Rant. MIL lives decently far away so when she comes to visit, it’s typically for several days at a time. While she is here she is so deeply unhelpful and awkward. She won’t pick up the baby or really even interact with them unless she is specifically asked to. She will feed the baby when asked, but that’s it. Maybe put a binky back in their mouth. She acts like she has never held a baby before in her life and I’m constantly worried she is going to drop them because she is so awkward and unconfident about it. Truly not sure how she kept her own two children alive. She just sits on the couch and reads the paper literally all day. When baby cries or fusses, she often will just put her paper down and “look” but doesn’t take action, so I get up and do it myself.
Of course, I am HAPPY to do all of these things but there is an expectation that MIL is there to help, no? Am I overreacting? Father in law is SO helpful, takes initiative, plays with and cares for baby, is helpful around the house, will plan a dinner or go pick up food etc. etc. generally great to have around and you can tell really loves baby. MIL just sits like a bump on a log and takes up space and pisses me the hell off. It gets to a point where I can barely make eye contact. I’m sure she can feel it. And I can tell she doesn’t really like me. Currently baby is at daycare and we have been sitting in absolute silence for 2 hours. Icing on the cake is she loves to bring up how from the moment we announced we were pregnant she was scared I would lose the baby so didn’t get excited. Like that’s her main narrative about the welcoming of her first grandchild. 1. who says that out loud?! That’s something you keep to yourself. 2. Yeah we could tell you weren’t excited, you did a terrible job hiding that. GAH
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She didn’t get excited at first, and then forgot to get excited later. Common mistake, really. She just forgot to hit the switch labeled “excitement.” Silly her.
You asked how she kept the babies alive… and then point out how FIL does everything. There’s your answer. She did the absolute bare minimum to keep them alive when FIL wasn’t around or had help.
You need to adjust your expectations and then behavior accordingly. She is not acting like a grandma so don’t treat her like one. You’re putting far too many expectations and getting disappointed that she’s not behaving as you’d expect a grandma to behave. So stop. She’s acting like some distant acquaintance, so treat her as such. Don’t even bother to interact with her when your partner is not around, engage with FIL more. If she complains? You’re busy with the care taking of the baby, it’s not your job to entertain her.
She’s not visiting to help, she’s visiting to be seen helping. Bare minimum effort, max passive-aggressive energy. Classic MIL move.
Honestly, you’re not overreacting. You’re underreacting. She sounds like human beige.
Your MIL sounds like a passive-aggressive, unhelpful presence. It’s reasonable to expect some support when visiting, especially with a new baby. Your FIL seems like a great contrast, taking initiative and being genuinely helpful. Don’t feel obligated to interact with MIL if she’s draining your energy. Silence might be the best response.
Wonder how involved she was in raising her own kids. Did FIL do all the heavy lifting?
Think of her as a person instead of a role. Reset your expectations to who she is. She’s not your idea of a grandmother, she probably never will be. That’s fine as long as she’s not pretending to be otherwise with other people.
Some women are pressured into having kids because everyone tells them all women should want them. It’s possible she never really liked being a mom and doesn’t want to do the things you think a grandmother should do. Clearly your FIL actually wanted to be a father and loves being a grandfather.
The fact that she doesn’t talk to anyone is pretty rude, your partner might want to address that with her. Or you could just accept she doesn’t want to talk and be okay with the silence. Go do whatever you would do at home as if she wasn’t there.
Your partner can address their hurt feelings with her, but you need to stay out of that interaction.
I would start addressing it straight up, “MIL are you not comfortable holding my baby?” “You keep bringing that up – are you still not excited about your grandchild?” “Do you not like kids?” “Do you like helping out or do you prefer to just relax?” Maybe it will get her to think about her actions, and if anything will give you the answers you need to move past her strange behavior.
My dad told everyone for ages when she was born that he wouldn’t get attached to my brother’s first child because the mother was likely going to disappear with her. Well, the mother did disappear, but my ex and I adopted the baby. He never did warm up to her. And then my brother’s second child died in infancy. Weirdly, he’s super attached to my brother’s other three kids, but ignores my two completely. *sigh*
I have a friend whose mom was the same way with her grandkids. Grandma said she didn’t feel comfortable around babies. Then she didn’t like the noise and craziness of toddlers. She got a little better when they got older, but she’s never been a warm and fuzzy grandma. It’s disappointing but now you know what to expect from her.
Nope, not overreacting. She’s a professional spectator, not a grandma.
If FIL’s the MVP, she’s just the benchwarmer collecting dust.
Honestly, she sounds like she’s just there to remind you how little she cares. You’re right to side-eye the whole performance.
There are some grandparents who are disinterested in their grandchildren because they raised kids once and they have no desire to worry about children ever again. My aunt and Uncle were
Like this with my cousins’ children. Had no desire to build a relationship with the grandkids in any way. Said they’d had enough of children by raising their own.
And then there are the ones who want to repeat the parental experience
With their grandchildren while ignoring the actual parents (these are the ones we most often see in this sub).
She may warm up when the kids are older but by then the kids are going to be like, who the hell are YOU? And it will be too late. Sorry OP.
“Well, baby’s here now. Safe and sound. Feel free to get excited!”
This sounds like my MIL. It’s pretty infuriating. She’ll make the most token offers to help but gets miffed if you give her a task. She expects to be waited on and entertained and for me to cater to her many food preferences when she lives near us part time and is here all the time—aka, she is not a guest. She invites herself over for meals and such. But then I compare it to my own mom, who does not live nearby. When she visits, she is so overzealous in her need to be “helpful,” that she has done stuff we’ve repeatedly asked, begged, and eventually harshly told her not to do when she visits. I still can’t get over the sheer chutzpah it takes to think you know better than the people who live there and go against explicit and direct instructions. Then she pulls the whole butthurt martyr act of, “I was only trying to help. You’re not grateful!” I’m honestly not sure which is better. Personally, I think both of these extremes are rude as fuck, and the end result has been that we dread their visits. But I think you’re probably better off with her not lifting a finger, because if she did, you know she’d be creating more work for you to have to clean up/deal with after her.