As a quiet, introverted guy, I completely understand the pain of smalltalk. However, you can’t walk upto someone and immediately ask What’s the meaning of life, bro?. Everyone will look at you like a weird idiot who doesn’t understand basic social skills.
Also, every friend you’ve ever met until this point started with smalltalk, and whenever you see them, most of the conversation is pointless bullshit (aka smalltalk).
Yes, there are times that deep conversation is important, such as when you, a friend or a family member are going though a hard time, but those moments are quite infrequent in the grand scheme of your life.
I genuinely can’t think of a situation where smalltalk isn’t beneficial. Although, I’m sure some exist, and would appreciate if anyone in the comments could point them out.
Thank you.
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When I think of “small talk”, I think of pointless chatter that adds little to nothing to the lives of anyone involved
I don’t think this is unpopular. Ofc when you have just met someone you can’t ask them “what’s your worst trauma?” lmao
I completely agree. People who go straight into big talk thinking they’re doing something impressive and unique are just annoying. I hate small talk too but it’s necessary to lead into big talk. You need the small talk to see if you’re on the same wavelength, to establish if you’re likely to get on. When someone I’ve never met is like “Hi, so what is the meaning of happiness for you?” I just find them very tedious and arrogant, and not as amazing as they obviously think they are.
Yes. I kinda roll my eyes a little about the dating app profiles where they put something like “I hate small talk, I only enjoy deep conversations”, like, everybody enjoys profound conversations but to start off you need a little small talk to get there.
One of my closest friends bounded up the stairs at me on the second day of high school and handed me a slip of paper and said “hi we have seven classes together my name is my name here’s my phone number.”
We’re 42 now
It depends on what you define as small talk and deep talk
No one goes up to someone and asks what the meaning of life is. That’s a lie that films told us
Starting with how’ve you been, how’s your day/week is completely fine and valid, and it depends how well you know someone
I live on small talk. I have ASD and talking more than a few minutes is owfull to me.
It always ends up with me on pain.
So the only way to be able to talk to people is small talk, everywhere and nowhere.
Doesn’t have to be super deep all the time but a mindless oh it sure is chilly today or can’t wait for the weekend is mind numbing. Put some thought in. Make someone laugh.
“No talk” is the best talk
I both agree with you and not… 😀
I think what’s considered small talk varies from person to person and your current interests.
I used to love deep talk, or at least it’s definition that I had for it at that time – the type of chats people open up emotionally to others. I used to love when my friends would share their life struggles, and vice versa, and we’d try to brainstorm solutions or just vent to each other. Nowadays, this kinda chat puts too much pressure on me, I deliberately avoid it, because I don’t need more added to my plate.
As of now, I consider small talk being discussions about: what’re your plans for the summer?/what are your favorite foods?/what did you do this weekend, etc kinda topics – chill and easy subjects to just go through whenever I wanna casually talk to someone or just wanna quickly engage in social behaviours.
So in that sense, small talk can be boring, but also not – depends on my mood that day – eg. if Sandra had a nice weekend and did smth I am interested at (went to an amusement park), I might not be bored, however if she just did laundry, then yeah, i’m dozing off and kinda counting the minutes until water coller convo is over.
Are these type of conversations100% necessary? Yes and no, cuz I can easily go on with my life without knowing these useless facts about people, but we are social creatures and we kinda have to engage in these kind of chats if we wanna belong in our environment – work, uni, school, friend group, etc.
One can easily choose to be a small talk nomad, I’ve done it many times and i recommend it, especially if you have stuff going on in your life and you are experiencing a mental overload. That’s the best time I can think of when small talk can be completely unecessary. (to me at least)
PS: Here’s an unpopular opinion – “What’s the meaning of life, bro?” IS in fact a small talk topic, imo.
I think your idea of small talk encompasses more than what most people consider it to be.
Smalltalk is not about the topics but about the people.
Getting to know them, some ideas, catching up, weighing in. At work, casual talk is sortof important because thats the way to exchange experience (be it issues, best practices..)
It might be but if thats all you ever have it can become a chore that feels usless enough to be given up on all together.
Suggestions for socialising where theres no chance for conversations to go beyond small talk could isolate people more by making all interactions with others superficial.
As a finn I disagree on the necessity of small talk
The only people who don’t understand the function of small talk are unsociable shut-ins who have completely misunderstood social dynamics.
Of course small talk is necessary.
There are few people that actually like small talk, so everyone proclaiming „I hate smalltalk, I like to talk about deeper stuff“ seems ironically superficial and egotistical to me, given they believe that they are somehow an exception to everyone around that seemingly loves small talk. All while not getting that others simply know that smalltalk is necessary and the oil that greases the gears of conversation and are just the prelude to potential deeper talk.
Wanting to skip the smalltalk is like saying „I am not interested in getting to know you, just stimulate my desire for deeper topics please!
Absolutely agree that it’s an important step. It say it never really goes away since you’ll still probably do a fair bit of it with your friends at times.
I will say though that apparently some of my very first words to one of my friends was: “Do you know what beats 4 aces? A gun” and that supposedly cemented for hit that we needed to be friends. Sometimes weird and over the top works
Have you ever met a guy who immediately started to talk about a topic you know nothing about and has no interest in. Yeah, small talk is supposed to prevent that.
We do not know what topics to talk about, so we start with something universal. Only when we get to know them better can we start to talk about common interest.
My issue with small talk is more to do with intent.
I don’t like that type of small talk that’s performative, like that kind where it’s obvious that they don’t actually care about what you have to say, but are just talking to you because they feel like they have to.
But if you actually care about what I have to say, then I don’t mind it as much.
I don’t love it, but that’s more so because I’m just not a very chatty person outside of people I’m close to, like I’m not the kind of coworker who’s going to talk your ear off the entire shift, I’m very much someone who will only talk to you if they have to.
Also as more of a personal preference with small talk, if we’re not friends then I’m not really going to share many personal details with you because I’m a private person. So when I start small talk with people, I tend to stick more to hobbies and interests, instead of more personal details like talking about family or whatever.
But I find that for a lot of people, they’re actually the complete opposite, and in those cases I just find small talk extremely uncomfortable.
Well I think there’s small talk, and there’s just say “what are you doing?” Over and over in different ways
Everyone does small talk some just think small talk is “deep” because they asked about something other than the weather. I asked someone “What’s your favorite movie” and was accused of trying to be “Deep” instead of engaging in small talk.
As someone who doesn’t tend to do small talk, I basically agree: the fact that I can’t even fake caring about this type of conversation makes it almost impossible for me to connect to anyone.
As for an example of a situation where small talk isn’t beneficial: when it’s with me, because I find your polite “taking an interest” questions annoying and intrusive.
You gotta start your day walking before you run. We can’t always be sprinting. Both have their place in our lives
What is small talk exactly? Is talking about common interests small talk? Is talking about work small talk? Talking about the news/current events? Asking about someone’s family? Because these are all interesting things to talk about for the most part
I hate small talk, and big talk tbh. I am a very quiet introverted person, but somehow married a very popular man with a big family and a huge number of friends. The amount of weddings I have to go to and parties we host is insane. But I will agree small talk is necessary, especially if they want to start moving towards the big talk.
I’d rather be left alone, but if you’re gonna hit me with the meaning of life let’s at least discuss how work is going first.
I dont care how big the talk is, it just needs to be about something. I could not care less about the extremely average weather weve been having or some nonsense question about the place were standing at. Neither of us care. We can get to know each other and talk about things that interest at least one of us just fine. Ill take the lead if you wont but theres no reason neither of us can like the topic at hand.
Yes, small talk is a matter of politeness. Especially in work environments, trying to do small talk without feeling weird or miserable is extremely useful, because the vast majority of the people you interact with every day aren’t closely related, so the image of you they will get will be due to small talk interactions.
In my first job at a pizzeria, someone new had just been hired and the first thing the guy asks me is “so do you believe in god?” before even asking my name…
I was so caught off guard and the worst part, he kept going on about philosophical debates which made it even more awkward 😭. This is literally what i think of people every time they say they hate small talk and try to skirt around it. IM GOOD
Yes, kind of obviously even, because that’s how you start getting to know a person. It’s not the substance in the topics, but more the way they talk, behave and present themselves. Small talk is enough to learn whether you get along with the person you’re talking to or not.
I think “What’s the meaning of live, bro?” is probably a pretty good starter.
I dunno, boobs probably.
So you’re saying that smalltalk is important, because people expect smalltalk?
That’s both a true, and kinda pointless thing to say
You can in fact walk up to people in specific areas and talk about deep things right away, it depends on context.
If youre an introvert I dont see why youd like to walk up to any random person anyhow. Just go to places where people with similar interests go and boom, immediate reason to skip smalltalk, because theres actually interesting stuff to talk about.
I could argue that small talk is important in the UK or USA, where it’s ingrained in local culture.
No matter with who and where I’m talking, I don’t indulge into unnecessary weather talk. Like, even during my time working in corporation, I never had to resort to small talk.
It’s culture thing, not universal truth.
It especially irks me when people say that relationships should only be these “profound” conversations. Like dawg I just wanna know how my wife’s day was God damn.
Idk if this is that unpopular an opinion, at large. Many many people enjoy small talk or find it to be necessary for their purposes in conversing.
I don’t disagree that it’s needed to have larger/deeper conversations. I think I’ve personally just gotten to the point that I’ll just stick to my own thoughts if small talk is the necessary bridge I’ll have to cross in order to talk about anything else at a deeper level.
This is also where mediums like Reddit can be an alternative to bypass the small talk to get to more riveting debate more efficiently. Then, if/when I’m bored, I can move on without having to find an opportunity to gracefully move on. I’ve cold walked out on a face to face convo. It didn’t go over well.
i agree with your point but i think youre confusing a conversation with depth and a deep conversation. i dont think people are looking for deep conversations with passers by in the street lol
I am Finnish. Small talk is a waste of time. If we speak, we speak and get straight to the point and if we do not, we stay quiet.
It’s obviously not that simple, but in a way it is. Sure saying things like hello and how was your day can be interpreted as small talk, but I don’t think it is if you genuinely want to know how the other persons day was. This is why we do not use “how are you” as just another way to say hello like you seem to do in the states, but we use it to actually find out how someone is doing. When you care about someone and their day, then speaking about things like this isn’t really small talk.
When you don’t care about the other person, why ask? This is how I see it. If you do not know the other person and don’t care to get to know them, just don’t talk. i avoid many uncomfortable situations by being comfortable in my silence.
yep. like wiping your ass or cooking, not fun but necessary sometimes
You can just not talk
Honestly the people who “only want deep conversations” are infinitely more boring to me than the people who like small talk, because they tend to expect everyone else to provide them with that deep conversation.
I just prefer meeting people around hobbies so you end up primarily talk about the hobby and your shared passion for the skill/interest rather than small talk as I am introverted and hate small talk
Small talk is just conversational wrapping paper.
Ill give you the introvert stare if you do bs small talk around me.
Tbf I think also when people say small talk they mean different things.
Small talk when it’s just politeness when people don’t really want to know but are just saying things because it’s expected (like when someone’s clearly called up or came to the office with a practical purpose but knows there’s obligatory things to say before that), I personally find infuriating. If you’ve come to me with a purpose, check it’s a decent time to talk, tell me that purpose, don’t ask me things you don’t actually want the answer to. It feels insincere and just awkward when you can feel the tension of someone waiting to reveal their actual point
But small talk when you’re actually meeting people (either friends or new people) or trying to have an actual conversation is pretty necessary
0% necessary. There are entire country’s that choose not to engage in small talk and somehow they manage to top the charts for happiest country’s
The only problem here is that you think I want to talk to people for whatever reason
Boring and pointless. Talked about deeper stuff with my friends early on otherwise, wouldn’t have been friends with them
I feel like the reason I suck at small talk is because whenever I’ve tried engaging with my peers or parents, they just seemed completely uninterested in a single thing I’ve ever said. I’ve had my father flat out ignore me on car rides when I was just trying to talk about random shit to end the silence. Now almost every car rides is silent because talking feels pointless if I’m just gonna be ignored
There isn’t a binary dichotomy between small talk and deep talk.
For me, regardless of how deep or shallow the conversation topics are, it’s about whether I care about what the other person is talking about or whether I don’t.
When people claim to hate small talk, it seems to me they usually mean the kind of talk where both persons are pretending to be interested in the subject even though neither does. Talking for the sake of not being quiet, because that’d make them feel uncomfortable for whatever reason.
Can it be useful? Sure, depending on the context. Necessary? Not really.
I didn’t get to know any of the people in my life by talking about the weather or some other pointless shit. It’s all been people I met in a context where we had some common interest we liked to talk about. And then we found some other common interests.
For me, vapid small talk is tiring and draining, so it isn’t a good starting point for anything when my first impression of that other person is that I’d rather be somewhere else.
The ironic thing is that people who go on about how they hate small talk are often the same ones who absolutely suck at deep conversations
People don’t hate small talk as much as they think or say they do. They’re also better at small talk than they think they are.
It is funny to come across those losers who think that saying they hate small talk makes themselves look more interesting.
And thats why I try to enforce it the other way. Any idiot who tries to come up to me with small talk is going to run into a wall. Live how you want the universe to be like.
No most of my friends I met did not start with small talk most of my friends honestly were just friends bringing around other friends of theirs that they thought I might get along with and then we just played a game together or whatever and naturally became friends
Never did I just sit around being like hey buddy how was your day how’s the weather what do you do for a job
I have built and maintained a pretty healthy friend group around me without ever really needing small talk to do so
I also don’t really believe in the concept of a awkward silence and think that silence is perfectly fine and that frankly if you can’t spend time with someone without just enjoying each other’s company then there’s something wrong with your friendship
Also moving the goal posts to where small talk now just includes pretty much anything that’s not like a deep heartfelt conversation is ridiculous, small talk is essentially just like when you’re standing around in an elevator and some dude randomly starts asking you about your day and crap, Just having a silly nonsensical conversation with your friend is not small talk
“So what are you into?”
That’s personal.
“Ok, good talk.”
It’s not just a two-ended pole lol … there are a lot of degrees between basic small talk and the meaning of life.
Once I was taking a philosophy course … and once on arriving, I had opened the classroom door only to see it was dark with the blinds down and a bunch of people were silently meditating in the dark. I closed the door and walked away a little. When I saw a classmate I recognized but had never spoken to, I asked him if he had opened the door. He started giggling madly and quietly, as did I. Because yes, he had. We bonded.
Small talk is not my forte, but it felt very natural to ask him that 🙂
I don’t think this is an unpopular opinion but I still disagree. I don’t think small talk is necessary in situations where talking isn’t necessary but that’s mostly what it’s used for.
It’s not boring, you just don’t know how to read people. You can tell when someone is less than fine by listening to how they talk. You shouldn’t need to make people spell it out for you.
When it comes to most people I’d rather talk about the weather or local sports than philosophy/politics/whatever people consider “real conversations”
The weather is at least a shared experience based on objective reality, I don’t really care what a relative stranger or a minor acquaintance thinks the origin of the universe is or whether or not human life has an inherent purpose.
I sometimes ask people “Interested in some big talk?” and if yes, I will ask them about such topics.
Here in Finland we have very little to none of small talk. If there is, it’s extremely brief. We talk when there’s something meaningful to say. Otherwise we enjoy the silence. Great place for introverts
why Smalltalk when you can have notalk
I think people have a different definition of small talk to me then. There’s quite a chasm of conversation topics between the weather and ‘deep’. I always say I hate small talk because it’s pointless shit that always has the same answer; “how are you?” “What about this rain, huh?” “How was the traffic today?” But then there’s talk like “oh you knit? Nice, I crochet, how do you find the differences?” Is that considered small talk then? Cos I never have, that’s just normal sized talk.
Its neccesary yes, I don’t think its unpopular, most people understand that very well.
But it doesn’t have to be boring. Sometimes its better when it is. Other times, even small talk can be creative. Some people are so over pointless talks that they will be euphoric when you attack them with something unorthodox.