Something that happened to me in grade 6 changed me

I’m 18M now, just graduated from high school, but something that occurred when I was in grade 6 has haunted me since then.

A bit of background: I was always a social kid, had loads of friends, seniors and juniors knew me. But secretly, I was confused and interested in sex and intimacy from an early age. I didn’t know how to hit on girls at that point, so my first time was with a couple of guys I trusted.

It was like it started with discovery, just curiosity. But quickly, it went south. One of the guys ended up sharing it all with the class. He fingered me, spun the tale, and before I knew it, the entire class knew. I was afraid my parents would find out. Overnight, I became from normal to outcast. That year my grades fell apart. I was in knots, crying, and just waiting for the other shoe to fall.

By the time I was in 8th grade, I was hardcore into porn, depressed, and still trapped in bad situations where I didn’t know if I had any say. Even when a few of them reappeared in my life, I didn’t know if I was with them because I wanted to or because I was afraid that they would use something on me again.

Later on, I switched schools, reconstructed a different personality, and attempted to leave everything behind. But the fact remains that I am still broken on the inside. I find myself sometimes manipulating others, lying in order to cover for myself, seeking comfort yet afraid to open up to anyone about my vulnerable side.

Now 18, I’ve created a pretend me to get by. I want to exist, feel love, experience peace—but in here I’m waging war with the kid who was betrayed in grade 6.

I have no idea what this posting will accomplish. Maybe I just needed to finally say something.