My sister’s birthday party is coming up and she wasn’t really wanting anything because life has been a lot lately. She wanted to do something laidback but our family decided they wanted to throw a party anyway. Just to add some context, my sister recently decided her and her husband are no longer compatible. He hasn’t done anything wrong, she has just put herself first and realized he hasn’t been giving her what she needs in a relationship (this is important). She loves thoughtful gestures.
Well since the party is coming up, all she thinks is happening is a birthday dinner but what is really going to happen is a party with a mariachi and a good bit of family. Not just her family. His as well. Even though she is close with them, she hasn’t been wanting to be around them as much until they break the news to them together. Hence why she didn’t want to have a party.
Here’s where I need advice. Do I tell her about what’s actually going to happen or do I just let it play out. Our family hasn’t given me very many details because they know I’m close to her and will likely tell her. I don’t want to ruin the surprise but I also feel like she should know. I mean he’s had YEARS to do something like this. Why now that she’s finally decided to pick herself and walk away.
Comments
Based on what you report above, it sounds to me like your family has no respect for your sister.
And speaking for myself, I find that appalling.
I’m not sure what to advise you as far as letting your sister know.
What I do know is that if I were your sister, and I walked into a party that included his family, I would be hurt, humiliated, degraded, disrespected, and assume that my family was so selfish that they arranged such a party for their benefit, and not for mine.
And under those circumstances, I might well sever contact with my family.
What do you think about all that?
Thank you.
I’d say stay out of their relationship.
Does your family know your sister intends to divorce her husband?
Let it play out. It’s gonna be well worth it to get her genuine, actual response/reaction in real-time.
And hey they(your sister & her husband) could is this time being a family gathering to break the news to everyone in an appropriate and acceptable way. Like a, “farewell”(for lack of better terms) on a good note not leaving any bad tastes in anyone’s mouth….y’know?? 🤷🏾♂️
>Do I tell her about what’s actually going to happen or do I just let it play out.
Why do you think it’s appropriate to insert yourself into this?
>Our family hasn’t given me very many details because they know I’m close to her and will likely tell her.
and here you are on the precipice about to do just that.
>I don’t want to ruin the surprise
Yet here you are lol
>I mean he’s had YEARS to do something like this. Why now that she’s finally decided to pick herself and walk away.
This is none of your business even if your sister told you all about it. You will make things worse. A lot of times people think they are perfect spouses and complain that they aren’t getting what they deserve from their partners. But in reality they ain’t even doing what they should be doing for their spouse. Sometimes one spouse will complain while the other one tries to hold shit together even though things aren’t perfect.
Let. It. Happen.
Well do you stop the train or want to sit by and see the train wreak happen and eat popcorn ?
My advice would be to talk to your sister and feel her out on where her head is and the relationship again.
If she wants to know why tell her that will depend on her answers. That you love her and don’t want to see her put in a bad situation. I am sure she has not changed her mind .
But after you tell her what is up she may want to play dumb and let it happen or could decide to take a trip for a couple of night at that time and inform her husband.
At this time he would have to tell her she can’t do that he had a surprise planned and this would be her point of stopping the even or letting it still happen it’s all on her to handle how this plays out be she had a heads up on what she is walking into.
Just tell her this way the family will not find out your told her about the event. But you love her and are trying to protect her but also don’t want to be thrown to the wolfs. LOL
Like you I suspect their good intentions will backfire. It very likely won’t prevent the divorce and she’ll be angry with them for ignoring her wishes. I see that you’re in an awkward position because she’ll be angry with you when she finds out you knew and didn’t say anything.
If trying again to get your parents to call off party doesn’t work, your decision comes down to who would most benefit from your loyalty.
I would tell her if she was my sister
She may want to let the husband know that if he does go through with this, she is announcing their divorce at the birthday party
Or she cannot tell anybody she knows and at the last minute not be able to make it
Then you, your sister and a couple of close friends can go out and celebrate her birthday
I know a lot of people don’t like that, but I would be royally ticked off if somebody did this to me
You should get them gift certificates for marriage counseling.
So wait her husband is planning a big surprise for a woman he knows is intent on divorcing him??
If my wife told me she was divorcing me right before her birthday, I wouldn’t even tell her happy birthday, much less plan a party.
My bro and I have a rule. Us before anyone and we never let ANYONE surprise the other.
I would tell her and i would WANT to know. But that’s me.
updateme
I’ve been a social worker for the last 15 years. I also have this problem where I wanna fix everyone’s problems for them. I had to learn very quickly that you will burn yourself out and it is a very thankless process. Someone once said this to me and I think it’s helped a bit put things in perspective.
By trying to fix everything around us, we are depriving others of their life experiences. Certain things are best left to be played out. These are the things that we learn and grow from and she could use the information to decide for herself where her relationship is going.
I think it’s great that you want to protect her, but she needs to experience these things in order to make decisions for her own life. This is something I’m actively trying to work on right now since my daughter just turned 18; it’s hard lol.
…does HE know she wants to leave him?
Personally, my sister would come first and I’d tell her. Give her time to figure out what she wants.
Lol @ your sister divorcing a completely decent man because she’s bored
Lordy, please tell her. To do so is arguably a betrayal to her husband but NOT doing so is a betrayal to your sister.
I don’t like big surprises. I’ve made that super clear. I would be PISSED if my sister let something like this happen, especially without telling me.
You seem like the only family member that has your sister’s back.
Let her make the choice if she’d like to have one more big party to end their marriage or if she’d rather have it cancelled.
He seems to be wanting to foist this upon her knowing full well she doesn’t want it as a way to emotionally manipulate her into reconsidering. Seems like your family also think they know better than your sister does about her own life.
Tell her, she can choose if she wants to go along with it or bin it off. From what you’ve said about her and the fact that she’s finally choosing herself and leaving him, she’ll be happy you gave her the opportunity choose how it ends.
Tell her. Your loyalty is to her, and you know she doesn’t want this. She deserves to be emotionally prepared/make a choice about showing up or not.
Tell her. He obviously doesn’t care what she wants or what she thinks. I hate parties and being the center of attention. I would be pissed to show up to a surprise party for me because it’s not my thing. I throw them for plenty of people all the time because they love them. They know in exchange for that to never throw me one.
I say you mind your own business and let this play out. Don’t insert yourself into their marriage, even if they’re about to get divorced.
Tell your sister . Give her heads up. Tell her not to say anything to get you involved or in trouble with the rest of them.
You have to tell her don’t let her be blindsided.
So he hasn’t done anything wrong but she’s not satisfied. Mind your business
No. Stay out of other people’s relationships.
This sounds like a mini series I watched recently lol. So the husband knows they are getting ready to divorce but wants to have this “look at what a happy family we are” event? I’d give my Sister a heads up if I were you. NTA
I would warn her. Surprise parties are usually a bad idea anyway, but in this case, there’s no question it would be a disaster for her. A quiet fine dinner alone might give them a chance to reconnect, but a big event with onlookers and a mariachi band? <shudder>
I would. I would also extract a promise from her to protect you like crazy from the blowback if she decides to shut down the party.
Every so often it’s appropriate to spoil a surprise or a secret. Youre identifying a need to shield her from a what might well be a significant hit to her emotions and mental health.
If it was me and I knew everything you know – I’d tell her. I’d want to know as I’d be pissed if my sister who I trust didn’t tell me.
Ooooooh, this could get realll messy😬
If she gets triggered because she feels like he isn’t accepting/respecting that its over, she may explode and announce the breakup right there and then, because she will feel like a cat that’s been cornered and the claws will come out.
You need to tell him: “Cancel this. Do not let this happen UNLESS you want this to turn into an ugly scene, and for everyone to find out that you guys are getting divorced in this way.
I feel like this is such an asshole and passive-aggressive move on your soon to be ex BIL. Or just flat-out stupid.
If he continues with it or fails to cancel, you need to let her know!!!
Sounds like the perfect place to announce the divorce.
Surprise.
After reading a lot of your comments, tell sister.
Sister wants a divorce, sounds like your parents and her STBX are trying to force her to not divorce.
As far as her husband, too little, too late at this point. If she didn’t ask for the divorce, I am sure he wouldn’t have helped your parents do a big event. Also, sounds like she doesn’t like his family, another reason to tell her.
The 2 of you shouldn’t show up and do something else for her birthday.
Avoid the ambush.
TELL HER!!! PLEASE TELL HER. There is not other option, she doesn’t deserve for this to happen to her on her day when she explicitly doesn’t want it. Her husband is a dick for this btw. You owe it to her to tell her as her sister when you know she’s not onboard with this. Someone has to be on her side since no one seems to care.
It sounds like he’s setting her up to look like a major jerk. He throws her a big party, she breaks up with him, everyone thinks she’s the a-hole. As someone who’s very close to her sister, I would tell her. My sister is my ride or die and I view my role as her sister to protect her at all cost.
I’d stay out of it. He planned something knowing his wife and knowing she is ready to bolt the marriage. This may need to happen OP. I’d not get involved even for my dearest sister.
I’d tell your sister what you know, no added opinions or ideas & let her decide . Perhaps she’ll use this a safe exit while all eyes are on her 🤷🏼♀️ it’s her life, her marriage & both his & her right to handle the birthday in a way that works for them. Good luck ✌🏼
Definitely tell her! Then she can skip this party and you and her go celebrate quietly.
Tell her. He’s trying to love-bomb her into staying. To make her thinks he’s changed and all that jazz
He’s hoping to guilt trip her into staying. Let her know what he is planning to do.
Ok – here’s my angle –
Maybe you don’t tell your sister, but why can’t you talk to the husband (soon to be ex husband?).
Perhaps he needs to hear it from someone else that she’s checked out. You can be the one advocating FOR her so that he understands how much she already resents him. Worse case scenario he still goes through with the party, best case scenario you have a heart to heart with him.
Problem is, this is much harder to do than just talking to your sister
Keep the secret but assure her something is in the works. Their relationship is not your business really. Let him try and let her be surprised. You never know how gestures like this can go. Hopefully for the better.
Don’t let him ruin her birthday with such a stupid gesture. She needs to be prepared.
I would be so upset if my sister was in on the surprise and didn’t tell me. I would feel betrayed especially if I knew that they knew how I felt.
I hate surprises and this kind of BS would make me livid inside as I’m forced to put on a happy front for others.
My mom did this on my 16. I was so depressed, I wanted no party. Nothing. My mom insisted on taking me shopping and then I remember coming home being so overwhelmed and tired. Looking forward to having a rest but nope. An entire house filled with noise and people. Sigh. It’s more than 20 years later and I’m still upset about that party. It was awful. Made my depression so much worse and I’m still upset that my mom ignored my wants. It was all about her. When people ask about my sweet 16 I tell them it was awful. I cried and hated it so much. My mom will say she threw me a wonderful party. By contrast, if she would have let me have the small celebration I wanted, I would have been very happy. I just wanted food and cake but not party. I was fighting with half the fake friends she invited to the party. There’s a reason I didn’t want the party!!! She left some of my better friends off the guest list.
Never surprise somebody who doesn’t like lots of people and surprises with a surprise birthday. It’s a bad plan. Your sister needs to know so that she can decide if she wants to put on a fake face, or avoid the event completely.
Of course you tell her. Het husband is manipulating you ask by throwing her a birthday party she explicitly said she didn’t want. He’s showing exactly why he’s not a good partner. Don’t let him ruin her birthday under the guise of kindness.
Let her know.
Take her out for dinner. Tell her what’s going on. Ask if shes even wanting to show up now that she knows or would she rather do something with you – away from the hot mess.
Or maybe she has to stay late at work that day, or boss invites her out for dinner to discuss a massive project she’s now in charge of or something.
Then after she can address this with her husband.
What he doing is too little too late.
I’d tell her.
I’m pretty sure this is a storyline from the new Netflix series Four Seasons. If you haven’t watched it you probably should
In most cases, I would not tell someone about an upcoming surprise party. This situation is not most cases, though. You know she did not want a party and why. She’s about to be unpleasant blindsided. Tell her.
You don’t have to go straight to telling her, but you do need to call to feel out the situation.
Ask her first how she would feel about spending time with his family & if her feelings about her marriage have changed at all. Then you can ask her what her ideal birthday would be. Based on her answers, you will know if you need to tell her or not. Even if you don’t tell her, she will know later that phone call was you having her back.
If you do tell her, you don’t have to spill every detail. You can simply say “I know husband is planning a big surprise party, I don’t want to spoil the details in case this is something you’d enjoy, but I felt the need to give you a heads up”. She may still want to go, & this way you don’t ruin the whole surprise of what / where / who. Think of people who know they’re getting proposed to, but don’t know when / how. There’s still a surprise, but it’s confirmed they’re willing to get proposed to.
If you don’t call her at all, this goes disastrously bad, then she finds out you knew she’s going to feel betrayed. This is your sister who you’re close with. This is someone who confides in you, is honest with you, that you know well. If you had any indication she would be thrilled about a massive surprise party with both their families in the midst of getting a divorce then you wouldn’t feel inclined to talk to her.
Tell her so she can decide what to do
All of my people know that throwing me a surprise party is a relationship ending event. Fuuuuck that noise; I’d tell her. Especially w the added context you provided, OP.
>Why now that she’s finally decided to pick herself and walk away.
Thats why. Because he’s losing her so by putting on a big, overblown, performative, event for her he’s A) putting pressure on her to stay and B) if that doesn’t work, make her look ungrateful.
You should tell her.
Everybody is ignoring her stated wishes for her own birthday.
Her soon-to-be is ex-husband and everybody else law involved are not owed any confidentiality around a surprise party you know she would not want.
People who say you will ruin the surprise clearly think yor sister would love the surprise gathering. You already know she will not love it. So you won’t be “ruining” anything. You would be protecting her and allowing her to make a decision on how she wants to handle it.
It seems like there is no difference in how much she is going to loathe her husband even more when she finds out about this. Better she finds out before she has to go through with something that she doesn’t want and her STBX wastes a lot of money.
Some of you are so quick to blame and accuse men that you overlooked that it’s HER family that wants to do something big.
Perhaps he will propose to her as well
I would tell her about everything except for the mariachi band because the band showing up randomly would be incredibly funny.
I had someone spoil a surprise party for me and I really appreciated it. I’m actually a super extrovert, but the person who threw the party planned it for a day when I’d just gotten back from an international trip and had jetlag, plus I’d have work the next morning. Plus I wasn’t that close to her, so when she asked me to grab dinner I would have said no if my friend hadn’t given me the heads up, and all her planning would have been a waste. As it was, someone who knew me better spoiled the surprise, and I was able to decide exactly how to respond and how long I was going to stay at this ill-advised weeknight surprise party.
TLDR tell her, she will appreciate getting to decide for herself if she’s going to participate.
“She loves thoughtful gestures.”
Lst it play out.
You make a LOT of suppositions that might be correct, partly correct, or completely wrong.
Your sister will either like the party or not. She is a grownup in charge of her own emotions. This might help her relationship with her husband or it might make her want to divorce him.
Why would you put yourself into their relationship by telling her about a surprise birthday party. It seems your intentions are to sabotage her husband’s attempt. You want him to fail and you telling her would set this up to be more likely.
As you say “He hasn’t done anything wrong” It may be your sister who is having issues and not him.
Stay out of their relationship. If he was an abuser my advice would be different.
I dont understand why they are throwing a surprise birthday party for her like she is turning 13. Is this really a thing?… Yes, i would tell her based on her circumstances.
UpdateMe!
Would you push your friend out of the way of an oncoming car speeding toward her?
Yes?
Then do it. TELL HER NOW
She will be grateful to you.
I think you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
You could say to the husband that you realise he’s trying to make it up to her but as her sister you know her better than anyone and you’re just asking him if he’s really sure because if she’s expecting the quiet evening she wants and if he goes ahead and this just makes things worse you don’t want to see either of them unhappy over a grand gesture that might be too little too late. That way you’ve tried telling him.
I personally would want to be told but if you think this is something she needs to nip in the bud then don’t even bother with your BIL.
Edit : If he’s getting desperate he might make an even bigger gesture and propose a vow renewal or something along those lines.
I would tell her – my sister doesn’t like suprise birthday parties and I always let her know if family/friends are planning one
Beside the emotional issues playing at hand for your own sister right now, some people just don’t like being suprised in such ways and I think a heads up is always so appreciated
You need to step up and inform her. Keeping this from her isn’t loyalty; it’s betrayal. She deserves the chance to control her own narrative before being blindsided by a grand gesture that ignores everything she’s voiced about wanting. Protect your sister, don’t let her walk into that emotionally charged disaster unprepared. She needs you on her side now more than ever.
He’s doing it because she is done. Whenever you’re done, that’s when the last ditch effort grand gestures occur. Tell her.
my loyalty is to my sister, not my bil. go out for coffee or lunch and spill the beans. you hate to ruin the surprise but you don’t want her to be caught off guard. and hey, he won’t be around long anyway
Tell her and convince her to break the news to everyone at the party. Also, make popcorn and record it when she tells them, then you both get in the car and go have a nice dinner somewhere else
From what you’ve described, it seems likely this event isn’t about him being genuinely thoughtful, this is him engineering an event that will:
And even if it’s not being intentionally engineered, it’s still represents him planning an event he thinks she’s supposed to want vs. the event she actually said she wanted.
So either way, it’s setting her up for disappointment at best.
So yeah, I’d tell her. I’d also advise her to be honest with people about why when she starts calling people to cancel it. That “it means so much to me that you wanted to celebrate with me! I’m so blown away by all the support. And this isn’t how I wanted to announce it, but we’ve actually been in the process of separating for several weeks now. So as you can imagine, I’m just NOT in the right place mentally or emotionally to have a giant birthday celebration this year, especially not with him and all of his family. So thank you so much for understanding that the party is off.”
It’s truthful, and it doesn’t outright call him out for putting this event together as a bandaid for his own feelings/image and not her enjoyment, but most people will figure it out.
Tell her. She has a right to decide whether she wants to play happy family for a bunch of people right now when they’re getting ready to end their marriage.
I’d want a warning so I could be prepared for that. You should tell her.
Tell her about the plan
100% let her know. If he’s allowed to go through with it, he will use it to guilt trip her when she eventually leaves. He’s likely only doing it to make his family think what a great guy he is. They will use it against her any way they can when she ultimately leaves and call her ungrateful, etc. Nip it in the bud.
I would tell her. Cause if this happens, she will go NC with everyone. And she will feel heartbroken that you knew and didnt say anything, especially if you are close. She will thank you and keep you in her life. Everyone else will probably be gone. She needs to know.
Just flat out ask her how she feels about the party details. Act like you thought she already knew.
Tell her so she can call it off or “be sick” that night.
You could pose the scenario to her and gauge her response. Based on that, you’ll know how to proceed
Stay out of their marriage-
I would definitely tell her!
This is what love bombing looks like. He’s making the big gesture now because he knows she’s ready to leave
The kindest thing you can do is tell her about it so that she can get her face ready.
Has she actually told her husband she wants to end it? If not then its all on her.
No not let her know and ruin a nice gesture. Stay out of other peoples business and love life.
Held
I would tell her. She doesn’t need to be blindsided by anything from her soon to be ex, particularly a huge public event that will likely not be positively received by her.
No ,keep your big mouth shut.
Tell your sister. If you and I were close and you didn’t tell me, we wouldn’t be close any more.
tell her.
if you do sth the person would not like, why doing it.
there are good surprised. than you can confide with the close person for that person will kerp it a secret for she knows its precious. and then there are bad surprises. and thats one of those cases.
what is your motivation? do you want to honor the trust she has in you?
Definitely tell her. It’s going to be a horrible experience for her
Tell her. He may know something is up and his attempt is to thwart it by publicly showing himself to be a great guy. Making her the bad guy.
I mean, I feel like you of all people should be the one to know what’s better. But if you’re asking me? I’d tell her. The risk of her being furious at the surprise party isn’t worth the potential positive surprise.
Updateme!
I would tell her. It also seems very manipulative to plan a party knowing she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with him any longer. Almost like he is showing his family what a loving husband he is, so when the divorce news comes he can go to his family and be like she is so mean, I planned this wonderful birthday, I’m the perfect husband and now she is divorcing me.
If it was me I’d tell my sister as much as I know and she can make a decision whether to attend or maybe she already has a spa day booked for that day/ weekend at a fancy hotel in another city so what a shame, she won’t be there and she has booked it for two but just not told you yet. sisters spa weekend
You can tell your sister anything. Warn her.
it will be a lot more fun to let it play out
Some men are just SO DENSE. I would definitely tell her. Fore warned is fore armed. She could actually ghost the whole party to make a BIG statement.
You should tell them that it will trigger a divorce.
They didn’t give you details. Don’t give details.
Divorce will happen anyway. But now, they won’t shame your sister for it without you telling that you warned them.
Since she wanted low-key and doesn’t want his family around, the surprise could upset her.
Best move: give her a light warning like, “Dinner might be more than you expect, just so you’re not blindsided.
do not tell her. You can;lt know how she’ll react to the party. She might love it!
In one party of the post, it seems like you are saying YOUR FAMILY (Siblings? Parents?) is throwing the party and activities.
But, near the end, it seems like you are saying it is the husband who is instigating the party and activities.
Which one is true?
Depending on the clarification, I would handle these situations completely differently.
If the family, I would tell your sister she needs to tell your siblings and parents so adjustments can be made.
If it is the husband, I would tell him outright that this is the wrong approach and that you will not let him go forward with planning something you know she doesn’t want without him telling her… or that you will be forced to do so.
If he doesn’t, then you would have to tell her… or encourage her to move up any timeline of telling your family or his family due to the circumstances. Noone needs to be subjected to a fake party of fake sentiments.
I know someone who did this – not to make a last-ditch effort, but to paint a picture of who in the relationship was giving/loving (the person who finally decided to be (read:seem) thoughtful and who was not (the person who finally gave up after years of trying). It was a public opinion/social perception exercise to try to influence family and friends and garner support – especially for eventual court proceedings and negotiations. Thankfully, most who really counted knew what was up long before that. He may have the best of intentions, or he may not. The same could be said for her. But, either way, no fake party needs to be had if the honoree/recipient doesn’t want it.
She can always act surprised if she wants to go along with this, but she deserves the option to spare herself the torture.
I would give her a heads up – just a hint out of her husband has a surprise she wanted years ago, might do it.
OF COURSE, He’s only giving her this now. It looks like an attempt to set her up as the evil b**** who broke up the marriage after he was so nice… bleh.
If you tell her will your family keep things from you in the future
NTA
WARN HER.
” Our family hasn’t given me very many details because they know I’m close to her and will likely tell her. ” .. so they don’T want you to tell her, because they KONW she does not want it. All those lying to her are AHs.
Warn her, and have her do this: Have her cancel on her partner, because the realtionship is not in a state to celebrate an anniversary together anyway. Have her pretend not to know about the surprise party, and do the same. Go to have dinner with her somewhere else, and turn off your phones., All those AHs need a lesson.
A surprise party is only nice when the person is known rto want that – this is just a plot to guilt her into pretending her relationship is fine, virtue signalling by her soon to be ex.
Or: have her enter the party with “Since you are all here, this is a good time to annouce to all of you that we are getting divorced. Husband has probably already told most of you.”
Definitely tell and do not wait
She was clear about what she wants, this party is not it. I would speak to your brother-in-law and encourage him to tell her. If she’s going through a tough time her entire family keeping secrets might feel more isolating in the time leading up to her birthday.
So she likes thoughtful gestures, like organizing a birthday party with both sides of the family for her? I mean first question is when did the party get planned vs her saying she wanted something small? Has he truly failed to give her grand gestures? That’s her problem? He hasn’t cheated? Best her or the kids? Gambled their life savings away? Not provided for his family?
He didn’t make enough grand gestures for her? That sounds like a cop out excuse to be single and mingle. Honestly you might as well tell her. That way she can stop it. Then she can say he doesn’t listen to her while simultaneously preventing a grand gesture she claims to need.
So tell her. It will be a nice little nuke dropped on the situation. Family and all, right?
Don’t tell.
Maybe her husband is trying to save the marriage.
This reminds me of my 30th birthday party. I said I wanted to do dinner with my immediate family and sister in law (so 5 people). My mom invited all of my cousins, aunts, and uncles. We had pizza and ice cream cake. I don’t eat dairy.
You have to tell her