I have been married to my husband for 10 years. We have 3 children, a home, careers. Everything looks PERFECT to the outside.
However, he is downright nasty to me. I have tried to leave in the past but it didn’t work. His mother knows what he can be like but turns a blind eye -his external persona is Mr Nice Guy.
I am planning to do the “silent divorce” where I know we won’t make it and try to financially plan. Has anyone managed to do this? I will not be leaving for a while as I refuse to hurt my children. I know it will impact negatively on me, but what’s another few years?
Comments
>His mother knows what he can be like but turns a blind eye
Really don’t understand why you need to bring up his mother into this. She doesn’t need to discipline her adult son.
If planning the divorce is best choice for you, just do it. But you need to remember that using your children as a reason to stay in unhappy marriage sometimes backfires big time. They’ll be watching their parents being unhappy and miserable, they may grow up having a negative impression about relationship/marriage.
A new secret account and sufficient savings.Financial independence is the only barrier between abuse and freedom.
Also practice detachment-easier said than done-but helps a ton.Avoid physical intimacy if possible (I am guessing there is not much of that happening anyway)Do not argue,offer or ask for explanations or try to change him.Keep the peace.Not because you are afraid of him but you don’t care.
And when it’s time keep it brief and move out and move on.
Sending love and luck all the way from India!
It might be worth your while, if you can, to speak with a divorce solicitor. That way you can get proper legal advice on how to proceed with this. You don’t want to have gone through ten years of that nonsense for you to have to start from scratch again if you can avoid it. They will be able to advise you on how to separate finances, set up accounts etc to protect yourself. They will also be able to advise on how to proceed in regards to any assets you may have too.
What I will say is that you will want to do all this as quickly as possible. Even if you two aren’t throwing punches, those kiddos are going to grow up thinking that love looks like what they see you two exhibiting right now. Whether there is physical violence or not, I’m certain you dont want them to think that is what happy relationships look like. Also, they pick up on everything, and I mean everything. They also hear everything. Including those arguments late at night when you think they’re asleep.
I hope you are able to do what you need to do to live a happy life for yourself and your kids. I know I’m not offering much advice but I just wanted to say that I genuinely hope the best for you. We all deserve to live a life that we are happy with. 🤍
I would very quietly & discreetly reorganize my things. Perhaps store some with friends or family. Sort out your future life. Eventually talk to your kids. He knows it’s an unhappy marriage, so no reason to stay.
Narcissistic abuse is what you are suffering from.
Get on the divorce subs.
I had a partner decades ago would be so friendly, charming, and kind at church…
We would get in the car and the window would roll up and the verbal abuse would start at me.
It was like Jekyl and Hyde!
I left his ass and about five years later found a sweet soul.
You have to just vanish. He won’t even care. He will find a new victim.
You are teaching your children that it’s ok for you to be abused .. they may grow up to be abusive towards you and others too. Staying for the kids doesn’t help. It harms. A happy mum does help
How is that possible? When I apply for the divorce, he needs to get notified so he can respond to it. Have you ever reported his abuse?
I was you (USA 66f) with only one child. The Therapist taught me something I never forgot “you can’t change someone else, they can change when you respond differently” it has helped me navigate many relationships, and while I divorced, I didn’t have 3 children. If you haven’t gone to therapy, go now. It gave me tools to be as stable as possible (my ex hit me in front of our son, I called the police). Good luck
Sounds like he is psychologically abusive. Your local domestic abuse support service will be able to help you plan how to leave him safely for when you are ready, and safety plan for while you are not. Just because he has never physically hurt you doesn’t mean he won’t ever.
If he is coercive and controlling then he’s more likely to flip when he realises he is loosing his control over you and more likely to do something terrible. Those are the ‘mr nice guys’ and ‘perfect families’ that you hear about on the news.
Either way, please seek professional support, they are likely able to provide support or signposting to financial and other professional support.
Ok, I tried this. My first husband was similar to yours. EVERYONE told me how lucky I was to have such a great husband. Was going to stay in the marriage until the last kid left for college. However, once the kids were old enough to start talking to me the way their dad did …I was out. I was not going to allow that to happen.
Kids are super smart and when they see how dad loses his temper it’s imprinting on their brains. It’s also very stressful for them I’m sure when dad is verbally abusive.
Leaving was AWFUL. For everyone. The divorce process was AWFUL bcs once I left the husband was intent on destroying me. There was money. Mind you I had put him through school and dragged myself all over the country for his career while leaving mine to chance. That said, leaving was THE BEST decision I ever made. We all survived. The kids were all ok and happy after the initial drama. They 100% understand why I left.
I did financially plan the divorce as much as one can. I consulted with a lawyer. I got a PO Box. I dealt with the bank accounts. I protected myself and the kids financially as much as I could. All this before I ever told him I was out. Until I was gone I didn’t realize the constant stress I’d been under for YEARS.