When I was 21, I lost my virginity to a prostitute. I’ve always struggled with self-esteem, especially with women, and at the time I just didn’t want to be a virgin anymore. Out of desperation, I did something drastic and paid for the experience.
Now I’m 33, and it still feels like a secret that hangs over me. I don’t think I could ever tell a partner without them judging me, and avoiding the subject has already hurt one relationship.
I regret the decision, but more than that I regret letting my insecurities push me into it. I feel like it’s going to affect every relationship I have from here on out.
For anyone reading this — how do I move forward? How do I stop letting one decision from my past define me, even after all these years?
Comments
Get more prostitutes, or quit beating yourself up about it. Anyone that allows this truth affect a relationship isn’t worth keeping around anyhow.
Hey, I’m very sorry you feel this way as it’s something irreversible now. As to why you did it, you’re aware of your reasons and I think that’s already good to move on.
I can see why this is weighing you down and that you want it off of your chest. It isn’t something that is going to happen overnight, it takes progress so don’t force yourself to do throw off the weight all at once.
I wouldn’t call what you did drastic, it’s something you actively wanted to change in your life because of, as you put it, insecurities. In that moment it made you feel better about yourself so I wouldn’t exactly call it drastic. A prostitute is basically meant for this. I’m not saying you should look back at the whole experience with warm feelings, I’m just pointing something out.
I personally feel like it shouldn’t affect any relationship especially after mentioning as to how you’ve lost your virginity. It isn’t something you can change now anyway, so if your partner is really bothered by it I wouldn’t understand why. It isn’t like you wanted to lose it to a prostitute anyway.
Unfortunately I can’t tell you how to move forward, but I can tell it’s something that really clings onto you. Maybe try seeking help to make the progress I’ve mentioned earlier. Slowly accepting what happened, etc. Or whenever you are in a relationship, talk openly about it when it comes up. State your reasons as to why you’ve made the decision. I’m sure your partner should find the understanding.
Bro many of us have done the same stop thinking that defines who you are as a person. Give yourself a break and stop stressing about it. It’s not even a huge deal. Sure you don’t just come out and tell someone you just started dating and you honestly don’t have to tell anyone as you weren’t with them when you did it. We’ve all made mistakes and have regrets but don’t let that get you down and destroy you. Heck I’ve been with a few of them in my lifetime and I don’t dwell on it. It was an experience and it’s in the past. Move on brother!
I am not a male-however, I am almost positive you are not alone in the “I lost my virginity to a prostitute” experience.
As a species, we all do shit we regret. It’s the past. The purpose of a relationship is Building A Future. If you keep dwelling on the past, you are going to have a very tough life. Honestly, I paid $2usd for a blow one time because I was bored. I paid $4 more for my buddies that were there. It’s not a proud moment, but I can laugh about it. My girl of +10yrs will make jokes every once in a while while we are in awkward public settings. It’s actually pretty hilarious. Whatever, that was me then. This is me now. You’re good, don’t let it define you.
This should not be a deal breaker for anyone let alone your own self, geesh give yourself some Grace. You’re grown now & so what if that was your first experience , it worked I suppose, launched you into adulthood willing & able to have intimate relationships so just simply stop beating yourself up over it & accept it as a learning experience . Which quite frankly , it was. If it’s the worst thing you.‘be ever done than you’re gonna be ok. Let this go ! ✌🏼
At 18 I was in the Marines and sent to a country where prostitution was legal and had regulations.
In the bars, the ‘entertainers’ had a higher social status than the bartender or even retail workers around town. It was like being in bizarro world to me.
Many service members (male and female) partook of the local entertainment. It was culturally acceptable.
In the place and time you grew up, there was a stigma. Other people’s morality is weighing on you for one decision. I hope you find someone (perhaps a doctor) to work through that with.
As to how to disclose, early on in a relationship I think its fair and honest to say something along the lines of, “I regret that my first time was with someone I wouldn’t choose today.” And as the relationship develops you chan choose whether you want to disclose more.
Also, I find it amusing and confusing the selectivity our culture chooses. We pay a for emotional intimacy and its cool. Even have higher degrees for those practitioners (psychiatrist, psychologist). But paying for physical intimacy is bad and the practitioners are bad. Silly.
If someone judges you for this then you’re better off without them
One choice at 21 doesn’t define the man you are at 33. The shame only owns you if you keep carrying it, real love will care more about who you’ve become than how you began.
This mistake is not a life sentence!
Try some forgiveness for yourself. You were young, the brain is not fully developed until around age 24. Cut yourself some slack. Forgive and accept and let it go. Don’t let it steal more of your life. Self love.
coming from a woman, if she loves you, she will understand. you were young and insecure and did something rash, your brain wasn’t even fully developed yet. it’s not as shameful as you’ve shoved down your own throat, everyone has things they’re ashamed of to different degrees but someone who really does love and care for you will understand and won’t really care all that much
There are situations from the past that I regret but I do not believe they have defined me as a person. Good luck
Repent and release the stronghold
I mean you’re correct in that most women would judge that
If my partner told me he did this, I would NOT be mortified. I’d understand the embarrassment BUT gosh, honestly it doesn’t seem to be something that would make me think less of you! Now, if you continued doing that on a regular basis, then that’s different. Most of us have done something we’d much rather not EVER speak of again lol. I think you are being way too hard on yourself. Give yourself a hug and know that you deserve to loved!!!
Give yourself a break. Every human has flaws and we should not punish ourselves for having them. What you did was your business and no one else’s. Allow yourself to accept what you did because there’s nothing wrong with it. Others can judge you for it unfairly but lucky for you, there is no reason to share that info with anyone. Your future self needs you to let go of this so you can move forward to a better you. The process takes time so hang in there.
The meaning of life is to enjoy the passing of time and not all secrets are meant to be shared. Listen to Alan watts and allow some calm to come into your existence.
Don’t let the past steal your future.
Nothing wrong with it. Prostitutes are people as well, not something to be ashamed forever, there’s a reason this profession exists and there is just a huge taboo around it for no reason. Chill. You’re carrying this huge emotional weight but you don’t have to, we all have done something that we regret so better just make peace with it. Therapy might help if this really bothers you
Once you tackle your insecurities, you will laugh about how you lost your virginity!
Many young men have gone this route. Even older virgins.
The friend I had that did this really changed his life around, somehow as I never come out and asked what the change was, and is now the most secure, happy dude I have ever met.
You will be ok