Not sure how much longer I can keep doing this.
I’m (18M) not desperate for a relationship or girlfriend or anything but DAMN I feel like a piece of shit when I find out I’m the only person in my friend group that’s never been on a date, and that even my 12 year old cousin has had a ‘girlfriend’ before me. Why have I missed out?
I feel like I’m decently attractive and I’ve had maybe like two very short talking stages but I’m almost 19 and man do I feel lonely and not contempt with my life. I don’t want to miss teenage love because I feel as if I won’t be able to learn enough to be a good boyfriend / partner in the future.
People always say shit like ‘you’re still young’, ‘let it come naturally’, ‘relationships aren’t worth the drama’ and whatever but when your family starts asking if you’re gay it breaks the final straw. I now feel as if I want a relationship, or at least a date, or at least my first kiss, or at least my first time holding hands etc but I’m quiet/reserved and not the type to approach women I find attractive (likely the reason I’m single), so how can I help myself? Should I really just wait for it to come naturally and risk missing young love entirely? Or should I do something about it (how would I do this without coming across as desperate?)? Thanks, and ask me anything that might help
Comments
I believe you should do both depending upon the situation. If everyone says let it come, who gonna come?
Love isn’t a race, mate. Your worth isn’t measured by the dates you’ve been on. Focus on becoming the best version of you and things will fall into place.
It’s situational. Honestly I know you probably don’t want to read this but you are still young and love isn’t a race. I get it though, we’re just humans who want someone to love us. Not finding it at 18 or younger doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you.
If you want to meet people though, I’d say find something you like to do and join a group involved with it, that’s a great way to meet new people.
I’m going to give you some advice based on a few factors: I’ve been in a 12+ year relationship, and been in the dating game after getting out of that relationship.
First thing I’m going to say is that dating is a complete crapshoot. You’re dating to find out what you’re looking for in someone, and what you’re willing to accept and not accept in a relationship. That decade-long relationship I was in was one where I constantly compromised what I wanted in return for making the relationship “work”. That’s not what you want. I entered that relationship when I was 19 and I was over 30 when it ended. I lost my 20’s to it. Afterward, I started dating intentionally.
Second, “teenage love” is overrated. It’s NRE (new relationships energy) fueled by hormones. When that NRE wears off, those relationships usually explode in spectacular fashion because the initial core differences were overlooked because of hormones.
Third, and this is the most important: take your time. Your family are a bunch of dicks. You should pursue something when it feels right, and let something go when it doesn’t. Desperation will only put you in a situation you don’t want to be in, then one day you’ll look around and it’s 12 years later and you’ve been cheated on four times.
Lastly, despite everything I just said, it’s okay to make mistakes. That’s how you learn. A mistake you learned from was not a mistake – merely an opportunity for growth. Date people different than you. Learn about them. That way when someone you align with comes along, you can appreciate it all the more.
Good luck out there.
If you’ve never been in a relationship, that’s not your fault. If you’ve never been on a date, that’s on you. Just find someone who seems nice that you don’t know (or use an app) and ask them to get ice cream and walk around a park or something. Forget trying to get someone as attractive as possible. You’re not asking them to marry you, just to talk for an hour and then thanks for coming and have a great rest of your weekend. That may help you stop being tongue tied and help you focus on the basics of good date etiquette.
Maybe make a goal to ask one girl a month, no expectations, just to practice talking to them and seeing what is fun for you. At that age, I would find local events or restaurants that looked fun and then try and find someone to go with. Make it a group date and play frisbee, bowling, picnic, etc. That way even if it was awkward, at least the food was good and you had friends around. Every date doesn’t need to end in holding hands or kissing. It is endearing and attractive to have a guy who is respectful, no expectations for physical anything, consent seeking, vulnerable, and keeps things simple. But romance isn’t going to fall into your lap unless you’re actually going out and interacting with people potentially open to falling.
I think it’s a balance of both. When people say “let it come to you”, I think they mean you should meet someone organically, as a result of simply going about life – but you need to be open to connecting with people, and you need to put yourself in situations where you can meet new people – both male and female, because your guy friends will often introduce you to their female friends.
You should be proactive in the sense that you’re able to with women frequently (as friends, not with a romantic outlook at first even if you find them attractive). If you think the other party seems interested (they initiate conversations with you) and you’re attracted to them, then suggest for the two of you to hang out sometime. If they make an excuse, they’re not interested. Don’t chase – don’t try to change their mind. But if they say they’re free on this or that day, then congrats.