Hi, I’m a 27F and I’m in a difficult situation with some of my friendships.
Since 2021, I had an intense but turbulent friendship with Tom (25M). We were very close emotionally, sometimes intimate, and spent a lot of time together. It wasn’t an official relationship, partly because of trauma and abandonment issues, we both went through a lot. In 2024, I started dating Sam (34M), who is now my boyfriend. With him, I’ve experienced my first stable and safe relationship, and he supports me a lot in my healing process.
Last year, we went on a vacation with Tom, his best friend Alex (25M) and my best friend Stan (25M). During that trip, Tom treated me very poorly and made a hurtful comment about sex that cut deeply (because of past abuse I’ve experienced). After the vacation, he cut off contact with me, and later also with Stan and Alex. That was painful, but also brought me peace and relief.
Now, 8 months later, Stan and Alex are in a relationship and they’ve reconnected with Tom. I regularly see pictures of the three of them together. Every time I do, I get triggered badly — panic attacks, racing heart, sometimes needing medication. I’m happy for Stan and Alex, but it feels like old wounds are being ripped open, and I feel left out.
Sam suggested that maybe making peace with Tom would give me more rest. But deep down, I know Tom has not been a healthy friend for me. Still, I feel like I’m stuck with three painful options:
Live with the stress and panic whenever I see them together,
Try to reconcile with Tom (even though I know he’s not good for me),
Or distance myself from Stan (my best friend since 2013), to protect my own mental health.
I don’t want to force Stan to choose between us, but I honestly don’t know how to carry this.
My question: How should I handle this? Should I try to forgive Tom, or protect myself even if that means my bond with Stan changes?
TL;DR: Old friend (25M) I was once close and intimate with treated me badly and cut me off. Now he’s friends again with my best friend (25M) and his partner, which triggers my trauma and panic attacks. Should I try to reconcile with him for peace, or protect myself even if it risks losing my best friend?