So I(35f) considered my SIL (30f) to be one of my best friends. We hangout often with and without our kids/husbands, text everyday, and randomly call just to chat. She’s recently become friends with my friends and theyre coming to me now saying shes been talking badly about me behind my back. The worst part is she isn’t just talking bad about me, she’s said things about my husband and my daughter. It’s not he said she said either, i was sent text screenshots. I have done nothing but defend her since she married into the family years ago. The weird part is I’m not even mad, I’m just hurt and shocked. She mocks my husband behind his back to my own brother who too is being hateful, they make fun of my daughter too. what do I do from here? I don’t want her to know I know, I don’t want to start drama. I kind of want to silently distance myself from her and just give her nothing more to talk about to others. Any advice?
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So I(35f) considered my SIL (30f) to be one of my best friends. We hangout often with and without our kids/husbands, text everyday, and randomly call just to chat. She’s recently become friends with my friends and theyre coming to me now saying shes been talking badly about me behind my back. The worst part is she isn’t just talking bad about me, she’s said things about my husband and my daughter. It’s not he said she said either, i was sent text screenshots. I have done nothing but defend her since she married into the family years ago. The weird part is I’m not even mad, I’m just hurt and shocked. She mocks my husband behind his back to my own brother who too is being hateful, they make fun of my daughter too. what do I do from here? I don’t want her to know I know, I don’t want to start drama. I kind of want to silently distance myself from her and just give her nothing more to talk about to others. Any advice?
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Sounds like you need some time and space away from her. This has ruined your relationship with her. No matter how nice and apologetic she is to your face that will always be in the back of your mind. I would cut ties and just be cordial when you see her at family gatherings.
How dumb does she have to be talking badly about you to your own friends? Over text no less. I would just disappear from her life if it was me. Having endless arguments and discussions are for if there’s something worth saving. But is this your brother’s wife? Could get messy. I bet your parents will want everyone to just pretend everything is fine
Drop her as your confidant and friend because she is a snake. Keep it cordial at family events. If she questions you, be honest. Good luck OP
It’s ok to let a person know that they’ve disrespected you and that you are done with maintaining the connection, because they breached your trust. It’s easy to want to keep the peace, but make sure you’re not just being avoidant for the sake of keeping the peace, at the expense of your own self expression.
If you like, here’s an idea of something you could say…
“Hey SIL, I wish I didn’t have to do this, but I’ve been shown some clear evidence that my relationship with you is not as trustworthy as I thought, and so I’m pulling away from this connection. I’ll still be cordial with you in social settings, but the things you’ve expressed to your other friends has demonstrated that I cannot trust that you’re genuinely invested in our friendship or have my best interests at heart. I have read the things you have written to others and I’m not at all cool with it. See you around when I see you at family functions, but otherwise: goodbye”
Just quit hanging out with her. She seems like a pretty classic mean girl who is perfectly polite to people’s face and then talks trash about them being their back. She’s probably talking trash about your other friends to other people. I also hope you other friends are also cutting ties with her as she has been shown to not be a good friend and is completely two-faced.
I personally wouldn’t confront her, just stop hanging around her unless as family functions where you should act distantly cordial. Try to avoid family drama unless she specifically demands why you’ve quit hanging around with her. Save the receipts too. That way if your parents say anything (in case she or brother goes to them), you have proof of what she has been saying about you, hubby, and daughter. I could see her being the type to play the whole ‘woe is me’ card about her bestie cutting her out of her life…and not knowing why. So make sure you keep the proof of her actions.
Tell him some monstrous bullshit under the seal of secrecy. And laugh to see her spreading this (for example, you are very sad to have developed a very serious intolerance to fish and seafood and gorge yourself on it in front of your friends). It’s falsehood and it will make her look bad in the eyes of your friends.
Tell your husband what’s going on. Work together to create a slow fad from their lives plan. Become an expert at gray rocking and rinse/repeat answers
I’d confront her and straight up ask her. No passive aggressive bs. Just say something. Let her be uncomfortable and in the defense
Oh, you won’t be starting drama. You’ll be ending drama by ending a friendship with her.
You can go no contact in your personal life. You don’t need to make stink by blocking her. Stop taking her calls. Ignore her texts like you ignore texts from politicians asking for money. Mute her on all social media. Be civil when you see her. She’s going to ask you or someone else why you don’t talk to her and then she’ll know what she did got back to you. What’s so hard about sayin, “You’ve talked about me and my husband behind our backs, to people who are my friends. And you and Brother make fun of daughter and that’s unforgivable. I don’t want that in my life.”
I can’t understand your insistence on not calling her out. You indicated you had screen shots as “proof”.
I cannot stand people who are two-faced…nice to you but crap talking behind your back? Nope.
Any reason you haven’t shared all this with your husband? That’s his sister or brother’s wife afterall. He should at least be told.
Were it me, I would forward the screen shots to her with a short message pointing out how you thought you were both friends and you didn’t deserve this. Tell her since she has such a low opinion of you and your entire family, there’s no reason to pretend anymore.
Then, without further discussion I would just go LC with zero outreach and cold shoulder if there are mutual family events you can’t avoid.
Don’t let anyone tell you to “take the high road” here. She’s insulted your child. FFS!
You now know what you know. You can’t brush it aside and pretend normalcy. If that ever returns it should only be after an enormous amount of apology and fence mending on her part. (Even then, I would never trust her again)
Tell her to keep your child’s name out of her mouth it’s a child they are innocent and have nothing to do with it. That’s just cruel and a true pos move bad mouthing children. Get far away asap before she drags your name through the mud and people believe it.
One worded answers, respond after so long if they text you and even leave on read, if you’re at a event together crop dust her and blame her it if it smells
Tell her directly that you found out that she has been badmouthing you and your family and that, as a result, you won’t be hanging out one-on-one. Also, I’d be careful with your friend, too. Strange that the SIL felt comfortable sharing such bad opinions about you with someone who is your friend.
You and your husband need to sit her down and tell her that his name your name and your daughter‘s name should never leave her lips and that you find her behavior and what she’s doing unacceptable and will not be tolerated. And you should either go no contact or low contact. And explain to your family members and friends why you were doing this when at family gatherings be polite be cordial as in yes no how are you? I am fine. I really have nothing to say or totally ignore her. You cannot trust this person and your interaction with her should be minimal or nonexistent. Sorry it happened to you.
Just block her and stop engaging with her. Cutting people off is easy, honestly.
Why not let her know? Tell her and your brother you have a duty to protect your daughter and husband and that’s why you’ll be blocking them.