My MIL is a special flower.
She’s overbearing, constantly ignores boundaries, over steps her role, highly anxious and therefore controlling, slightly manipulative if she feels slighted, and always has an opinion and if we disagree then we are obviously wrong.
Is she a terrible person though? No – she really isn’t. She has her own issues from her family dynamic and a massive anxiety issue. She wants to spend time with us. She sometimes seems to try and understand what we are saying. She thinks she’s coming from a good place and out of love.
It’s just always WORK to engage with her and my husband and I are over it. My husband is 100% aware his mother is a lot. He has done major boundary setting over the years, in therapy, and supports me. I truly do not have a husband problem.
We have tried information diet, we have tried structured visits, we have tried to communicate boundaries- both from myself and him. It like goes right over her head.
We both have said “man. It’s just easier not to engage with her.” That’s when our guilt comes in. We want our son to have a relationship with his grandma and his grandfather (who really just ignores the situation, a whole other issue in itself).
I guess I’m wondering if anyone has had success with family therapy with their mil? Or how did you not feel guilty about protecting your peace?
Idk – we are both just feeling tired of the situation and could use some advice.
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It’s sounds like you two aren’t really holding boundaries.
Boundaries are things that we control.
Example:
“We won’t be posting our kids on social media. If you share photos of them online then we won’t send you anymore pictures”
MIL posts photo of kids on FB
“Hey, we saw you posted a photo of our kid on Facebook. We told you that we don’t want them online. Because of this we will not be sending you anymore pictures or LO.”
What do you think the therapist will say to her that is any different than what you have tried? You have been kind, she should have been receptive. Therapy will not magically fix that.
“Or how did you not feel guilty about protecting your peace?”
We limit contact and do not feel bad about it. When I start to feel bad, I imagine she’s coming over tomorrow (or in an hour, or whenever) and that triggers my memory 🙂
At some point the relationship she has with your family is up to her. If simple boundaries are ignored or too hard for her then let her know she is choosing the consequence of less time face to face with your family. Tell her its for your own sanity/mental health that you limit time with people who are unwilling to listen and respect you as parents. This includes just simple communication requests.
Don’t feel bad because the relationship you are mourning never existed.
Op, it does not goes right over her head.
You look at her as she does not know what she is doing. She does. Unless she has major cognitive impairment, she knows.
She does not want to deal with your boundaries, nor with rules, so she feigns ignorance.
You are not crazy – she might not be a bad person, she might live you guys a lot – but she is not sparing a single fuck for your boundaries.
Because she puts what she wants before your needs.
She is probably the sort of person that goes “how do i feel about this “ instead of “what is better in this situation” when she have to deal with an issue.
If you want to try some more, just stop trying to explain things to her. She breaks a boundary, you back down. If she makes a drama you say “and thiabis why its hard to deal with you”.
Don’t give audience to her drama.
But yeah…
“Stop playing stupid, even if you are really good at it.”
I don’t have guilt because I recognize a physical difference when my NC mom is out of my life. I feel lighter, less stressed. So I choose me and my happiness and peace.
You’ve done everything. It’s time for a long break. Your husband just needs to be blunt with her. He needs to say that he and his family are taking a 3 month break from all communication with her because she won’t respect boundaries and it’s easier to not have to deal with her. After 3 months, he’ll try again to see if she can learn to respect boundaries. I would also give her some homework with a couple of books to read. Set boundaries, Find Peace might be a good one for her, but ask the therapist.
My mil was abandoned by her father after her mother died in childbirth, raised by relatives who sent her off to other relatives at age 5, then reluctantly accepted her back, but constantly threatened, “If you don’t _________, we’re sending you to your father.”
This, among other things, resulted in a highly anxious, controlling, constantly negative, entitled, guilt-peddling, mean, passive aggressive, but otherwise intelligent woman – much like your MIL.
My MIL’s childhood absolutely sucked and she has a diagnosed anxiety disorder. Does this mean I am to give her free reign into my life to make me miserable because there is a good reason why she is the way she is? The answer is a resounding NO. If I do, then I’m letting the abuse or unhealthy coping mechanisms or whatever you want to call it perpetuate. If I do let her into my life to make me miserable, I become part of the problem.
OP, please don’t let her history/anxiety disorder affect your ability to build a healthy happy life for yourself and your household.
Like your MIL, my MIL could have gotten help. She could have had her anxiety treated (mine worked in mental health care and was a nurse FFS). She could have gotten therapy to work through her childhood issues, but she choose otherwise.
Remember that your life, your mental health, your household, your marriage is your responsibility…
…if look at it your situation from that lens, maybe you will be able to let go of the guilt for going LC. After all, you have not done anything wrong. You tried. She failed. It is time to move on.
Good luck!
Idk if this helps but despite knowing my MIL’s traumas, I don’t see that as my/our issue to constantly tiptoe around if she’s not willing to acknowledge or work on them. That said, mine sounds slightly more malicious than yours and after intentionally lying to both me and my husband and trying to make decisions about our child behind our backs then trying to steal a major first with my oldest it was finally the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’ve been able to tolerate keeping her in our lives by going LC because I don’t get as worked up seeing her every month or so and having to correct the same things every time compared to when we used to see her every other week plus the anxiety spiral I would have before she babysat. I feel no guilt about her being excluded when she doesn’t seem to feel any guilt about not respecting me or my husband as adults and the parents to our children. Now I just aim to be neutral/polite and she told DH she thinks I hate her yet she’s never once tried to talk to me about why she thinks that or any of the past issues.
Your son is not going to suffer from being cut off from someone who is toxic. Your son deserves a peaceful life.
I bet she knows what she’s doing. My mother isn’t a great person and does all that stuff, plus more and she knows exactly what she’s doing. I wish I had gone no contact years ago, because my kids have learned and copied these manipulative, boundary stomping behaviors from my mother and now I’ve been in ten years of therapy with a 12 year old kid to try to get him to unlearn this stuff without much luck