A few months ago my partner died by suicide. A friend of hers reached out and we have had some contact since. She has been admitted to the hospital and they found out she has a type of cancer that is non-treatable. I have visited and called with her a few times, but I don’t really know what to say. I try my best tho to just be a listening ear for her. The thing that is making it more difficult is that I have been feeling pretty suicidal since the death of my partner. I would trade places with her if I can, but I know it isn’t possible and I’m trying to hold on here and get better. But I feel it’s making me react pessimistically. I don’t want to say anything hurtful and I want to help. Does anybody have some advice or experience?
Someone I know will be dying soon. How do I help them best?
r/Advice
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You could really use some therapy.
This burden is possibly too heavy for you right now and you need support for what you’re going through.
Ask her if there is anything she wants to talk about. Is there a particular way she wants to be remembered? Is there something she would enjoy knowing you did in her memory?
Don’t infantilize her by keeping things from her, and don’t treat the death like an elephant in the room. Terminally ill people hate those things.
I’m so sorry for all this terrible things happening around you. I can’t say that I have had any experiences with situations like this, but the best I can tell you right now is that in regards to your sick friend, she must be having a tough time coming to terms with her condition, and you spending time with her and showing her that you care, must mean the world to her right now. I don’t think that she expects you to do or say something specific, just being there for her and making her feel like she at least can have some semblance of a normal life by being with you must be a huge help. So keep it up, and just try to enjoy your moments as best as you can.
And in regards to how you feel, please, if you are having feelings of self-harm, I encourage you to reach out and seek help with family, friends, and even with help centers that deal with this kind of problems. I don’t know much about you, but I’m sure that your life matters too, and despite how dark things can look sometimes, there’s always a bright side to look forward to. I might be saying the most textbook basic thing, but it doesn’t make it less true. So please, don’t close yourself on your thoughts and keep reaching out. I promise you that it can and will get better.
Just be there for her. Listen, tell her about your day, be silent with her. Just being present means more than you know. Far too many people avoid the one dying because they don’t know what to say, further isolating them. If the timing seems right, ask her what she would like you to do.
Sorry for your loss. I read you’re concerned you’re not the right person to comfort your partners friend in her last time. I understand your sorrow and your need to not being here anymore. But maybe comforting her may be an important step in your own healing. I would say that you’re doing precisely the most important by listening. Be there and listen, hold her hand. Just be there. You don¨t need to talk. Maybe tell her about your feelings. She is also in sorrow about your partners suicide and she knows you¨re in sorrow too.
There isn’t a lot you can do for terminally ill patients, the most you can do is visit her regularly and talk with her and make sure she isn’t alone and has someone to talk you, and maybe you can talk to her about how you’re feeling as well, since you were dating her friend I’m sure she’d understand, right now I honestly believe that you both should be each other’s support system, but apart from that you should also seek professional help for yourself, losing some is a heavy thing and it’s alright to want to lash out at the world.
Try to make the conversation with her as normal as possible, talk about her or you day, tell her things you and your gf used to do, and just in general try to keep the tension away.
Don’t know your pronouns, but be a MAN. Endure your pain, ease that of others.
If you’re a chick, then be a man, anyhow.
Be strong by….i don’t know….Am jealous of the dying…
Definitely call the Suicide hotline for you. Google how to help the dying. I’m sure there’s tons of resources online.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Just being there and listening is already so meaningful — you don’t need perfect words. Please don’t forget to care for yourself too. You matter, and you’re not alone.
It’s admirable you want to be there for this person, but doing it at the expense of your own mental health is risky and dangerous for your safety and well being. Do you have anyone else that you could involve or talk to about this situation like a therapist or counselor you see even?
Do not continue to do so if you feel you’re slipping or it’s jeopardizing your mental health in ANY way. I get the circumstances, but if it’s a trigger at the very least you need to proceed with caution and probably taking to a therapist or counselor would be helpful and allow you supervision especially if you clue them into your situation.
And if you really want to know what would be most helpful, maybe simply asking them and even confiding in this being a trigger for you being suicidal and you feel like it might be contributing to you slipping, processing and verbalizing it to someone who might understand could help and be beneficial. You know the situation and context, I don’t so that’s a call only you can make.
However, you cannot help someone if you have nothing to give being triggered so take care of yourself and your mental health first and me mindful of your feelings and any changes or shifts in your mood or emotions.
When in doubt, you need to immediately stop doing this and take a pause and take a breath. Explaining it even if only vague, but to where your point comes across and is made to this person that might be enough for them to understand the limited contact or you could always make up something which isn’t bad because of the situation and what this person is going through it’s understandable that you wouldn’t and why you wouldn’t confide some or all of this to them.
Maybe ask them what they need if you want to be helpful, that might could shift the topic to something that’s not triggering? And at the very least I would start by limiting contact at least when you feel iffy about your own situation, or make an effort to leave and set boundaries if you feel a shift in yourself while in their presence or company.
Just be there. Call her regularly and/or visit her even if it is just to small talk. It is more common than you think that people distance themselves from someone who is dealing with a serious disease. It is because they don’t know what to say. But this leaves the person dealing with the illness feeling isolated and deserted.
So being in contact and just talking about everything and nothing, it doesn’t have to be meaningful conversations about the disease or life or death or something like that. Offer help by saying that you are only one phone call away if she ever needs anything.