Idk why exactly. Maybe it’s because this is the first real thing I’ve felt even though I’ve been though this a million times. I gotta vent.
So I (19m) matched on Facebook dating with a guy in my area (26m). Well call him Jay.
Jay swiped first and we had a 4- hour long chat till my phone was about to die. It was late at night to early morning due to his job being a late shift. We had good chemistry, but I noticed even then Jay was sending mixed signals. He made it clear to point out that he was in a happy relationship, but he was only really saying it when I was asking direct or clear questions.
Jay’s bf had wanted him to make friends because of what I know Jay doesn’t have any friends outside of bf. This is important for later.
He flirted with me without labeling it as such, says he was sensitive, said “lol” and “um” quite a bit to the point I asked him why he did this. He just responded it’s a habit. And it was specifically when I asked him honest questions where he had to think about how to respond. I took that as he was trying to undermine his efforts and say he’s weird, instead of trusting that I would understand.
One day me mentioned he wanted to take me to a stroll garden nearby. Not only was it $6 that he was willing to pay for me alongside him since I had no money, but he mentioned it was the first date he and his bf went on.
I forgot to mention he did this the first day to – comparing me to the bf. We knew each others ages, and Jay called me a “baby”, saying Jay met his bf when he was 19. My current age. Given context and how it popped out of nowhere, it made me blush and pause.
He also made sure to heart half of my early messages on the app before exchanging numbers and sent pics of what he was doing here and there while keeping the general vibe going. All the while reinforcing me of his current tie to his bf.
Come this morning when he messaged me and we started normal chat. Then he messaged and said Jay’s bf saw a message, saying the bf was interested to hear what my voice sounded like, which mind you was a very personal voice not about something I went through to try and connect with him, as Jay asked me a very personal question. He stated that Jay and his bf regularly check each others phones, and this is the biggest thing I was unsure about. That is healthy if done right, but I still valued my privacy regardless of the relationship, which is a non-negotiable for me. Was I in the wrong for wanting this?
He started pressing me, so I gave in and let my breath out. I told him specifically what I was feeling and how it affected me. I asked him multiple times to give me his side of the story as a genuine relationship is messy but it means it’s real. Jay instead decided to deflate saying I was catching vibes that weren’t there, minimizing my efforts to be open with him and refusing to acknowledge that his actions were also at fault even if he didn’t realize.
I told him how my life experiences in general shape why I do what I do and why I was so adamant about this. The more I tried to talk to him, the bigger a hole he was digging. He told me “see you later”. I wanted to say so much more to hope this would work, whatever it was, but when I deleted my ties to him, he messaged again and said “I expected something else.” Also said “see you later is not forever. Goodbye is.”
This wasn’t the first time I was at a loss for words. But again, my efforts did nothing. So I told him what I learned growing up:
Everyone has a rough upbringing. We all have our own shit to deal with. The mature ones reflect and call themselves out. We learn from our struggles, not wallow in self-pity. Everyone close to me betrayed me in one way or another, so I can only fully trust myself.”
I then wished him well and hoped he found a genuine friend like he wanted, then deleted his contact.
Another big thing is how this happened within a span of a week. We were supposed to see each other tomorrow. It’s sudden, and maybe another big reason why I was so confused the entire time. I can’t speak for Jay
Do with that what you will. I have trust issues and am neurodivergent. Autistic, sensory integrated, even left handed. I am no stranger to being an outcast of sorts.
What I don’t understand is how the maturity is reversed and yet it should be equal. I turn 20 next month and yet am more mature than allot of guys in their 20s and 30s. Im trying not to rant more but I am very good at seeing patterns. And this one I’ve dealt with and seen before from other family as well.
But I still can’t help feeling hurt and wronged, like I was part of the problem. I’m an emotional al whip. I give a shot of a real connection with anyone to call out their crap and still love them, because it’s extremely rare of a fairytale relationship of any kind to exist. Especially in this world. And allot of people don’t reflect or learn as I did myself.
Maybe because of my other-worldliness, I don’t know. But I go through this kind of thing where no one wants to understand and keeps their version of what’s normal or expected. When they saw they try, it usually sound like they’re just explaining how the world works. Which is good. But they do it without really acknowledging my struggles more than saying I’m a baby.
… I’m just not sure what to do. It stings and hurts. We did have a genuine vibe, and he’s the first person to actually answer all my questions and give me full attention. That itself is kinda rare. Not to mention it’s my 2nd week in a new state and city and I’m having a difficult time adjusting to new expectations. An in-general version of this. I’m in general much slower to understand and get easily panicked when stressed or overwhelmed with little or no help. It’s sad to say I’m used to it.
I’m also am attracted to older men because of the fact that they should be smart and know what they want. Not surprised I’m wrong.
I gave him too much energy. I wanted to believe he’d understand. I know better, but still. Now I know.
I still wonder why I didn’t ask him the hard questions after the first day, as I discovered the mixed signals from the start. Maybe it’s just human to hope for the best and assume one slip-up like this won’t happen again.
I’m young and people automatically assume I’m naive or dumb to know what I want or what I’d bring to the table. But in reality I’m one of the most real people you’ll ever meet. And it sucks because not everyone is. Once charm wears off, it’s easy to really see someone for what they are. It’s just a bunch of propaganda kinda. Thats my opinion at least.
I’m not gonna give up looking for my person. Honesty it’ll most likely take a long while, ya never know. But I don’t like being taken advantage of. We all have things we’re not proud of. I’ve gone through my share of em. But I just don’t know how to feel about this experience.
When people ask me what’s wrong in anything, I rarely tell them, as they won’t try to understand everything, or just say this is how the world works, or give halfhearted scripted lines to make me feel better when they really just do the opposite. But I know I’m not alone on this. But it definitely feels like it right now.
TL;DR, I (19M) connected with a 26M who was already in a relationship. He sent mixed signals, compared me to his boyfriend, and made me think there was potential for friendship or more. When I opened up emotionally, he dismissed it and said he “expected something else.” I’m hurt and confused about the maturity gap between us.
I’ll be fine but this just really sucks right now.
What would you do in my shoes, am I in the wrong at all or assuming?