i (f21) started seeing this guy (m23) for a few months now and it’s all been mostly good. we clicked kinda quick but it didn’t just die out quick either. in the times of us seeing each other, we’ve had good communication and i haven’t seen any genuine red flags that made me question him up until recently where i found out he use to say the n-word during highschool. since we’ve already gotten close and more serious, i’ve kinda tried to brush this off considering it was in his past and as far as i know, he doesn’t say it anymore.
we’re both mexican and i’m aware that a lot of mexicans say that word thinking they should be able to or they simply don’t care, but i have never said it. it has always felt wrong and my sisters think the same way. my sisters just asked me if he says it, since it’s something we usually look out for early on. i told them that he doesn’t say it, since it’s not like i’ve heard him or seen him say it in the time i’ve known him, but i’m not sure if i should mention to them that he use to say it in highschool. they wouldn’t be surprised because it’s (unfortunately) common for mexicans (especially throughout school) to say it.
however, i know that this would change their view on him but also on me since i’ve still been seeing him even after finding out. i’m trying figure out whether it’s something i should mention to them at all, but also, i want to know if this should be a dealbreaker in a relationship in general? i’m just conflicted, since it was in his past, but regardless, he use to say it. would it be wrong to mention it to my sisters but also to continue seeing him?
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What are his values like now?
Everyone has a past, and most people are going to pick up a few things in their past that they’ll be ashamed of later.
It’s far more important that he stopped saying it than whether he ever said in the first place. If he’s stopped saying it, he’s learned, and let the past be the past. If he’s still saying it, that’s obviously a different story.
He’s 23. Assuming he hasn’t said it since he left high school, five years ago, I don’t see why he should be demonized for mistakes he clearly realizes were mistakes (clearly = because he doesn’t say it anymore.) It sounds like he realized it was wrong and grew up. you say it’s common for Mexicans to say it, especially in their school years, therefor he likely was parroting what he heard, and then discovered how bad it is and grew from it.
If anything, I would consider this more a green flag than a red flag; that he’s willing to see mistakes and change from them. I also don’t know why it’s relevant to anyone to know he used to say it. What context does that even come up? why is your sister asking if he says it?
He’s 23 and you’re talking about how he was in school. Hopefully he’s done a lot of growing up in general in that time. You don’t talk about why he doesn’t say it any more, which seems important. You don’t talk about what he’s like as a person or what his social or political views are like, which is presumably what actually matters to you.
Honestly, it does feel a bit silly to worry about if he said a no-no word when he was a teenager without saying anything about what he was actually like as a person then or who he is now.
Why do your sisters even need to know about it? It’s in his past, why can’t things like that just stay private?
Besides that, I don’t think it’s a red flag. I grew up in the 90s and have a lot of SE Asian friends that used a lot of derogatory terms before we knew any better. Phrases like “re*atded” were frequently used in 90s and early 2000’s, not only in society but in famous tv shows & movies. Obviously not trying to excuse it, but people are just more culturally aware now how offensive it is. I would think it’s only a red flag if he directly targeted people with those words to intentionally show some form of racist superiority or something like that. If he no longer uses words like that it shows he knows better now and is more conscious of how his words impact others.
Most of us do and say stupid things when we’re young. Judge him on what he says and does now, not how he was then.
The important thing here is whether one has an understanding of the implications of the word. If they don’t have such an understanding and use the word, then they’re just ignorant. If you educate them and they quit using it – problem solved. On the other hand, if they understood the implications, they can quit using the word voluntarily but they can continue to be a problem. They will continue to act as though black people are less than white people. Fortunately, some will choose to try to change their attitudes in this regard.
High schoolers are stupid and it was a different time then. I used to say it in high school too, I went to a mostly black high school and all my friends said it. It was normal. My views have changed since then and I stopped using the word, I don’t think that should be a dealbreaker.
If he said it in the past is irrelevant. The important thing is “Does he do it now?”
If he’s grown up past it and is ashamed of his past behavior and has discontinued it, then no. It’s not a dealbreaker because it’s not something he’s doing right now that has a way to affect you.