Hi everybody,
This is a vulnerable and sensitive matter for me, so please reserve the right to comment if you don’t have anything constructive to say.
I (F26) have been with my husband (M31) for 3 years now, seven months ago he trusted me that he’s into scat (paraphilia involving sexual arousal and pleasure from feces.) he show himself very vulnerable when confessing it to me as it hasn’t been an easy journey for him to accept it. I showed compassion and support, and felt very grateful that he shared it with me. Still, I would’ve liked to know more about it, but I didn’t want to make him feel overwhelmed or overly questioned. He said he generally watches it 3-4 times per month. Is that too much? A year ago I found out that he also watches softcore shorts on youtube especially women in yoga pants showing off their fit butt, we used to be in a LDR and when I was away his consume was more than nowadays that we’re living together, there are days when he doesn’t watch any at all and when he does is two or three shorts maximum a couple times per week.
My partner isn’t somebody that I would call a warm or expressive person, he tends to demonstrate his love through actions, in the contrary I am all for gazing and physical touch so is something that I’ve been working a lot to accept, especially in the beginning of our relationship, when I used to get a deep (I could even say out of proportion) sadness anger feeling if I felt neglected, rejected.
I had a difficult infancy, so it may very likely that this behavior is somehow related to it. Trying to remind myself that my perception is not necessarily the reality has helped me a lot with/through it but I must admit that I still find myself sometimes desiring badly that he could complement my look, that he gazed at me more often with love…with desire. I have very vivid memories of the couple of times he has done it.
Having said that, I want to tell you an event that was very hurtful for me and that I still cannot let go. About seven months ago my partner and I were having a vacation trip in Italy, I was having the time of my life, one day we decided to get dinner, beautiful place the most delicious pizza you can think about. only both of us shared the table. I remember talking to him about the owner and the gallery where I used to work. I noticed he was distracted, he even looked kinda bored I must say, still I was having such a good time that I didn’t take it personally. When we went out, he told me very out of shame and in a hilarious tone that he had to make SUCH A BIG EFFORT during the whole one-hour dinner to not stare at the cleavage of the woman that was seated in front of him, that they even made eye contact but that he really was making his best to avoid it because it wasn’t nice to do that when he spends time with me. At first, I actually didn’t take it that seriously. I even replied to him back in a hilarious tone too, but as the evening kept going, I started to think deeper on it and realized that it hurt me very deeply. Since then every time I notice an attractive woman around wearing a sexy outfit or yoga pants, it’s like this memory is automatically coming back to my mind paired with the softcore fact that I talked to you about before he’s constantly looking softcore on social media and I can’t help to turn to him just to check if he’s staring, I hate doing this, and I hate it more when he does stare, it triggers something very deep on me. Before this event, I never felt jealous in my relationship, or threatened by attractive women in the street, didn’t really care about his youtube yoga ladies, or his philia.
In February we went to the beach, of course there were many attractive women in bikinis, it made me feel threatened and alert checking on him. (God I feel such a cringe to myself when I say this).
First day we were there I noticed him staring a couple of times, he also noticed me once noticing him but I let it go and tried my best to not get affected by it, the second day he did it again I couldn’t help it any longer, he noticed that I was very pissed at him, I didn’t want to talk to him in that moment about the reason, but he kept asking very uncalmly and frustrated. I felt sort of forced to tell him, even though I didn’t feel prepared to talk about it yet, especially because we were both very agitated and driven by our own emotions. I said something like: We’re with my brother and friend having a conversation while you’re staring at others, if you really want to do that so badly then don’t be in a relationship. he said Whaaat?? put his hands one on each side of his face and said, do you want me to go like this in the street now or what?! this sort of behavior is why I start to feel controlled in relationships, what are you talking about? you’re like the cliché girlfriend getting jealous because of that, is our relationship really gonna end up because of this??!!! you’re being biased. I tend to look at my surroundings (that’s true, he does) but you only care if it’s a woman that in your criteria is attractive, you don’t care if I stare at an old man for example. then he got a bit more calmed and said: look there’s people that dress in a way that stands out, including women, and okay maybe I pay more attention to it than others, maybe I have more testosterone or idk but I have no intention to talk, or go out with them okay? I love you, we’re here in Mexico with your family, visiting your friend in Playa del Carmen (he’s German) I don’t know what else to do for you to see it.
My brother and friend were waiting for us, so it felt like we were more or less in a hurry to calm down so we did, sort of reconciled and didn’t bring it back again, I was willing to let it go but I’m noticing that this topic is becoming a reason for me to feel bad about myself and at times in the relationship.
Last Sunday, when he was checking his IG account while we were on our way to somewhere, suddenly five different recommended reels appeared on his feed, three of them were somehow suggestive, one of those was a woman hiding into the bushes to poop/pee, he tried to mock me saying that it was a movie clip and then turned off his phone and drew the attention towards me, saying: Oh why? why don’t we check your algorithm huh?. I couldn’t help the urge to enter his phone to check out his actual explore page, when I finally found a chance to, the next day, I realized that it was FULL OF IT, not only ladies in yoga pants and tiny outfits but softcore related to his philia. Man… I got so pissed by it, I got very distant with him afterwards but I cannot be forever. I’m aware that this is also a passive aggressive attitude from me towards him, I’m just having a really hard time figuring it out. I’m really trying to understand it in depth not just what I’m feeling, but what’s behind that, and the topics around it, like monogamous relationships, porn, the Coolidge effect in LTR couples boundaries. I want to make it fair for both of us. I think there’s a whole debate around the porn industry, my current situation has made me research more about it and try to understand it from different angles. its neutral morality, the fact that nowadays it is accepted in most relationships especially monogamous in their late 20’s early 30’s, psychologists saying that it’s part of a person’s individual sexuality, or others claiming that it can even be healthy (sometimes) especially for LT monogamous relationships like mine, it’s making me ask myself how should I address it with him? should I even address it? I don’t want him to feel like I’m controlling him, that he lacks freedom in this relationship. I think it could even make it counterproductive making it even more tempting to him.
Am I totally going out of proportion on this? I really don’t want to be irrational, But is it nothing? Like on the surface maybe it’s nothing but is it truly nothing?
I can’t get over the fact that it wasn’t just a quick look into the cleavage of the woman in Italy but instead a conscious and constant effort during a whole hour dinner with me, and also not to associate it as a consequence of his porn and social media softcore consumption. It’s even giving me a bit of cringe the idea of intimating with him at the moment.
I’m starting to find it hard not to compare myself with those women, Thinking about it makes me feel insecure and like I’m not good enough for him. It makes me wonder why he feels the temptation of watching these shorts while he’s with me and makes me wonder if he’s just settling because of his own insecurities…Im I like a consolation price or something? Will eventually become unsatisfied with me? Especially if we see ourselves for long term together, I will not be young forever and my body will change too. Will he prefer the bodies of the girls he’s constantly looking at? I understand finding other people attractive and I think it’s very natural, I just don’t understand needing to feed into the attraction you have by looking at these contents on a regular basis even when it’s in small doses.
I see that he genuinely cares for me, he supports me a lot, and he tries his best to make me happy. but when this issue came up, it was mostly brushed off. I felt like he was so busy protecting his autonomy that he was unable to validate and try to understand my feelings. His reaction and what he said made me interpret it as if as long as he doesn’t interact with those women, I shouldn’t have a reason to be hurt about it giving me a hard time to validate and understand my feelings, confused on how to open up a conversation with him about it, and unmotivated to do so….
Thanks to the ones who read me until the very end. 🙏
tldr: my boyfriends ig habits make me insecure and I don’t know how to address it