TW: Depression/Self harm
I’ll make this short. I’m 14F, and I have clinical depression. It started with some stupid friend-breakup, but spiralled. I don’t care about the friends anymore but it’s far beyond that now. Evert night I cry, usually to OK Computer, then I feel very guilty afterwards for not faving a “good reason” to cry.
I have a hard time seeking help verbally, and though I am seeing a therapist once a week I have trouble with sharing with my friends from school/bandmates. I thought if people SAW I was struggling they’d finally get it and I tried to cut myself one night, basically just in order to put visible scars on my body. I didn’t want to do it otherwise but once I did I realised how good it felt.
That was 3 weeks ago, but it feels like 3 months because I do it almost every night now, it’s a routine. I have changed my reasonings, I don’t want people to see it anymore but it feels like releasing the steam from a whistling teapot. I tell myself I can stop whenever I want to but I know deep down that’s not true. I’m addicted and I want to stop. Please give me tips.
It’s completely destroyed me mentally. I’m not suicidal in the sense that I want to k*ll myself but when I think about it, if some external factor killed me I would not be upset at all. Quite the contrary, actually.
Comments
You’re drowning in silence and it’s killing you slowly. Spill everything to your therapist or this storm will never pass.
Ok, here’s the best piece of advice I can give you. It stops feeling good. The high or whatever feeling you get after, it goes away and it fucking sucks. But at that point you’re so ingrained in trying to get the feeling, you keep going. That’s why it’s an addiction. But sometimes when someone loses the high, they’re more inclined to want to stop.
I’m still struggling, have been for about 7 years. Usually, snapping a rubber band helps. I really don’t recommend this but sometimes I also scratch my arm if I feel an urge to cut, mainly because it causes my arm to just get itchy. But it’s usually better than cutting, as long as you aren’t scratching too much.
My point is that it’s not going to last. I know it’s way easier said than done to quit, especially cold-turkey. Use the rubber band thing. Whenever you wanna cut, snap it against your arm, not super hard, just enough to feel it. Not the best method but it reduces the harm level.