Hi. Spent the last five hours crying my eyes out but I feel like writing this out might help me with my feelings. Sorry for the long ramble. We met our freshmen year of college, and we were so in love and so of life. But then you told me you were dropping out and I broke up with you because I didn’t think it would work out when we lived 4 hours from each other and each of us did not have a reliable car/time to visit eachother. Then a couple years go by, and you reach out to me. I was getting cheated on by some guy and was making my plan on leaving him when you walked back into my life. You saved my life. No one has treated me as well as you did. You are kind, you are generous, you are patient, you were the love of my life. You helped me grow up and become a much stronger individual and I cannot thank you enough for that. We helped each other through health problems and mental health issues, but I guess it was too much for you. I know I put you through a lot. I know I came from a family of narcissists, I know you can tell. I know you put me through a lot too. I know it’s hard to be with someone who’s constantly sad, who’s constantly complaining about every single problem I have. But I went to therapy, I worked on getting my meds right… I lost weight to be happy to move again. I swear I was getting better. But then shit hit the fan last november and the progressive man I knew and loved has moved further and further from the left. Maybe that’s my fault. Maybe it’s my fault for running you away. I’m sorry. I’ll miss our dogs the most. I won’t separate them, and I won’t fight you anymore. I’m so sorry Louie and Margaret. I’m so sorry I loved you two so much and it’s my fault I couldn’t fix myself.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
The least I can do is to stop your suffering so you all can forget about me and move on. I’m not gonna do anything dumb, I promise.
I’m quitting my job tomorrow. I’m moving back to my parents house. I’m checking myself into some sort of facility to get some help, or at the least to keep myself from getting hurt. I do have a group of friends who are happy to see me leave him. My parents are angry. But i’m so fucking sad. You were my everything. You were my soulmate. I’m sorry I ruined it, you’re not the first one to leave me because of my mental health. I am certain you will not be the last.
Life is so fucking hard I really don’t blame people who can’t get out of bed. I know I can’t.
Sorry for the novel, thanks for listening sorry if these types of posts aren’t allowed.
Comments
It is absolutely not your fault you “couldn’t fix yourself”. You wouldn’t say that if you couldn’t fix your own broken leg. You wouldn’t say that if you couldn’t cure yourself of asthma, or diabetes. You’re doing what you can do now to get the help you need. Sometimes, you have to just focus on you. It’s sad that your relationship with him can’t take priority right now, but that’s not your fault, either. It’s the old “put the oxygen mask on yourself first” thing. So again, focus on your health and getting better.
I’m so sorry you’re in this position and have to say goodbye to the puppers. But please, be kind to yourself. Tune out your parents and listen to your friends. And take care of yourself.