Throwaway acc because she knows my reddit account
A couple of days ago my gf (24) invited 2 of her friends to have dinner with us. They have known each other since highschool and are really close. We had a really great night together and everything went well until one of her friends watched something on her phone and showed it to us. It was a random girl in an ad and she said “well she reminds me of jennifer.” They all laughed so i asked who was jennifer, and my gf told me “well it was a girl in highschool that we kinda bullied”. One friend added “well especially you” and they all giggled. Topic was quickly changed afterwards but once her friends left I asked my gf what happend back then. She said “just the usual highschool girl drama, dont worry about it.” So i said “but u said u bullied her”, and she replied “yeah thats what i just told u. We were kinda popular and she wasnt, thats life”. Then she told me some pretty fucked up stuff she and her friends did to jennifer and said that she deserved it. I probably looked
shocked when I heard this so she said “dont worry we all grew up and moved on”. But i was wondering if this is really the case. Is she still the same person inside or did she really changed? Should i talk to her again about this?
Comments
>Is she still the same person inside or did she really changed?
No idea and any answer would be speculation, which I’m not supposed to do as per subreddit rules.
>Should i talk to her again about this?
This is a really good question and a hard one to answer. Do you want to? Do you think she’ll be receptive to a conversation? What do you think it’ll achieve, and how likely do you think success will be? I’d consider these factors before deciding whether or not to talk to her again about it
Ngl this is horrible from her
Bro bullying has real consequences on people. It changes their life, makes them depressed, gives them PTSD.
Bro I’ve seen other posts of both boyfriends and girlfriends finding out their partner were previous bullies and left them
Bro you gotta be careful cause having this lack of empathy is awful. Like how can trust her?
Have a talk with her. Get to the bottom of it. If truly was bullying then leave her cause clearly they aren’t remorseful or care
People change, focus on the actions she does today and where she is wanting to go in the future.
This lack of remorse or regret at 24 is alarming to me. I still feel terrible about a kid I bullied in fucking elementary school like 15 years ago. He’s now my close friend that I respect a lot
Tbh it doesn’t sound like she regrets her actions or has grown as a person. I think this would be too much of an ick for me to continue in this relationship
>”We were kinda popular and she wasn’t, thats life”
>and said that she deserved it.
Man, wtf.
I don’t like that she doesn’t show remorse.
Red Flag. Deal Breaker. She wasn’t even sorry about it or remorseful which would have possibly made it better. She is missing some normal female decency and compassion. She is not mother material. And she would probably continue to cause strife with women or embarrass you in your social groups during married life too.
I’m also not sure how she is trying to relate being popular to bulling people. I knew plenty of people in high school were were very popular, cheer leaders, student leaders, etc, and they were totally nice and never had to bully anyone.
I need more details about the bullying and about why “she deserved it”.
Mean girls RARELY grow up to be nice women
Think of the girl being bullied was your daughter. Now really think about what you wanna do.
Did the girl who was bullied grow up and move on too?
I bullied someone back in high school and it is one of my biggest regrets. I was young, naive, didn’t know any better, it just seemed fun, but I understood the real consequences of my actions once I got more mature as a person. I would never in a million years remember someone I bullied back then, laugh about it, shrug it off and move on. I would be visibly regretful for my actions. That is NOT okay that she hasn’t felt differently about it. She is still this person if she doesn’t show any negative emotion about it. Talk to her, understand how she feels about it, and if it is how it looks right now, RUN for your life. You will never be in a safe space.
Given her lack of remorse, I wouldn’t stay
i can’t date girls like this because most of the time they still have this bully mindset in adulthood. The lack of remorse she has is alarming but not surprising, yes you should talk to her and try to explain that it’s not something to take lightly, even if it was 6 years ago
Yea it’s life, she moved on and became an adult
Either get over it or break up
I’ve apologized to people from my past. If you’re really hung up on how she was in high school you could ask if she’s willing to apologize to her? Saying she deserved it is gross but people DO change… especially after high school
I would dump that person on the spot if I found out they use to be a bully and have not changed. Them giggling about someone in their past they hurt and probably made suffer is disgusting. You shouldn’t want to be associated with a person like that. It’s good she told you though because now you can make your mind up about it.
If she was laughing about the bullying and pretending that it didn’t matter, then no, she hasn’t changed.
Thats a no for me. Couldnt date a hs bully who is unrepentant
She is a shit bag.See had she actually felt bad for the way she behaved as a child when she was younger then she would have said she wished she had been different or something had changed in her, and she realized the error of her ways, but she did not. She is still the same.
Didn’t show remorse. she’s the same girl from HS. Who you know as your girlfriend is her alter. Thats not the real her.
she said “dont worry we all grew up and moved on”.
“everything went well until one of her friends watched something on her phone and showed it to us. It was a random girl in an ad and she said “well she reminds me of jennifer.” They all laughed so i asked who was jennifer, and my gf told me “well it was a girl in highschool that we kinda bullied”. One friend added “well especially you” and they all giggled. “
So that was a lie, i could never date a bully that isnt remorsefull.
It’s one thing to have been a bully, but changed as you got older or experienced more. This sounds to me like that hasn’t happened. Bit of a red flag there. You do not want a partner who is still the person they were in HS, and judging by the fact that she’s also still running around with the same friends she was bullying people with, I would venture a guess and say she’s that person.
Your gf moved on because it didn’t effect her negatively. Jennifer may not have moved on and your gf doesn’t seem to care.
She’s a bad person. You’re not. Your gut is yelling at you because your values are not aligned. When someone tells/shows you who they are, believe them. Go find yourself someone kind.
So.. she said that Jennifer deserved it, plus she was watching videos about it with her friends. She in fact did not “grow up” and is the same stupid fucking cunt she was back then.
I don’t throw around the C word to often, but i gotta tell you bro.
Your GF is a cunt.
I bet Jennifer hasn’t gotten over it and moved on
OP, I did (sadly) bully some people when I was a teenager. I like to think I have grown a lot since then and feel bad for some of those things. I will tell you one thing you will never hear coming out of my mouth “We were kinda popular and she wasn’t, thats life”… this sentence coming out of her mouth today, now, not in high-school tells me all I need to know… she literally said “that’s life” referring to the person she bullied
She didn’t say “Yeah, we were assholes back then. I feel bad and I wish we didn’t do that”… nope… she said “We were popular. She wasn’t. THAT’S LIFE”
Run
I’d run, I was not a bully, I was one of the tormented. Abusing people for your pleasure is not a feature of childhood, nobody grows out of that.
Ah no. She wouldn’t change a thing about it now. Thats not a good sign she’s any different.
Did they simply tired of their target and “moved on” to bully someone else? Is Jennifer still with us alive people? She does not sound like great life partner or mom material.
Throwaway account=fake post with zero post history to defend the accusation.
Is she an asshole now? Has she grown up, and out of being a bully? Why dwell on her past?
I was bullied in school and my name is Jennifer so I can personally tell you to drop this bitch. She hasn’t changed a bit and she may never leave the high-school mindset. She deserves to have everything taken away because people who lack empathy only understand consequences
Re-read the things you quoted her saying here. She’s still the same person.
I don’t think that Jennifer just “grew up and moved on”
I got expelled from high school for bullying. If that is something that matters to people then we’re not compatible and that’s cool. Date people you’re compatible with. I’m 34 though and high school comes up exactly never
My younger brother’s bully died of cancer in his young 30s. One day ill probably sent that garbage message to his younger shitstain of a brother that bullied us too 🙂 not yet
Do not procreate with this monster.
It’s not just the fact she bullied someone in the past but it’s also how she talks about it now that’s concerning. She showed no remorse, laughed it off and worse justified it and dismissed your concerns.
Which shows a lack of empathy and genuinely an unexamined sense of superiority she has over others. She’s still stuck mentally where she was in hs and you should rethink whether this is the kind of person you’d wanna date.
When people argue “its not a big deal”, then usually its a pretty big deal.
She sounds like she didn’t change at all.
The problem isn’t that she was a bully in high school. Many people were, whether or not they realised it, whether or not they were pressured into it. Good people will learn from these mistakes, they will atone, they will feel remorse.
Good people don’t say their victim deserved it.
Good people won’t assume their victim moved on.
Leave this cunt, you have no idea how such a lack of empathy can impact your life, and you will only realise it when damage has been done — be it to you or others close to you.
What if she acts this way toward friends of yours? Siblings or cousins who are already struggling, who she mocks under the veil of fun?
What if she acts this way toward your kid should you choose to have them? She may not bully them the same way, but she will negatively impact them just the same. She will be a mother from hell. And it will break your kid, and tear you apart.
Sit her down. If she does show genuine remorse, she is acting for her friend, and that is a whole different issue in and of itself. If she still doesn’t care that she picked at the mental health of another human being, then fucking toss her, mate
She’s still the same person. She says that the other girl deserved it. Nothing has changed.
Bullies don’t get to say it wasn’t a big deal.
Find Jennifer, message her and ask her. And then break up with your terrible human being of a gf and tell Jennifer.
If she acts that callously to say Jennifer “deserved it” then she’ll have no problem manipulating and gaslighting you. Maybe she won’t straight up abuse you, but she’ll rationalize whatever unfair and deceptive way she treats you.
Find a new gf bro
People won’t like this but girls are really fucking mean to each other.
She’s a Sociopath. Keep that in mind. She showed you who she was. Do yourself a favor before you propose to this girl. Go and find this Jennifer and get her opinion of your gf.
Your partner sounds like a Republican voter.
If she “grew up” she wouldn’t be proud of it and rationalizing what she did.
Your GF was and still is an asshole and her friends are assholes too. Is this the type of people you want yo associate with?
As someone who had their own experience with bullying, your gf is horrible. She’s supposed to at least have evolved a bit. Grown up, reflected on her bad behavior, have a little remorse, sympathy and we know she has no empathy. But, instead, she excuses her behaviors with, that’s life? She obviously hasn’t changed much since those days and is almost proud of it. I don’t think I could get past someone doing that and not having any remorse or empathy. Instead boasted. If she had felt bad about it, ok. That’s one thing. Your gf obviously believes the girl deserved it because she wasn’t equal to your gf and her friend’s social status. Bad behavior when they were in high school. Gross behavior as an adult.
Judge people how they treat others, not how they treat you or their friends.
It doesn’t look like she moved on, because it seems she didn’t even care in the first place. It shows. If she thinks to this day that “that’s just life” and this girl simply deserved it for being less popular than her, not much (if anything) changed. That’s not how grown up and empathetic people sound like. People do stupid, harmful things when they’re teenagers but as they mature they should realise it was wrong.
Talk to her. Voice your honest concerns and make your decision afterwards. I wish you all the best, OP.
Your girlfriend admitted to bullying someone in high school and laughed it off without any remorse. That’s a red flag not just because of what she did, but how she talks about it now. People can change, but change usually comes with empathy and accountability. Yes, you should talk to her again how she responds now will tell you who she really is today.
Plot twist. OP reached out to Jennifer and leaves the bully for her! That would get my upvote
Sounds like they are still bullies if they brought her name up again in relation to a picture and laughed.
Darlin’, your GF is a mean girl.
Wait until she thinks she doesn’t need to be nice to you anymore.
Not a single hint of remorse, she was the main bully according to her own friends and she says it’s okay because they were ‘popular’ and they seem to be somewhat proud of it somehow… not a good look so far.
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I’m 36 years old and still dealing with the fall out of my elementary school exp. Major major self esteem issues, that kinda shit never really goes away. Your girlfriend might suck dude.
Imagine if you have kids with her and your kid was bullied.
It’s not “just life”. It can have long lasting consequences.
I would dump her because I was young once and never did I ever get off from bullying or making fun of other people.
Probably not someone I’d stay with
Yeah, plenty of bullies from high school mask how much of a twat they really are. Can people change? Yes.
It doesn’t sound like she sees anything wrong with her actions. Her lack of empathy is a telling sign. Remember of you get on her bad side that is what type of empathy and understanding you can expect. Is that the type of person you want to be tied to?
Maybe have a frank discussion about it and how it effects you. Idk what you can expect but I could never trust some one who did this and didn’t try to make things right again. Either through their personal growth or giving back to society. It might be worth it to see how she would react to writing an apology to her victim(s)?
I’m 46, now, female, and I still have insecurities that can be connected to being bullied in high school. In my sophomore year, I asked a guy to the Vice Versa dance (that was the whole premise, girls did the asking). I called him and asked, he said No, we hung up. Fine. The next day, he and all the sport jocks were in their usual half circle around my locker because one of the most popular guy’s locker was next to mine. Well, the giy I asked was as zit-faced, gangly and awkward as I was. We were both also varsity level in our specific sports, but he was popular, I was not. So…. that next morning, I walk to my locker, push through the half circle of jocks, as usual, but they were unusually silent. I open my locker, take my coat off, and BAM!! He gave me one hard shove between my shoulder blades forcing me to hit the lockers with my arms/body. This is one of a few bully incidents I had with these jocks. I should add he was about 6 inches taller than me. Even if he were smaller, he hit me from behind. And I did nothing. I collected my stuff as they all snickered and I left
Tell me if you think, even in 30 years since that moment if any normal person would just forget that or move on without wanting to kick that guy in the balls. Well, I did move on and I forced myself to become physically strong and outspoken partly because I never wanted to be vulnerable again. In college and thereafter, I was the ‘Mom’ friend who ensured all my girlfriends came home with ME without incident and I fended off smarmy drunk guys from groping. That’s just how I used my unfortunate situation to do something better. But not thanks to my bullies. Thanks to myself and the mentors I had growing up. F@#$ bullies. They deserve to at least know how their actions affected their victims.
“We all grew up” is about the worst excuse. Zero regret, zero remorse. That doesn’t sound very grown up to me. Her friends are still laughing about it, so she’s still a bully.
You should have her arrested
The fact that she doesnt seem to regret any of it shows that she is indeed still the same person. I wouldnt want to date someone who didnt care that they were a bully in high school
This smells fake. In general, actual bullies would say something along the lines of “we didn’t like her very much” instead.
She and her friends are absolutely still c*nts. She had a great time being a bully and would love to do it again but it’s no longer socially acceptable, though that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t abuse a child or a friend or you.
It’s bad enough to be a bully in high school. The worst part is that she doesn’t seem to feel any remorse. This is a major red flag! If she at least reflected on her past actions and grew as a person, maybe it would be forgivable. But it seems like she’s still a mean girl deep down.
What happened to Jennifer ???
Are Jennifer still alive ??
This would be a huge deal breaker for me
They didn’t grow up or move on if they’re still laughing at her. Your girl is a nasty person!!
I feel sick reading this because the dream is that once they grow up/leave high school, they feel remorse or at least shame for bullying people. This girl is still the same person. She degraded someone and I can’t even say she feels nothing because she does feel something – superior and that what she did was just a given and that girl deserved it for existing. I wonder how she is with her coworkers. Do you have sisters? Good luck.
“Is she still the same person inside”
It sure sounds like it.
I know this is really what you’re asking, but OP, you have my permission to break up with your girlfriend. I would be a little scared though
well if you’re not attached to your gf and this is a deal breaker for you id break up with her.
What’s she going to be like if you two have a little girl and she isn’t popular?
Op should run. Sounds like she’s too much for them
There’s been a big spate of anti-bullying education since at least Columbine (1999). So, before you gf was born. Which means of course by the time she was in high school 6-10 years ago she shoulda been steeped in it. If we’re talking about, say a GenX person saying this AND showing remorse, that’s one thing; but someone of her age and generation acting as a bully AND showing no remorse is pretty hard to swallow. At least she admitted it?
I think it’s important for you to identify what you want, now that you have this information. Just, what do you want her to do, or to say? Show remorse? Somehow atone for her actions (like, reach out to Jennifer and apologize)? Take a class on anti-bullying? Seek therapy? Do you think this is a dealbreaker for yourself? That you feel differently about her now? Or, is this just something else you’ve learned about her, and knowing that no one’s perfect, you just put it on the ledger against all the great things about her, and leave it at that.
Twisted. I can’t stand bullies. They just have a different thought process with little empathy.
hopefully you never get divorced… she will be petty and a pain to deal with.
Good Luck!
She’s 24..thats wasn’t too long ago. Of course she’s the same person, especially bc she didn’t have any remorse. You’re gf is a bad person
Makes me wonder how she might treat her children. Or if she’s a narcissist since she has no remorse.
How does she treat your family?
She showed no regret for her past actions. Did you notice she lacked compassion before this?
People bullying others in high school is one thing if you grow up, mature, and feel really horribly for what you did. But your GF not only didn’t show remorse, but said, “she deserved it.” This indicates she’s still got that same immature bully mentality, which yes, is a red flag.
Did Jennifer move on? Is Jennifer okay? It doesn’t sound like she regrets or is sorry for what her and her friends did. It doesn’t sound like she became a good person it just sounds like they just got bored of harassing that poor girl.
When I was in gr 7, a gr 9 boy sucker punched me in the back of my head and accused me of ripping his pants. I was just sitting on the bus chatting with friends. It was just a one time incident, so not really a reoccurring bullying situation.
In university, I saw him in the food court eating with one of my friends, so I joined them and brought that up.
He apologised profusely, not making excuses but said he was an idiot in Jr High, and tried too hard to impress his friends.
If it bothers you, you should encourage your gf to reach out to Jennifer.
I was responsible for some bullying in HS and I feel absolutely terrible about it. It is probbaly the thing I am most ashamed about in my entire life.
I have friends who have been bullied and I’ve seen what it did to them. I was personally bullied and I know what it did to me.
It is a terrible thing and I would never do to someone now (30 years) later and would go out of my way to stop it. I have grown up and I accept where I was wrong and where I crossed the line and the kind of person I want to be.
The question is, does your GF know how wrong she was? Is it a joke to her? Does she accept responsibilty and feel any remorse for treating another person terribly?
You can speak to her again and make your own descision on if your GF is worth your time, love and respect.
Does not sound like she cares at all so that person from the past is still a part of her.
Oh my gosh. If my partner told me that I’d be disgusted. I wouldn’t want my partner.. the possible future parent of my child to raise my kid. Ew