I’m 30 now, so I know it’s stupid to still be affected by things that happened half my life ago, but I just haven’t been able to shake it no matter how much therapy I’ve gone to or how much work I’ve done on myself.
I was at a youth group thingy where everyone was sharing stories. I noticed a lack of engagement from the other people. simply dismissing the previous person’s story in eagerness to tell their own, so I’d do my best to chime in with something like “wow, that sounds like a lot of fun!” or “Dang, I’m sorry that happened to you!” or just ask a question about it, and everyone else would get mad because they wanted to share their stories ASAP.
The youth group leader looked dead at me and said “you just always have something to say about everything, don’t you? Can’t mind your own business?” and then proceeded to cut the sharing circle short and take everyone upstairs for a movie night. He asked what everyone wanted to watch, everyone gave their answer, I held my hand up and he just shook his head at me and moved on.
I don’t know why it was so devastating to me, but even now I still think about it. I still try to engage with other people when they tell me things, and for the most part nobody has an issue with it. I tend to be the “funny” one in my groups, despite being shy and silent, but I have a constant fear of oversharing or taking up too much space. I apologize when I talk for more than 30 seconds or so, I just assume I’m rambling incoherently and nobody wants to hear it. I let people cut me off and talk over me, because at least people don’t find me bothersome.
Like I said, I’ve sought therapy, anxiety meds, antidepressants, and none of it can alleviate this. All I can do is vent about it because I know I’m going to feel this way for the rest of my life. It feels awful but at least I’m not bothering anyone or taking up space where other people with more important things to say could be talking.
Comments
Your worry about taking up too much space shows you’re a thoughtful person. You care about others and don’t want to be a bother. That’s a good quality, but don’t let it hold you back too much. Those old criticisms still stinging because you really want to connect with people. Getting shot down when you tried to reach out hurt. That’s natural. We all want to be understood and accepted. You’re considerate and caring. That’s rare these days
Are you female, and was the group leader male? Women and girls are often told they’re talking too much when they’re actually talking less than the men in the room.
I’m not invalidating you if that’s not the case. Assholes come in all genders, as do their victims.
You have natural Active Listening skills, and nobody else in the group could match it. You showed a level of empathy and emotional intelligence that the group leader was supposed to be trained to have, and they failed miserably.
Those you interacted with most likely felt heard and validated. You may have changed someone’s self-perception for the better that day.
this one hit close to home, i always feel like i’m taking up too much space and talking too much and i end up being too permissive and going along with anything others want and then people don’t like that about me. but reading your story what i felt really was your intention to be considerate and acknowledge other people. it sucks to be in this position but also being someone who does really care how your words and actions affect other people is not a negative quality either
> taking up too much space
that line reminds me of Kingpin in the Daredevil series. He declares he will take up space because it is his right, and implores his wife, iirc, to do the same.
Not bad advice from a fantasy Marvel villain.
In my experience, youth leaders/youth pastors have always been jealous losers who don’t have their own lives.
Keep on talking, it’s important to have people like you because you make others feel heard.
I all honesty, what that group leader said came across to me as more competitive than it was an honest assessment of anything. It was a put down — you were making him look worse and not a very good group leader.
I think that’s all it is, a comment from an insecure AH that in a way has complimented you in a backhanded way. 😉
To me it sounds like the youth leader maybe felt upset that they couldn’t get people as engaged (which is essentially their job) and took it out on you. I know it’s hard, but try to not let this hold you back. You sound like a caring, warm and friendly individual.
If you have ADHD it’s rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) that’s the cause.
It means so much to me when I’m in a group and someone starts talking over me and someone else still shows they’re listening and engages in the way you did in your story. The youth leader was an asshat, and you sound like a thoughtful lovely person. I hope you find a way to find some peace and allow yourself to be.
Accept yourself for being a whole person. We are lovable despite our flaws. Theres a nuanced and personal space where you figure out how to mature and grow out of some generally undesirable or annoying behaviors. We all have them. Its basically understanding when to speak and when to listen. I believe two things are true at once, that person was clearly being a jerk and projected their personal issues onto you, and on the other hand if you are receiving the same feedback repeatedly regardless of how its delivered may be a sign you are behaving in an offputting way. I accept that i have annoying traits, a bit adhd. Like people with adhd commonly have a problem with listening and interrupting. They say they have to or else they will forget but i dont think the other person in the conversation should have to deal with that bc its super irritating if one is not self correcting and apologizing bc it just happens, but people who dont check themselves for social errors in conversation are pretty unpleasant and tiring to be around. Just take it on the chin and actually pay attention to see if you are always responding to everything even if u dont have to. Or maybe that person was wrong and just irritated by your liveliness, ive seen this a lot so dont take it personally. No one is better or worse than you, whatever people say or feel is always about themselves. Remind yourself of that often. You dont need to worry about how people receive you, always be authentic so you dont hide from the people who get you. I hope u see that becoming a hermit to remedy how you feel about one persons comment is not a good remedy. You can self reflect and take feedback like that without punishing yourself and going to the extreme. Laughing about the things im sensitive about helps a lot. And remembering that EVERYONE experiences the same thing, no matter what front they put up so why care at all what anyone has to say about you
The literal point of people sharing stories is to mind other people’s business, that comment made no sense and I’m sorry it messed with your mind. It sounds like you’re the person leaders should be. Keep being yourself, even if some people won’t appreciate that.
I bet it wasn’t about you. Sounds like the group leader was poorly trained and socially unskilled. You instinctively tried to make the circle more interactive and inclusive. The group leader was threatened by this. They tried to make you smaller to reduce your threat level.
None of this was ever about you. Maybe that’s why working on yourself has not fixed it.
Perhaps the trapped feelings will get released if you just feel into the youth leader’s feeling of not being enough and forgive them. Meditate on it for a few minutes or so.
Thank them for giving you a really deep question about yourself and let them know you have decided you like the way you relate to others.
When I was 15, my favorite uncle told me I’d never have what it takes to be a varsity athlete. He said it in front of family, including teenage girl cousins and my sister. It was very hurtful.
Have you tried EMDR therapy? I have found it extremely helpful for memories such as this, that might not seem ‘traumatic’, but do keep a grip on your life. It has helped me to take the weight of it.
If you don’t have access to this, there is an other exercise you can do by yourself. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and go back to that memory. Then imagine your adult self in the room with you. Imagine your adult self standing up for that lovely 15 year old girl and supporting her. Tell your younger self what that youth leader should have told you. Something like “I’m glad you are listening to other people stories. I love that you take the time and energy to really hear what other people have to say.” Or even: “you are doing really well to make people feel heard, but you are allowed to tell your story as well. Your tun now!”
Maybe it helps, good luck OP!
I had multiple moments as a child and young teen when adults I really liked– favorite teachers, family, etc. revealed, (sometimes intentionally, sometimes I just overheard), that they actually didn’t like me much at all.
I’m in my 50’s, and I’m pretty sure I can recount, in chronological order, a majority of insults and disparaging remarks from my early years.
I became very defensive and angry, sharp and mean spirited. cutting and sarcastic, and I cultivated a personality that kept people just at arms length while still being socially acceptable, but quick to responded to slight, real or imagined. I eventually had lots of casual friends and was popular, to a degree, and fun. but I needed people to know that deep down I was the coldest son of a bitch they’d ever meet.
It ruined my life.
Doing this to a teenager is just cruel. What an asshole. Even if he found it annoying he doesnt have to put you down for it.
A little trick that might help you here is something I internalized after years of being bullied in primary school. If I wouldnt at least call a person a buddy of mine I dont care what opinion they have about me. They are nobodies in my life and the impact of their thought about me is zero. If you internalize this, you can let every insult bounce of easily. It also helps because you are more aware of who the actually important people in your life are. Because their criticism comes from genuine feelings about you. If you succeed in applying this thought pattern to that guy, his words will become nothing more than the insult of an asshole stranger without any relevance.
Oh wow I feel exactly like this. I was told to shut up a lot as a child. I think this post shows how considerate of a person you are- make that into one of your strengths. The world needs more people like you, and less like that shitty youth group leader.
You do deserve to speak. You deserve to be heard. And I am grateful that you shared this.
Hot take: True. I see what you’re saying, but I can also see what they are saying. It was worded poorly. It’s just a balance. You just have to catch the vibe when people want to move on. I don’t think being conscious about it is a bad thing. You end up annoying people a lot less. I’m also conscious about and apologize frequently. Just because there’s been times where I would get annoyed with others for over speaking especially during a meeting or lecture. I don’t want to hold anyone hostage
You are obviously an amazing person. People will do stupid things, say stupid things, but that says more about them than it does us. (Ngl, I suck at this reassurance stuff, but I’m trying). I’ma just say to keep being you and talk talk talk. There will always be someone who wants to listen, even when one person doesn’t.
Unlikely to get a response, but find him and write to him about this, then tell him he can fix this by paying for your therapy sessions, and he can do his part to help you connect with others. Else he will be infamous on the Internet for intentionally harming a teenager.
You did the right thing, you did what everyone else should have been doing: holding space for the person that was talking, showing that their voice matters, by actively listening and engaging in what they have to say. I am sure that it meant a lot to the people you did that for and they would have really appreciated it. This story only shows what an incredibly kind and strong soul you are. I’m sorry people made you feel otherwise. The fault only lies in those who were not actively participating and an incredibly poor youth group leader.
I still remember times people stuck up for me, it was a moment in time, but it helped me not feel invisible. They continue to inspire me to do the same for others. What you did that day, might seem small, but it likely had a ripple effect of good. You should be really proud of yourself. Don’t change a single bit, keep making space for others and make sure to do the same for yourself. Your voice matters too.
My short take is that as a child, you were missing the larger picture of what was going on. Youth Group Leader had an agenda which was to keep kids engaged and focused on the right activity. Your good intentions were actually disrupting his plan. He coulda steered your behaviour differently (“good questions X, but unfortunately we don’t have time for questions!”), but instead was immature himself and got frustrated. It wasn’t about you, it was about the situation and about what was going on with him at the time.
That was one crappy youth group leader. What you were doing is called active listening.