Hello Reddit!
So I am in a bit of a self-dug hole right now. I believe I have already met my soulmate. We have already dated twice in the past. We were each others’ first loves and we even tried dating again after college. Unfortunately, when we got back together the second time(26yo), we were both going through huge personal growth periods and were not good for each other. We were both in bad places and I think we reached for each other out of comfort and weren’t mature enough to realize it at the time. We dated another two years and it didn’t work out because we didn’t know how to communicate and work through our issues.
For transparency, our issue was that I (male) didn’t always ejaculate during sex. This caused her to degrade her own self esteem. Despite attempts to reassure her that she did nothing wrong and that I I still really enjoyed sex, it kept getting brought up. This caused me to have anxiety about sex and eventually got to where I avoided it. That made things worse and it became a big enough issue to where we broke up. It was my call. Like I said before, I was under a lot of stress outside of the relationship. I didn’t know what to do at the time, so I just cut it off. We dated for a total of 5 years. I was the one that hurt her in the end because I felt like I wasn’t being heard.
Fast-forward to now. We have both had long term relationships since. I have never felt love like I did with her — speaking for how I have felt with my partners. I still feel as though she was my one. I dream about her. We communicate through our Instagram stories (or I’m having schizophrenic symptoms resulting from these unresolved feelings; but we have done this before. I would say let’s assume I’m right but I want to hear why I may be wrong) and still share all of the same interests. She stays in touch with my mom. She watches ALL of my stories, but never interacts. I write to her like I used to very infrequently, but never send the messages. I act like she died even though she hasn’t.
The kicker: She has been in a relationship for almost 5 years at this point. No marriage, no children. She doesn’t post them, ever really. Which is uncharacteristic, but I’m speaking about I person I knew 7 years ago. People can change. (I am prepared to find out the person I still think about is also completely gone). Regardless, despite whatever signs I think I might be perceiving, I don’t want to mess anything up for her that might be good. At the end of the day, her happiness means more to me than my own. So I haven’t reached out. In addition, I have considered all the bridges that were burned by the second break up. Like they gave me a second chance, and she ended up hurt again.
The problem: For the reasons mentioned above, I want to. Multiple long term relationships on my end, before and after and it still feels like she’s the one. We tried again when we should have been wise enough to know it was a bad time for us both. I know it would have worked out had we had the tools and wisdom that comes with a little more time on this world. I know personally I have done a lot of personal growth. I’ve been in therapy for a couple years and settled into a career (I had no financial security before). As has she, my mom went to her college graduation. We aren’t living with our parents anymore — point is to say the outside stressors on our lives are completely different now than they were back then.
Given the details above: should I reach out? And how should I do it, if so? Like I said, I don’t want to mess anything up for her if she’s happy. I can accept this reality for myself if she doesn’t want anything to do with me. Where is the line between feeling she’s the one which means I should fight for it and toxicity begin? Please help!
Tl/dr: I feel as though my soulmate was in a past relationship and that there is something there. Should I, and if yes: how should I reach out?
Comments
Have you engaged in any form of therapy over the years? I would suggest doing so if not. You’re probably reading too much into this and feeling low and nostalgic for her. You need to focus on yourself and unpacking your issues, starting with not building up some fantasy about “the one that got away.” It’s not healthy. Leave her be and do not reach out.
Also, I’m not sure how I’d feel about my mother staying in contact with an ex I had such a complicated history with, but your boundaries are yours to define.
She is in a relationship and you want to reach out? Lets just say you did get with her, would you want to be with someone you know can be pulled from a relationship by and old flame? ( guess what your not her only old flame) respect her and yourself and keep looking, if something happens in the future, sure reach out with a hey lets catch up.