My parents got hit hard during the 2008 financial crisis and foreclosed on all their homes. Now, they are both 70YO and don’t own real estate and both receive a combined SSI of $1500/mo (A joke in CA). My youngest sister settled a huge lawsuit recently (Over 600k free/clear) and to help the family she purchased a large home for 600k putting down 35%. My parents and other sibling moved in and so did I. I am paying most of the mortgage and all the bills. I promised her prior to her opening escrow that I would move in for 6-12 months to help with the move and pay to help the family but would be moving out after everyone was settled. It has now been 10 months and I am considering purchasing my own property. I am in my early 40’s and have been wanting to purchase my own home for many years. A recent conversation I had with her letting her know that I will be moving out pissed her off. She basically laid a guilt trip on me for wanting to leave even tho I promised to only live there for 6-12 months. I found a home I really want to purchase and am considering putting down an offer however my mortgage and bills will make it so I wont have much left over to contribute anymore to the home she purchased to house our parents. She makes 230k+/year but currently lives in an expensive part of California and has her own bills etc. I dont want to fight with her but what should I do? Stay there and keep paying? Work overtime and pay her monthly in addition to my own bills for housing our parents? Any advice appreciated.
Sister purchased home for elderly parents and now I am moving out. AITAH for moving out ?
r/AITAH
Comments
NTA
You were clear from the beginning.
What did she think was going to happen?
Does this 3rd sibling who lives there contribute anything? If not, why not?
Seems like an expensive house. Were there cheaper alternatives?
You did not agree to mortgage your life to her.
If she made a mistake, then she’ll have to sell the house and buy a cheaper one. Another option is for her to move there.
Do not let her guilt you. You are not doing anything different from what you told her in advance you would do. Perhaps she thought she could guilt you out of it. Perhaps she didn’t think at all.
If she has some of her settlement left, she can use it to pay down the mortgage. She/they could rent out a room (not ideal, I know, but if there’s not a better option….).
It is admirable that the two of you are trying to help/save your parents. Looks like you all might have to find another way, however. If your sister could not afford this house, she should not have bought it.
You should do what makes sense for you. Not her. Not your parents. Not anyone else. You did exactly what you said you would do. Sister is the one who moved the goal posts. Stop worrying about the other adults. You shouldn’t have to compromise your life bc they made bad choices. Sister should have bought a smaller house just for parents and with initial help from you and siblings, paid enough down where parents could manage the rest on their own. But due to yet another poor choice, she expects you to sacrifice. Now the next choice is yours.
NTA. If you were upfront about your plans to move out after a year, she should have only purchased a home that she could afford on her own. It is not fair to expect you to continue to contribute to something that is outside your budget in perpetuity. While I do respect the sentiment of wanting to make sure your patents have a home, does it need to be such a big one? Get them a smaller, more affordable house. Or a condo. Alternatively, she could take your spot in the house when you move out, sell her own house, and get rid of all the bills associated with that home to free up money for this one.
No reason for you to put your life on hold because your sister shopped outside her price range. But, it’s not fair to your parents, either, to put them in a position where they have nowhere to live. It really sounds like they just need to downsize a bit to fit into your sister’s budget, and you can help your parents out with bills etc when and where you are able.
NTA
This is a crazy set up in the first place. I assume since your sister bought it, it’s her name on the mortgage you’re paying?
She’s upset because you are paying her mortgage for her and now she actually has to deal with it herself.
Good luck with your house purchase.
You should move. That said, you and your family should have worked out a long term financial plan prior to your sister purchasing the expensive home if everyone knew that you only intended to live there for at most a year. If the home is not in your name you should not be responsible for most of the mortgage when instead you could invest the funds into a home of your own. Because you have every right to move it’s time for your family to get together and work out a more feasible plan to assist your parents for what might be many years to come. NTA.
NTA. You’ve done your bit. It’s very nice for your sister to buy your parents the home but it’s not your responsibility to pay for it any longer.
You said 6-12 months.
You need to set up your future and your house etc as well
Nta: you told her your terms. This arrangement should not have been made with you in mind to pick up the slack financially, which she seems to have done. Idea: let her sell her home/condo and move in to the big family home!
NTA. Its her problem she didn’t believe you. You need to live your life and let her figure this out.
What is your sister’s problem? Are you leaving your parents in need of someone to take care of them? Or is her concern only the mortgage payment?
NTA – But seeing that your parents are cared for is an equal responsibility among all the kids, including the sibling who is living there, but not involved with the finance.
“Seeing that your parents are cared for” doesn’t imply doing the hands on yourselves. Nor does it mean that you have to rent from your sister. (If you are paying sis’s mortgage, that’s probably about the same cost as renting, mortgage payments in lieu of rent sounds like a fair deal from your end.)
If she cleared 600K and the house costs 600K, but put only 35% to the down payment, she has the other $390K to pay down/off the mortgage on the house your parents are sleeping in.
Why did your sister purchase such an unsuitably expensive and large home for your parents? Start there.
NTA. You were very clear up front about your intentions. Nobody has a right to mad at you.
What do you do? You tell her you’re leaving. That’s it.
NTA she has the funds to continue support you fulfilled your promise! Buy your home and keep moving!
So you should just stay and pay for the house she would own? Not have a family of your own or any assets because you’re in HER home paying it off for her?
NTA
You tell her to pay her own damn mortgage. She chose to play saviour. She doesn’t get to do so on your income.
It seems like your parents need to look for jobs, at least part time, because neither you or your sister can afford to support them.
Move now or you will just become a bigger villain when you try to later.
Um… if you are the one paying the mortgage and all the bills and your sister is the one on the deeds… then she didn’t “buy a home for your parents”. She purchased a home for herself and is renting it out to you. (Or at a stretch, she is renting it out to your parents and you are paying their rent). She has very cleverly made this look like a super kind thing she’s done for your parents when it really is just an investment. It is not your responsibility to manage or finance her investments.
NTA
In the end it’s her property. So you told her few months. Few months is over. Bid on that home before it’s gone. Your sister will have to pay mortgage. If she didn’t have enough to keep it bank wouldn’t have got her in it. She just wants you to pay mortgage.
NTA you were clear from the start about what you planned to do. Your sister shouldn’t have bought them a bigger house if you were required to be living there for them to afford it.
Perhaps you could bring your parents into your new home, and she could make money on rental of hers. You could work something out with her so that her sacrifice will continue to benefit all of you. Perhaps you stay in her house and you rent your new house.
Obviously, your parents can’t go on the street. But you deserve to build a future for yourself while still helping the family. If you both look upon your current situations and desired futures, which protects your parents, but lets you both make your money work for yourselves, you can solve the problem. She has shown she is a good person with Plan A. You are a good person. But you need a Plan B which works for all.
Pack! NTA
Your sister is loaded. Why are you paying for HER house?
You are not the only child and you are not obligated to carry your parents for the rest of your life. It sounds like you’ve done a great thing for them and actually a great thing for both of your other siblings. You have your own life to live, and your parents will not be here forever time for you to move on and fly. Just do what’s best for yourself and remember that parents raise children to go off live their own life
Californian here, unless your sister grossly overpaid, the house probably went up in value while you paid all the bills. I’m an investor – and you are hard pressed to find a home (in any condition that didn’t go up in value over the last 2 years). She (at a minimum hasn’t lost money) and your parents have essentially been housed on your dime.
The problem here is 121 exclusion won’t apply upon sale since the primary owner didn’t live in a home for a minimum of 1 year, 2 recommended to do a 1031 exchange and avoid capital gains. It’s considered a second home.
If your sister treated it like a rental property and had signed leases with collected rents, filed taxes, and at least 1-2 years of rent to show – she could 1031 exchange it.
I recommend your sister rent a room out in the home, show rents collected for the next 1-2 years and then 1031 exchange it for a property that is better suited to the family and HER budget.
You won’t get anything with the sale of that home, essentially you’re renting. I’d leave
Sorry, but 600,000 and doesn’t purchase a cheaper home outright?
A 660K house in California south of the bend in the state would probably be comparable to a 330K house in the Midwest.
The disabled sibling would need to pay her own living expenses if she didn’t live with the parents. It’s not a one way street.
SHE made the decision to buy the house. She supposedly had the money to do so. Why exactly is this your problem?
Can they rent out whatever room you are staying in?
Your Sister should have consulted a financial advisor before jumping into another house with a mortgage for elderly people who can’t work. This was never going to be sustainable. It wasn’t a good plan.
NTA – Not your mortgage, not your problem.
Nta. You said terms in front. You noticed sister of your intentions. That’s it. No further explanations to her. Just “I’m acting as i said i will. You agreed”. her poor planning is not your problem. Stop defending. It makes you a weak target. Don’t engage yourself in discussion about that topic. Hang up, don’t reply to messages, or leave the room if it’s in person.
NTA, but what would you think about putting the house your sister bought in your name? Is that something either one of you would consider? Your sister already has a home. You could give her what you’ve been saving for your down payment and then take over the mortgage. It could work for everybody.
NTA. Zero shot I’m going to stay and pay someone else’s mortgage for them. Seems like you were up front about your intentions. Go do your thing! Not your problem.
Is 600K a reasonable home price for a retired couple living on fixed income?
Seems to me a smaller home would have made more sense
NTA. You said how long you will be living there in the beginning.
Also, on whose name is the property right now? If it’s on your sister name, you pay the mortgage, and she will end up with the house. Keep that in mind.
Help your parents with their needs, bills, groceries. But you don’t have to pay for the mortgage.
There are literally three other adults living in the home. Even though your parents are 70 they can still get jobs and help pay rent. Those living there need to sit down and see what the expenses divided by 3 are, and maybe the owner of the house (your youngest sister) needs to chip in more especially since this is HER investment property. But no matter what happens this is not your circus and you were clear from the beginning.
Purchase your own place and give sis your move out date. Feel free to not subsidize their living situation any longer. This is your sister’s house and SHE can move in and help pay for it rather then living separately. And if she cannot swing it, then you will all have to figure out housing the relatives who have no place of their own.
You need to invest in yourself which means purchasing real estate so you have assets. If you have enough to give an allowance to your parents than do it. But your sister purchasing a huge home and not being able to afford it on her own was a mistake. Maybe she needs to downsize to something smaller with a mother in law sort of apartment in it. Like we own a 2 family house and plan on renting one side to supplement our retirement.
Also your sister is getting all the tax advantages owning the home but not actually affording it.
Live your life and one else’s plain and simple your the most important person on the planet if you are happy life around is too please follow though purchase your house make it a home and enjoy no ones else’s thoughts matter
Move out
NTA you told her it would be 6-12 months and then you are moving on. She can rent your room to offset costs but this is on her