based on Steph’s behavior, should I tell Ash about the little things I picked up?
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Backup of the post’s body: I am seeking advice on what I should do about my suspicions about a friend having a crush on another friend’s husband. There hasn’t been any “hard” core proof but it’s all the little comments and interactions that are building my suspicion more and more every day. For some context, I 29f met my best friend Ashley 28f freshman year of high school. After we graduated we got a summer job where we met Stephanie 29f. That summer we became really close and have been friends ever since. Ashley met her husband Dylan 29 m about 8 years ago. They have been married for 5 years and have a 3 year old son. I never noticed any difference in how he interacts with me and Steph. And till this day I still don’t see a difference from him. The one who is starting to act differently and weird is Steph. I first started to notice this behavior a few months ago.
Other little things we have noticed is that when it’s just us girls in the room she acts normal but it seems like she has a switch and it turns on every time a guy enters the room. She becomes more bubbly and tries to be funny in any way she can. Jessica and I go visit occasionally, maybe once every two months or so. Steph on the other hand has been going to their house EVERY weekend for the last past months. She sometimes doesn’t come home until about 12am. When she is home it seems like the majority of our conversation is about what funny thing Dylan said or did the past weekend.Or what he’s been up to. She barely mentions Ashley. Once, while watching a movie about a man leaving his fiance for another woman, Steph mentioned that it would be a nice feeling knowing a man left another woman for her.
At the end of the night when all the guests had left Ash and Dylan offered to help clean up. Jessica and Dylan took down the tents. Putting down the tents isn’t hard but it is a two person job.. Me and my sister have set up and taken these tents up by ourselves all the time which Steph has witnessed. So you can imagine the complete confusion when Steph goes “ Oh Jess I think we do need a man around the house.” My sister didn’t respond but looked at her with confusion. Steph repeated herself thinking Jessica didn’t hear her. Jessica said that she found it completely out of the norm for Steph to say but knew she might have said that to try and grab Dylan’s attention. Dylan didn’t really react to what was said as he was still busy putting the case on one of the tents.
Now I know this isn’t hard core evidence that Steph might have a crush on Dylan but like I said it’s all the small little comments she makes that I unfortunately can’t write them all as this post is getting too long. I really need an outsider’s perspective on this.. Now I am not saying that I think Steph is planning on stealing Ash’s husband but I definitely think she has this weird thing about wanting his attention. I can honestly say that I don’t think Dylan would ever cheat on Ash let alone with her best friend. My sister and I both think that Steph would be the one to try to break a boundary with Dylan. Based on Steph’s behavior, should I tell Ash about the little things I picked up?
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The next time Steph says something weird, ask her, “what’s up with all of comments about Dylan? Do you have a thing for him?” Put her on the spot in the moment.
Seriously you are reading into something that’s way too much. If no one else is reading into it you should stop.
You tell the friend with a crush to knock it off and find her own man
I would. I would calmly tell her everything you’ve noted here. Don’t exaggerate, just the facts. I would answer any questions you’re capable of answering. IMO, you say these are “little things”, not to me. These are each one a red flag to me. And if I put myself in Ash’s place, I’d want to know. Immediately. You may find that Ash is already having some ick feelings. Do it. Do it now before it becomes irreparable. Be a good friend.
Updateme please
Probably weirder that you seem to keep a running list of your friends’ every word and action and then decide to post it online
I don’t think you need to say anything to stir any pots. What if you’re wrong and just cause unnecessary tension? And even if you’re right, it sounds like Dylan is not responding at all, and Ash hasn’t said anything about it, at least not in front of y’all. It’s their relationship, so they would probably talk about it privately if they saw it as an issue.
You are creating drama for three people in your friend group.
What do you think it’s gonna happen? Steph will deny it. Ashley will either confront Steph and/or Dylan, or just stop hanging out with you when Steph is involved.
Leave it.
If Steph’s behavior annoys you, stop hanging out with her.
You sound like someone who enjoys drama
It’s weird that you are noticing these things but not actually doing anything.
Telling your bestie that your other bestie has a crush on her husband without EVER having a direct conversation with that person OR any hard evidence? Weird and creating drama.
Speaking up and checking your bestie when drooling over your other bestie husband? THAT is being a good friend to both. Friends don’t let friends be creepy. Well, GOOD friends.
And GOOD friends check women who are drooling over their husbands instead of breaking up a friend group with suspicion and some middle school game of telephone.
Right now you are being immature and a bad friend to both
Pull on your big girl pants and tell Steohanie she is being weird next time she says something weird instead of making it Ashley’s problem. YOU are the one hearing it. YOU say something.
you absolutely should not. this is not your business. if you are right, it will likely amount to nothing. or, it could be something and let them deal with it. not your business. if you are wrong, you could literally be starting the end of friendships or even a marriage with a kid involved. and it would be all your fault for having a “suspicion”. you want to be responsible for that?
INFO: is Dylan doing anything to encourage Steph’s behavior?
Yes, you should say something, Steph (as portrayed in your post), the ultimate pick me girl and needs to be called out for her behavior and actions. If it were me, I’d say something about it in front of Ashley (but that’s because I moonlight as Petty White). That way she’ll have to explain herself in front of Ashley and there will be no way to twist anything around so she looks innocent
I would tell your friend what you think, tell her in a calm way.
You don’t mention anything to the wife! Tell your friend to grow the hell up and move on.
I’d keep my gob shut. Dylan isn’t entertaining her behaviour at all, and nothing she has done has harmed Ashley & Dylan’s relationship.
I wouldn’t say anything to Ash until you know for sure… I’d talk about it with Steph first, even confront her on the spot when she says something like someone else said. There’s no cold hard evidence so Steph could deny it and turn it on you, making Ash and Dylan not want to hang out with you anymore. I’d talk about it to Steph, and even if you’re able to confirm your suspicions, it might be a better to convince Steph to change her ways yourself so it doesn’t tear you all apart.
If you have an issue with a friend’s behavior, talk to that friend.
I would talk to his wife and subtly warn her then butt out. It’s a bad situation to be in. My husband never notices women flirting with him. He had a co worker once literally grab his hand to feel how hard her boobs were getting since supposedly working out. I told him she was flirting. He denied it. At a “friends,” dinner together just after I gave birth (she invited herself to) she leaned in and told me, “I could have him if I wanted him.” I told her “but honey he wouldn’t want you (party girl who did a lot of drugs and slept with women too). I told hubby what she said and he didn’t believe me. But, another friend heard her too and backed me up. He didn’t interact with her after and we never all went out again. The betrayal on my husband’s end was he didn’t believe me at first. That hurt.
Call Steph out on it the next time she says something. You’ll soon know by her reaction
Updateme
If Ash isn’t aware no need to create drama. Confront the front like the others have said. Point out the next time she makes SEVERAL comments about Dylan and have your sister there to co-sign.
It sounds like she does this whenever Ash isn’t near that way you reduce the drama risk.
Updateme
I agree with people who say put her on the spot.
I wouldn’t say “do you have a thing for him” but I would call her out the next time she tries to sit next to Dylan or just be very casual because no need to stir the pot if you’re just looking too into it..
Ask her to sit next to you and see how she responds..
and ask her the next time she makes a comment about Dylan like “are you okay? What’s up with all the Dylan comments?”
She’s going to try to turn it on you.
She’s going to go to your friend and say you probably said something inappropriate
Just be ready for the fallout
Shame and embarrassment go a long way.
When she says these things, call her out. Point out her obsession with Dylan.
I’d start seat stealing too, since she wants to be next to him everytime, anytime she gets up I’d be swooping in and taking her seat. If she puts up a fuss, call her out.
I would say something so she can keep an eye on her
I think you confront Steph, one on one. Be like “Hey- what the hell is up with this?” And bring up everything. Embarass her- shame her. Tell her it’s bullshit and she needs to knock it off. Hopefully she’ll listen and stop. If not, then you tell Ash you’re concerned with her behavior.
Updateme!
You and the others who suspect Steph is up to no good, should stage an intervention WITH STEPH.
Explain to her what has been noticed and in no uncertain terms, explain to her that it stops NOW
or she’s out of the group and everyone else will be told.
Why don’t you confront and embarrass that friend directly when she comments like that?
UpdateMe
No. Stop being a drama queen