I’ve learned in life, from my own experiences of expressing anger / standing up for yourself (no matter how justified), that it’s either self-destructive or completely useless…
If you explode: It will definitely backfire on you and make your general life worse. You will be demonized.
If you calmly/reasonably express it: It’s more likely than not to almost always fall on deaf ears. Most people are generally too stubborn or prideful to admit that they were wrong. And they generally don’t like to be told what to do.
Despite what the conventional wisdom has taught us, I believe that this is one of the biggest elephants in the room.
I do consider that there are situations or people who may be an exception, but that lies in the range of 1% to 10% of time.
For those who may struggle with this… What has helped me is to master the ability to “let go,” don’t punish yourself with your own anger, and focus on what you can practically do (that doesn’t involve assault).
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Depends on who’s opposing you
I’ve had similar experiences to be honest, you finally stick up for yourself and you’re just overreacting or you shouldn’t have said that. It can be a double edged sword sometimes I agree.
>If you calmly/reasonably express it: It’s more likely than not to almost always fall on deaf ears. Most people are generally too stubborn or prideful to admit that they were wrong. And they generally don’t like to be told what to do.
How is that backfiring or self destructive? You clearly state the issues you have, and if the person doesn’t accept it then you continue to stand up for yourself and remove yourself from the situation. Seems like a win/win.
Sadly I have to agree with you. Any attempts at preserving dignity, especially in an employment or formal setting, almost always are met with negative repercussions. People that vie middle management positions terrify me because they almost always make sure to put everyone in that position once they’ve been promoted.
Standing up for yourself has no agenda other than standing up for yourself. It’s not supposed to change things or make your life easier/better, it’s just standing your ground.
I don’t think I I can disagree more. Not only is this unpopular it’s completely wrong
Nah always stand up for yourself or you will be walked over especially in the US. You only back down if you’re wrong.
Well, standing up for yourself is mainly for yourself. Your own self satisfaction, putting someone in their place and letting them know you won’t take certain shit etc. It shouldn’t matter if others “demonize” you over it because you’re not doing it for their validation, but for yourself. IMO whether you’re the good guy or bad guy in others eyes for standing up for yourself should tell you something about the people you’re around and how they truly feel towards you. If they think you should just take BS from others, than they also have no respect for you and see you lower than you think.
What you’re describing is only part of what it means to stand up for yourself. You’re assuming that once you’ve said your piece, the other person is just expected to comply even if you don’t change anything.
You actually have to make changes to your behavior if you want to make an impact. Boundaries and consequences of the person doesn’t change.
And standing up for yourself is less about trying to change the behavior of others anyway, and more about having some pride and dignity for yourself. If the end result is cutting someone out of your life so that you can have the peace and self respect, so be it.
i’m still trying to figure out how to let go 🥲
>You will be demonized.
The aim was to end the behaviour of the person aggravating you, and that aim is achieved well. So it doesn’t really backfire, you’re simply trying to also get external approval, which you won’t get, not from people who allowed the treatment to occur at all.
Agreed.
People will use it as an excuse to fire back or even save it for later.
This only happens when you haven’t been standing up for yourself and you’ve been surrounded by people who aren’t used to it. Once you finally grow a backbone, the people who only liked you because you didn’t have one tend to fade away and honestly, that’s not a loss
This is why violence is actually the answer.
I see that you have taken the legal stance that it is both cool and legal to commit felonies upon my person. Well I’m adopting the exact same position so I hope you enjoy the natural consequences of your actions.
Expressing anger and standing up for yourself are two very different things. Anger, in the explosive sense, is a loss of control so naturally people will not react kindly to that if they don’t have to, because their first reaction is to put up a wall against your anger or to try to get away from you to protect themselves, rather than dealing with the actual reason you’re angry.
You can stand up for yourself in a firm and persistent way without getting angry while remaining controlled.
Standing up for yourself only does nothing if you’re not willing to set clear boundaries and cut people out. If I clearly explain that something someone is doing upsets or hurts me, and I give clear boundaries on that, the next time they violate those boundaries, I’d cut ties with them. Standing up for yourself sometimes means walking away and cutting ties. It’s not easy to change people, and it’s not always worth it.
(I also recognize this isn’t simple to do, especially if these issues are with coworkers or family you can’t just cut off, but you can do something to change the environment. You gotta, or they’re going to keep walking all over you.)
In that moment, on that issue, you may not win, but if you make a pattern of not standing up for yourself you will be taken advantage of. If you show you don’t take shit you won’t get shit on.
Context matters and so does picking your battles. Standing up for yourself also is more nuanced than simply yelling at people, it could be as simple as going to HR or leaving an abusive relationship.
You definitely have to pick your battles and beware of the delivery tone. But yeah. It’s awkward as f sometimes.
Some people confuse lashing out and standing up for themselves.