I 35M, absolutely love my wife and my daughter (5). Yesterday my daughter was watching YouTube kids on ipad. She was way past her screen time and was already told by her mother to turn it off and go to bed for a couple of times.
Finally her mother comes in and takes the ipad off her. All of a sudden my daughter started getting physical with my wife, starts throwing fists and legs at her mother. This was the first time my daughter like this. I was working on something. I saw it and asked my daughter to stop. She didn’t. I asked another time. She still didn’t. Finally I got up and gave two tight slaps to my daughter in the back.
There she goes to bed immediately. I felt bad but I couldn’t just watch and allow her mother to be disrespected like that. At one thought, it was excessive use of force but at the second thought, she needed to learn that nobody is allowed to disrespect the mom in the house. Anyways, needed to get off my chest.
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I mean, it doesn’t sound hitting her is something you do. Sometimes kids need that. I would get the wooden spoon , only hit with it once and honestly as soon as my mom grabbed it in the future I immediately did whatever it was that she was demanding because fuck getting it lol. So for me it was a lesson learned. Maybe it will be for her too.
I understand why you reacted the way you did, it’s tough to see your child act out, especially toward their mother. But at 5 years old, your daughter wasn’t trying to be disrespectful in the way an adult might. She was overwhelmed by frustration and lacked the emotional tools to handle it properly.
Instead of punishment, a more effective approach would be to help her understand and regulate her emotions. Acknowledge her frustration (“I know it’s hard to stop when you’re enjoying something”), but set a clear boundary (“It’s okay to be angry, but not to hit”). Logical consequence (like losing screen time the next day) will help reinforce the lesson without fear.
Physical punishment may stop the behavior in the moment, but it doesn’t teach her why it was wrong. Over time, guiding her through emotions with patience will help her develop self-control and genuine respect, not just obedience out of fear. Parenting is a learning process, and reflecting on moments like these already shows your commitment to doing what’s best for her.
It’s hard to admit sometimes our tempers get the best of us.
I know you’re not asking for advice but I’ve found that YouTube and YouTube kids does something to kids. More than one parent I know agrees with me and my personal experience that kids get mean when watching it. We’ve had to ban it because the simplest request turns into disrespect, temper tantrums, and dysregulation. She’s two different children when YouTube is banned versus when she’s allowed to watch it. Her dad keeps giving in because she’s just watching Minecraft builds but I put my foot down and said no more. It also helps to have no more iPad an hour or so before bedtime so the tantrum from it being put away is settled before bed.
It seems that you made something bad, but definitely it’s not, because that’s how your daughter will understand she is not the boss of the house. Maybe is a cruel way, but…
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There are times when words can’t do anything.
Bro I hope you didn’t confess like this on your primary account.
Get that kid away from electronics and ANY screen time. She’s showing early signs of addiction, and considering her age that isn’t a good thing. I seriously wouldn’t let that kid have any of that stuff anymore unless it’s for school, or well after the age of 10
I’ll be honest with you. I come from an Asian household and when I said what you did was right, believe me it was the best thing. No matter how much you love your kids, it is always important for them to know their limits, if they cross that limit and they know there are no repercussions, they won’t hesitate the next time and will never know the consequences.
This will be a lesson for them and to know not everything always works out the way they want it to and trust me, they’ll thank you later in life that you did what you did to keep them in check.
Only mothers should be able to dole out physical discipline, you’re a grown adult man. That’s a 5 year old girl. Unless you’ve got a teen boy beating up on his mum/sister/girlfriend- dad can have at it, otherwise- leave it to the mother.
She should thank her lucky stars that she’s not 🇳🇬. That will be the last day she’ll see that ipad. Don’t feel bad… you’re parenting your child. That’s how it’s starts… fighting your parents at age 5, what will she do at 15yrs?
When I was in highschool at 15, I secretly started dating this 19yo guy who turned 20 in the months we saw each other.
Well because we lived in a smallish area, the guys grandmother called my father and informed him.
Now let me just say, to this day, my dad is my best friend. He has always been one to talk to me instead of hit or spank.
WELL, he takes off work, comes home to take me to the Dr (unrelated sinus infection) and when I got in the truck, my dad knocked me upside the head so hard I could taste colors and smell sounds. He let me know then and there we had a serious problem.
That smack, and the things that followed opened my eyes and saved me from a host of problems.
Sometimes, your anger and fear can take ahold of you and words just don’t do enough to get the point across. I still love my dad and am very thankful for that slap well over a decade later.
ETA: I’m not advocating for physical punishment, however in certain instances I think it’s a last resort and will work out better in the long run for a lesson. Only when necessary.
Edit 2: yall can downvote this all yall want. I was giving an example as the child in the situation. One important part to this is talking to your child after and explaining why something happened and why it’s wrong. As my dad did. My mother was actually physically abusive and what this father and my father did, is not.
Mate, all you’ve taught your daughter now, is when she has big feelings snd feels overwhelmed she’s gonna be hurt if she reacts to it. You’ve also taught her it’s ok for men to slap women if they feel she deserves it.
I can appreciate parenting is hard, especially when children react violently but in this case there was no reason why you couldn’t have held her down to stop her hurting your wife while she calmed down. You are the adult, you are meant to be the example to her, if you don’t want her to react violently in future you need to practice what you preach.
You should have done better here and you owe your daughter an apology
When we resort to hitting we have lost control of ourselves. You need to sit down with your daughter and apologize for losing your temper (show by example) Then tell her you expect her to apologize to her mom for getting physical with her. Explain that no matter how big her emotions get it is never OK to attack someone like she did. Then tell her because the bad behavior happened when she was on the iPad there will be no devices for a week. (AND Follow through) No Phones, Tablets, Computers (unless for homework) or even TV. Every night read a book with her and also practice some breathing exercises to calm down right before the story. Get some books out of the library on controlling emotions and activities for bored kids.
You daughter is showing signs of device addiction. You need to nip that in the bud now. It will take time and perseverance but what happened cannot be allowed to happen again and you might want to restrict devices on school days/nights. She can read or color when she is bored
Adding Article on Gentle TV vs modern shows for small kids
I grew up in a house where you never disrespected your mother. Never a raised voice, never a harsh word. Otherwise face the consequences. I tried once. Maybe twice. I’m going to be 46 soon and I still, don’t raise my voice to my mom, nor say a harsh word. I don’t advocate for the beating of children, but I do advocate…. Very very strongly for the spanking of children when needed.
Screen time should only be given if the child is adjusting well. I think this shows that your daughter isn’t currently mature enough to have screen time. YouTube videos rise dopamine and taking it away makes the dopamine crash. It can lead to anxiety and depression. Tbh it’s not good for everyone especially the short form videos. I think you shouldn’t hit your daughter again because you’re trying to teach her that hitting is wrong by hitting her. That won’t work. Cutting her off her iPad or whatever else will be hard but I hope in a few weeks you will have a much happier child
The iPad kids are getting violent
She’s gonna thank you in the future.
Good job OP!
No more screens. Period. Fill the silence with real music. Not that “kids” crap. Your child is a person. Would an adult allow you to take their tablet away from them at any moment? Read “ How to speak so little kids will listen.” This book will change your life. It’s not about screens. It’s about communication and how a child thinks.
I get the frustration, but at five what she learned was when people can’t handle their big emotions they used physicality….so don’t be surprised if she does it again. That’s what your response is teaching her.
The kids need to be disciplined
She really crossed a line
And I also hope you guys talk it out in the open to let her know that violence is never the answer especially inside home
She’s FIVE. She uses her fists because she is still struggling with regulating her feelings and expressing herself.
You’re an adult. You have no excuse.
My niece did something similar to her mom two weeks ago. She didn’t want to let go of her tablet, so it was taken from her and she hit and kicked her mother.
My sister in law is way to sweet and soft to her, so at first she didn’t punish her at all. Only when my brother in law (her husband) came home, did she get punished.
Kids need to have very firm boundaries with screentime, or stuff like this happens. They get so worked up over damn youtube brainrot videos…
I understand what happened to you, and it’s good that you feel bad about it. I hope your daughter learned from the experience.
Slapping our children isn’t something I’m against. I am however against slapping a child if there aren’t any controls in place for this behaviour to exist. It’s not a child’s fault that it’s super exciting to be on an iPad. You need to either limit it or take it away entirely. Children shouldn’t even have those things.
so you want her to respect you out of fear and you want to teach her that its ok to hit people as long as you are stronger than them and are in a position of power over them? and be honest you did it out of anger also
be careful she doesn’t start to associate you with fear, if that was me I think I’d start to see you completely differently. That typa thing doesn’t go away, you can maybe forgive but never forget. Apologise and make it right before it’s too late, imagine yourself in her shoes.
So you taught your daughter it’s wrong to hit someone by hitting her? Confusing imo. I’m not judging you, just giving my opinion 🤷♀️
“my daughter (5 years old, learning development stage) didnt get what she wanted so she resorted to physical violence. so i taught her that when i dont get what i want, i resort to physical violence”
that about sum it up?
Been a dad for 15 years now. The amount of times I’ve wanted to hit my girls has been exactly zero.
This is harsh, but your failures in parenting lead to you hitting your daughter. Do some research about screen management and learn how to use your words to convey your message.
So you behaved worse than a 5 yr old. Yay you! /s
It’s time to permanently take away the screens….
I’m wondering why your wife can’t properly parent her child? If your wife can’t take care of her own kid without being rescued, maybe she should get parenting classes. As for you, you’re a grown man, and there were many ways you could have handled this without aggression. Especially since this was the 1st time your daughter has acted out physically. It honestly sounds like you and your wife need to figure things out.
Sometimes, a child may need to learn things the hard way. I know I did, but this reaction from a 1st time action was way overboard and completely inappropriate.
It’s interesting to see how divided the comments are on this thread. I(M) was about 11/12 and I swore/cussed at my mum, it’s the only time she ever slapped me and I can honestly tell you I never did it again. Gentle parenting is for gentle kids. People forget that young kids are unable to comprehend and rationalize things so there comes a point where negations are pointless. I’m not saying physical discipline is the answer to every tantrum but there is a large population of youth that has never had discipline and it shows.
Restraint and a good talking to is what she needed. We have to stop letting technology parent the kids.
Hitting a child is never okay. Take away her iPad asap
Violence begets violence. You don’t teach someone not to hit by hitting.
You did what needed to be done and it worked☝️don’t feel bad🤣
I think you get some unnecesary heat for the slaps. I do not encurage beating kids and keeping them in fear, but when I was acting like a little backtalking brat I got the slaps as well. Mind you it was rare, most of the time it was just threats, like ‘im gonne count to 3 and get the wooden spoon” or :I’m gonna sell you to the gypsies “(yes im from central europe)
Kids are going to test bounderies and firm fathers need to be though sometimes.
Brother, as a recovering addict myself, I strongly advise you to take immediate action to end her screen time. Your daughter is about to fall into a lifelong, absolutely terrible pattern of addiction, and it will be your fault.
It’ll be an addicted lifestyle so severe that it will literally spread into every aspect of her life, including food, substances, and her relationships.
Yes, it is that serious and yes, you are 100% responsible for the future development of your child right now. Take away these devices and seek professional help.
You hit your daughter to get her to stop hitting. Hopefully, you see how confusing a message that is to a five year old. If Dad can hit her, why can’t she hit mom? If mom shouldn’t be hit, why should she? Is she less loved or worthy of respect than mom?
Your reaction is completely understandable, but ultimately counterproductive. She needs to learn how to resolve conflicts without violence, and the only way she’ll learn that is through consistent modeling. She needs to see that no one in the house uses physical violence to solve problems, and she needs to know what they do instead.
She was feeling big about losing the tablet time. She needed someone to help her out words to those feelings, and then help her understand why tablet time had to end, that her feelings are valid, and that it is better to use her words than her fists.
She’s five, holy fuck. Hitting her is going to accomplish nothing other than some lasting trauma. This was not at all an appropriate reaction or parenting decision. It’s no surprise she’s having behavior issues if this is how you handle things
You don’t get to claim that you love your daughter “absolutely” in the same statement where you admit to physically striking her. That’s harsh, I know. You’re literally the bigger person. You could have restrained her and forced her to consider her actions. Instead you taught her to fear you
Of course you love your daughter. But “absolutely”? She found a limit
LMFAOOO not that deep yall b acting like this context of discipline is the wildest thing in the world. It’s the kids that never raise a hand to their parents getting their ass beat that’s the issue! She was tripping she learned her lesson. Don’t beat urself up
She shouldn’t have screens, at all.
I don’t give a shit if you and your wife sometimes don’t have time because of work or other things, and I don’t care if it makes things easier for time to time, in this day and age every parent should know very well how their kids end up when they’re raised by screens.
You decided to have a child, now you two need to fucking raise her. No screens until she’s much older.
She’s five years old and is already so addicted she gets violent when it’s taken away. Those punches will be a lot harder when she’s fifteen and you turn the wifi off. That violence will be cranked up to a hundred.
Almost all kid media, especially youtube kids, is ultimate brainrot and do zero good. All it does is fuck children up for life.
You were frustrated because your daughter threw a temper tantrum, so you threw one back. You’re supposed to be the adult, act like it.
You’re teaching your daughter that the way to deal with frustration is to physically hurt the person causing the frustration.
Children can be frustrating, but you went from 0 to 100 too fast. She wasn’t given a chance to understand why her behavior was problematic or given the time to make amends. Now in her child mind, all she has learned is that violence is a valid form of communication and that daddy is mean.
To be honest, I don’t know what the right answer is. Hell I don’t even have kids. I’ve only helped raise nieces and nephews. But what I find to be the most productive and calming is to just hold the child and talk through the problems. While you’re holding them, they won’t feel abandoned and throw a fit trying to get your attention. You can then ask them why they did what they did and why it’s wrong.
Spanking has been done for 1000s of years, don’t be soft when it comes to raising a kid or you will be stuck with a snotty brat
A good example of being soft is someone like my neighbor. His kids never listen and are a thorn in the side of everyone on the street. He will sit there and threaten and yell then give up and not do anything about it. You need to make sure your kids know you are not messing around and follow through.
Apologies to her and explain why you did it, how you felt and that it wasn’t okay, but also let her know that hitting is not a good way to express emotions ever and have her apologize to her mother. It’s way easier than you think to traumatize a young child, especially if you hit them, young kids learn very quickly that it’s okay to be hurt by someone you love and they almost always blame themselves for someone hurting them, which is not something you want. In the future don’t lay your hands on your kid, and if you do or feel like you’re going to please go to therapy because that’s is not a good thing to think
MAJOR overreaction. Why on earth would you slap her for not listening only twice? You didn’t even put any steps in place, you tried no reasoning and went straight to violence. Well done dad. I hope you apologised and told her how you were in the wrong.
The hitting will only reinforce to your daughter that hitting is ok or to fear you as a parent. Not respect you more. That’s outdated information. Staying calm and firm as a parent will reinforce a better outcome and model how she will handle future issues. Also at 5 years old you can’t put the expectation on the child to be that “respectful “ sounds like it’s more of an issue of curing back in screen time and having more social play and interaction. With a reaction this strong to taking away a tablet it’s more of the tablet having control over your daughter than you two as parents. This is the dangers of too much screen time
You have 2 seperate issues here. The screen time and the fact that you slapped her.
Slapping her is not okay. It is traumatic for her and teaches her to be afraid of you. You cannot ever do it again. I can’t force you, but please do not hit her. again. It’s hurting her. It also doesn’t teach her anything useful. The point here should be to teach her not to hit people or physically hurt people when she is upset. Doing exactly that to her just shows her it’s perfectly okay to hit people as long as you’re bigger and stronger than them, and it teaches her to continue to act out and be agressive. There have been many studies and observations of children who have expeirenced physical punishment, and it’s very consistent that it causes them to do worse in all areas and become more agressive. It’s also just flat out abusive.
Some people here might dismiss it or view it as no big deal since she was acting out and the hits were minor, but you’re much larger and stronger than her, and being hit by you is really scary for her. It changes the dynamic of the relationship and makes you not a safe person for her. I don’t think she’ll be forever damaged if this is the only time it ever happens, but it’s a mistake and harmful any time it does.
It’s also not okay for her to be hitting your wife, but she’s 5, you’re a grown man. The fact that she’s doing it doesn’t mean you should be.
The screen time and aggression from her is also a big problem here that needs to be addressed. As others have said, if she’s on it for an excessive amount of time and is becoming addicted, you will likely see a huge difference in her behavior if you stop allowing her to be on it for so long.
It has shown that youtube kids(and youtube in general) has a bad influence on children.
Why? Because its overstimulating. All those flashy colors, fast paced stories etc. Its like a drug that influences ones brain.
A good way would be to let her see older shows from back in the 50’s all the way until early 2000s. Studio ghibli movies are a good start. There colors are sutble, the story is relaxing and slow.
Also dont let her have too much screen time.
Try using a timer next time, then if she can communicate asking for more time you can decide whether or not to give it to her. The goal is for her to communicate instead of lashing out.
get her away from electronics, she’s addicted
lol I grew up in an Asian household and if this happened to me I’d be like “yep entire my fault, won’t happen again”. I still talk and visit my parents as much as I can 🤷🏻♀️ you’ll be fine if you feel bad afterward
Dude, she’s 5… If the only way you know how to “discipline” your child (who is 5) is by hitting her, then you need to do some serious soul searching because that is beyond fucked up.
Also, what do you mean screen time? She shouldn’t be on the Internet at all, even if it is just youtube kids.
That shit can snowball into an actual addiction way too fast, and judging by her reaction, it has already started.
Obviously, you care a lot about her. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be posting this.
So, a) find better ways to entertain her, does she like to draw, what kind of toys does she have, books, etc. The Internet is seriously dangerous for children, and unless you are literally looking over her shoulder the entire time, you have no guarantee she won’t see inappropriate content.
And b) find better ways to discipline her. You wanted to help your wife, which is understandable, but your reaction was wrong. Time out is one example, or no dessert, etc.
And lastly, c) Do you have a bedtime routine. That can help a lot, like getting ready for bed, putting away toys, preparing for the next morning, and reading a bedtime story.
There are resources on everything I just listed online. You are not alone with this. Good luck!
She’s five…. Congratulations you just taught her to be scared of you
A bit tangential to your post. I wasn’t spanked / hit / physically abused as a kid but by how common it was where I’m from, I kinda just saw it as a normal thing.
Now that I’m a full grown adult, I really just can’t fathom hitting someone who’s so small and mentally “undeveloped”. So it’s really surprising how a lot of the comments here are just encouraging it.
Also if this is the first time, shouldn’t she be given grace? Like even if you think corporal punishments are necessary isn’t it only fair to either make her understand what she did wrong first or find the root cause of the issue first? Hitting is a pretty massive jump for a first offence. She’s so young she probably can’t fully regulate her emotions yet.
easy answer is no more ipad.
Bud, kids sometimes need spanking, anyone who says otherwise isn’t a parent
My daughter won’t be allowed anywhere near YouTube kids. That was your first fuck up right there
I can hear the regret in your post so I won’t tell you what you did right or wrong. It happened. Don’t let that define you, your daughter, or your relationship. Both you and your wife are still guiding your daughter’s life so next steps are to sit her down and talk. Talk about the iPad, the hitting mom, you hitting her, all of it. Then put some guidelines together so that the lesson learned going forward is that choices have consequences. You can even give yourself consequences.
You didn’t necessarily anything wrong. You reacted. Now, react differently.
Honestly speaking, 5 years old is too early for an iPad. She’s at an age where most of her persona is forming, and just leaving her alone with an iPad is not doing her any favors. Try doing more activities that involves interacting with people. Train her not to seek instant gratification and be empathetic.
She has very little control of her emotions as a 5 year old, you’re an adult and you should. You need to get help now before this escalates. All you’re teaching her is that men are abusive, she cannot fight back, if an adult isn’t doing what you asked do you physically assault them too? No because you’d go to jail. I get it, I was spanked and my first instinct when I get mad is to hit, but it’s possible to learn to control that anger.
i remember every single time my parent(s) slapped me, it stays with you. i understand the frustration, but you & your wife also must acknowledge the role that you have played in this…as many have already stated, your child seems addicted to the screen. i’m begging you to take youtube away—for a long time—& stimulate her brain in other ways.
& work on speaking to her like she’s a human being with feelings & emotions that, especially at 5 years old, she has no clue how to regulate. apologize to your daughter like she’s a person, make sure she understands what you want from her (not hitting her mom, getting off screen when told, whatever), & don’t hit her (or anyone) again. learn to regular your own emotions as well, & reflect on the way you two are parenting.
i hope you take everyone’s advice here…
I don’t have kids but this is bad parenting. She 5 and can’t regulate her emotions. There was definitely another way to do this.. You’re showing that it’s ok for someone who loves her to hit her. You should apologize to you child and tell her it was wrong for you to do that.
Stop going young kids tablet.
Don’t let it become a habit / easily solution now.
Only cowards hit people on the back. Slapping a child on the back? Parent instead of handing your kid a iPad and you wouldn’t have had a problem in the first place.
Good parenting.
Parents need to have each other’s back. Kids should know violence will be returned in kind.
Quick question, is your kid neurodivergent? Sounds like nuerospicy rage… Don’t know what variety based off the limited description, but that’s shouting nuerospicy rage
You are a grown ass 35 year old and still can’t self- regulate your emotions or control your anger? You need therapy and/or anger management.
Slapping a toddler is honestly unacceptable behavior – if someone saw you do this, they might call CPS and report you. CPS would take your child from their home for this behavior.
And kids don’t forget this stuff, especially by age 5. The effects of violence against children this age are serious. Your behavior will make her think this level of violence is normal, and may very well mimic your behavior.
This will also make your kid blame themselves for your abuse, which will have long term effects on their mental health.
This could even stunt her development.
Teaching a kid not to be violent, by being violent? Hmmmm…
You slapped your 5 year old?
You slapped a 5 year old. That is the take away here. You hit a child in the face. The behavior she was exhibiting is learned from you.
I saw a teacher post how children were becoming addicted to electronics. The dopamine hits from using iPads and games give the kids a constant high. So when you take their electronics away, they go into withdrawal. Now you have to deal with a child addict going thru withdrawal with no stopgap or maturity to stop themselves from being violent.
So your daughter was getting violent with her Mom so you got violent with your daughter? This is supposed to teach her what?
If a child is not old enough to explain why the behavior they are displaying is not okay they are certainly not old enough to be physically harmed over it either. You as a third party should have removed the child from the situation.
You need to parent her, no electronics. she doesnt know how to properly manage them yet. she is way way way too young to be having electronics and an ipad.
You did the right thing, you snapped her out of what she was going through.
Theres a saying, “this is going to hurt me, more than it hurts you.” I’m not pro physical abuse and spanking should be an extreme solution. The more you do it now, the less you’ll have to do it later.
I can count on 1 hand how many times my parents did it and the memory of it put the fear of God in me.
Thats an addictive personality. Keep the screens away from her and do IMMEDIATE behavior therapy.
This is why my kids only get iPad when they are sick and confined to their room, or when we are traveling a long distance (2 hours or more). And it’s NEVER allowed to be YouTube. Ever.
We have some LEGO games, and they can watch selected shows on Netflix or Disney and that’s IT.
I am absolutely fed up, of people saying keep children off electronics.
I’ve used electronics since I was little kid in the 80s, (and contrary to belief children had numerous electronics in the 80s PCs, Consoles, TV and VCR) and if I didn’t have electronics as a child I highly doubt I would have had a career in I.T.
However, that being said, everything should be in moderation. A child should come off from electronics without a meltdown. I always did without a meltdown, and I wasn’t the perfect child
I’m not sure how you parent, but all my children were told to come off electronics at set times. I have the same philosophy with my niece, and none of them had meltdowns.
Also, don’t feel bad, but my parents would have whopped my backside and if I behaved that like with my mother. I wouldn’t be having this conversation with you (as my father would’ve killed me)