We met when I was 12 (now 22f), and when he was 16 (now 27m). It’s hard to explain the dynamic of our relationship, but he started touching me when I was 12 until I was 16. My first time trying drugs was with him and because he was at the forefront of my sexual development, my first orgasm was with him too. I think having that agency taken away at such a young age has definitely shaped the way I view healthy sex. Long story short, he touched me for the first time in years over Thanksgiving. Fast forward and we had sex last night. I struggle with trying to understand if I have this inherent attraction to him and why I’m so subservient to his needs. I’ve accepted and processed that I was groomed and molested as a child, but I don’t know what that means now as an adult. I’m 22 now. I feel like i can no longer pass this as “oh I was young I didn’t know any better”. I am making the active decision to be sexual with him and I guess now it seems like this decision has completely cancelled out the abuse I endured? I dunno. This isn’t a common scenario from what I understand, so I’m having a hard time trying to gauge what this means.
Comments
Keep some distance, and get therapy if u can. It’s a complicated situation. You don’t want this to keep going for years and years to come.
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The dynamic of abuse has clearly continued, and the fact that your an adult now doesn’t change this. While you may have ‘consented’ the history of sexual assaults/pedophilia between you has obviously influenced this a lot. This is a horrendous situation, he has clearly exploited you quite a bit throughout your childhood, the only way through this now is therapy I think.
I would also recommend you cut contact immediately, and do not get back in touch under any circumstances. You definitely aren’t to blame for this situation, as weird as it feels now that you are also an adult. Sending lots of hugs
Maintain as much distance with him as you can. Avoid him at all costs. And get therapy. You need to break the cycle of abuse.
If you weren’t looking at it that way then, then it was probably that way. Stop deciding to continue to do it. Like I get since it’s been all these years you may feel like “fvck it” but you do NOT have to. For me, I wonder if this is a normal teenage boy thing or if he too was abused by someone and just repeating what he knows… hard to say. But this is some steep stuff man. Kudos to you for trying to get some help and opinions 🙌🏽