My wife and I (both 50) were married for 25 yrs. We raised two wonderful children who are both in college. Their college is paid for, their cars are paid for, and our house was almost paid for.
This March my wife told me she wanted a divorce. I struggled with it and asked her to reconsider, but she wouldn’t. We divorced through mediation and split amicably. While the process was in motion I reached out to a woman (50) that I have been friends with my entire life. We dated off and on throughout our years of school and even took family vacations with our families together over the last 15 years. She informed me that she and her husband were divorcing also. His lawyer served her papers one evening in front of her kids.
We started talking on the phone every evening and supporting one another. I have always loved her and cared for her deeply. After about a month of talking on the phone we decided to meet in a town half way between us so that we could see one another. To say the meeting went well would be a huge understatement. We both had been longing to be satisfied emotionally and physically! We definitely got that.
We have been on a couple of vacations together this summer and I now travel to see her every other weekend. Both of our spouses know about our relationship. I told my wife after our divorce was final. Her husband found out due to one of his acquaintances seeing us at a restaurant having dinner.
My wife wasn’t too happy when I told her, but we still get along ok, and just recently divided the last of our money in a joint account that we had been maintaining. I still love her and suspect she still loves me, but we are divorced. My girlfriend’s husband is very upset. He is being very hateful towards her and her children.
My girlfriend and I are planning to be together once everything has been settled on her side. It is obvious that we have a stronger connection to one another than we did with our spouses.
Are we the assholes for finding love after our spouses both served us with divorces ?
Comments
Why on Earth would you think that you were being an AH?
Definitely NTA
She is your EX wife. You’ve moved on and Bravo for you!
You didn’t cheat, you respected the divorce process, and you found someone who makes you happy. Life’s messy, and people will have feelings, but you didn’t do anything wrong by moving forward
NTA. Divorce sucks, but you’re allowed to move on. It’s not like you cheated.
Nope this is pretty normal behavior. You weren’t seeking others company until your relationship with your spouse was over.
You are so very lucky. Most divorces are emotionally difficult but you seem to have overcome that. Most divorced leave a spouse empty and depressed. You seem to have overcome that. Most divorced people battle loneliness and depression. You seem to have overcome that. All because you found love. You found companionship. You found someone. Be thankful, and grateful. This is far from being an AH.
Heyy you also deserve to be happy in your life, when happiness knocks you don’t shut it out!
If you’re happy with each other , then you should be together, YOLO✌️
100000000% Not the ah. You literally did nothing wrong. Enjoy your life!
I understand if your ex (or hers) is hurt that this has happened so quickly as that can definitely sting…but that doesn’t make you an arsehole at all.
You are divorced and she will be soon. You looked to a friend for support and fell in love. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.
NTA, but I would approach the rebound relationship cautiously.
I’m glad for you and your GF. I hope it works out for both of you
NTA. Sounds like they are both jealous that the two of you are happy without them.
NTA, not in the slightest. I’m happy for you both and hope her ex-gets his head out of his ass and stops causing problems. He started the divorce, so he needs to STFU immediately.
NTA. Her ex can die mad about it. You deserve to be happy. You’re 50, why wait? Date now
I think it’s great that you have found each other after all this time. As a suspicious person, I’d wonder if this had been going on prior to the divorce- since you mentioned knowing this person prior to the divorce. That’s probably part of what irks them. However, as someone who is divorced and asked for the divorce- it still feels weird seeing the person you loved with another person. it just is. They will get over it.
Your ex wife is just furious she doesn’t get to see you be miserable and beg to have her back. She lost the power trip, and you even look happier. Which also makes her frustrated. This was to make YOU fell miserable, and her empowered. While amicable in terms of the law. She did not want it an amicable emotional divorce. This was supposed to hurt you.
She also found out that you were capable of moving on, and she won’t live rent free in your head.
She made her decision. You even tried to help change her mind. Now she gets to live with it. For better, and for worse.
NTA. They were the ones who wanted the divorces. They don’t get to be upset that you’re moving on. That’s not how any of this works.
I watched a sibling go through something similar.
So starved and so quietly mistreated for so long. He is a professional, a genuinely nice guy, and was being asked on dates before the ink was dry.
His ex wife was aghast. I mean PISSED. How could he? I didn’t get it – she asked for the divorce, not him…
He is now remarried to a wonderful woman, and yup, one he first dated early on from papers being served.
Live your life. They’ve made their decisions your ex, and hers. You now get to make yours.
NTA. Not one bit. The only way I would feel for your ex wife and her ex husband was if the relationship between you and your gf started while you were both married, and any infidelity was the cause of your respective divorces.
There would be no point in wanting a divorce if your wife didn’t want the opportunity to remarry or meet someone else. Marriage is paper, it’s not holding you together. Sure if you were going to try to control her financially she might have to legally divorce you but it doesn’t sound like that was something she had to be concerned about. She asked you for the divorce (and your girlfriend’s husband asked her) so these people assumed they were the only ones unhappy. Instead they were just the only ones who were no longer willing to continue trying. You were all unhappy, clearly. They just gave up first. Now, the only way I could say your wife (and girlfriend husband) has any reason to be miffed is if you misrepresented that unhappiness. Were you emotionally and physically unfulfilled but never spoke it out loud? Or did she know? Either way honestly you’re NTA but if your wife had no idea then I can see why she feel’s blindsided a little. But who cares? She didn’t wanna be married to you and she’s not your wife anymore. You don’t owe her anything. As co parents you only owe her respect and communication. She doesn’t need to understand your feelings anymore and she certainly isn’t entitled to them.
It seems that you always kept that woman as a backup option. Could this be the reason your wife divorced you after 25 years of marriage?
And based on her husband’s reaction, could this be the reason he divorced her?
Sounds like you have this wrong.
Both of your ex-spouses are the AH
Continue with your relationship. You both found happiness that you deserve.. What a beautiful story.
This isn’t a new relationship. And maybe there were aspects of a romantic attachment all along.
You can’t get involved in her divorce.
Well, they left you
Lol “I have always loved her and cared for her deeply.” I think I know why your wife wanted to divorce you. You were already checked out, mate.
You’re not the AH for moving on. You ARE the AH for what I suspect is probably unintentional emotional neglect of your ex-wife. Here’s hoping she finds her happily ever after too.
She didn’t want you but no one else can have you, either. Typical
People shouldn’t bluff if not willing to take risks. NTA congrats OP
I think it’s normal that, when a marriage starts failing and fading, you’ll find yourself quickly drawn to a person that’s giving you what you’ve been missing. There is nothing wrong with that… So not the AH.
However, the “I’ve always loved her and cared for her deeply” does raise a bit of suspicion, if I’m being honest.
I’m so happy for you both. I hope the relationship works out and you both aren’t just rebounding.
NTA! You were both served divorce papers, you didn’t cheat or lie. Congratulations in finding love!! Enjoy your time together
NTA. Effectively you two were dumped. Unceremoniously and without consideration. And then through a mature and somewhat deliberate process you moved on and found peace. Your silver lining does not need their support.
Given OPs comment history I am willing to bet there was more to this divorce that they are letting on…
Yes, you should both remain single and miserable until you die.
Come on dude, you really think you might be an AH after your wife dumps you and you move on?
Considering her ex husband’s reaction there is something fishy about your strong relationship. How come you always loved her and going on family vacation together? How come that you switch so quickly after 25 years only knowing since March? There’s lots of background missing. Moving on do quickly means you cheated before and didn’t care for your exwife. Understandably, they are upset.
NTA. I’m glad you found someone that you are happy with. Everyone deserves to be happy.
NTA. I don’t want you and I’m going to blindside you asking for a divorce but I don’t want you to find happiness with someone else? Fuck off 😂
YATAH perhaps your wife divorced your ass because you’ve have “loved and deeply cared for” this other woman for years. Yikes.
The only assholes are your spouses. They were the ones that didn’t want to be with either of you anymore so they don’t get to pissed that you both found someone else. I bet they have someone else too.
No. You are not. You guys have always been meant to be imo. It is none of their business who their divorced spouses date. She needs to cut off all contact with that guy except related to the kids (if they are minors) and related to splitting of assets for divorce. They can communicate via a parenting app.
NTA
You also deserve to be happy and find love. You didn’t betray your wife during your marriage and this relationship happened afterwards. You did nothing wrong here. You also get to live your life how you want to.
Rebound rebound rebound. Be aware of this – both of you are in a rebound relationship. It could work, or it could be insanely terribly bad.
Neither of you are creating space for yourselves after ending a major life change. Give yourselves a year before cohabiting, at least. Otherwise codependency and resentment may crop up in one or both.
Plus it’s not fair to the kids at all.
It sounds to me like you’ve always had one foot out of the marriage. Your wife likely stayed until the kids were launched to ensure she didn’t have to fight you for college funds and support after you moved on to the woman you’ve “always loved”. YTA because of how you behaved yes. When people divorce after the kids leave it’s a sign they’re wanted out for years but knew their spouse would check out of the kids lives and not support them fully. Your wife knew where your attentions really lay.
Dude I’m happy for you, some will advise you to take a lot of time for yourselves but this is not a stranger but a person you grew up with basically I’m very happy for you.
NTA. You found happiness again. Enjoy it.
Not at all. She set you free to be single again. Don’t understand why she would be upset about that since she doesn’t want you anymore. Is it possible she regrets her decision?
NTA. The exes can’t be mad that you all moved on after they divorced you… if I was one of the exes, I’d question if you two had something through the years, but you are both free to be together now.
NTA
This isn’t an unusual story.
No. You both waited until divorces happened. Hers has no right to even be a little upset because he initiated the divorce so publicly. It’s good you found love again at 50!
Your, “ I have always loved her and cared about her deeply” was a tip off. I wanted to say NTA, but then I went to your page and saw your comments going way back. You’re NTA for moving on. YTA for the obvious cheating you were doing online and potentially in person 😂 idk why people get married, it’s obvious you like an open selection. Your one comment even talks about going to see someone while on the same trip to see your new gf. Polyamory is a thing, but honesty is the key to being poly.
If you’re getting a divorce I don’t see what the issue is.
NTA but……
This is odd to me. You’re here stating that you’ve rekindled a relationship with a woman you now love and yet your conscience feels weighed by the relationship so much so that you are seeking the validation of strangers on Reddit. Could it be that there’s more to this story deep down that you aren’t sharing with us?
Something is telling me you’ve always had strong feelings for and wanted this woman so much so that it impacted the way you emotionally showed up for your wife in the marriage. It’s interesting how you start off by saying your wife asked for a divorce after 25 years of marriage but you don’t disclose WHY that may have been or the reality of your marriage at the time. You painted the story of a wife who just up and abandoned you (which could be the case but I’m trying to consider all possible sides here) .
Here’s the fact. This woman was an EX you never lost feelings for that you kept around your marriage as a friend for YEARS. I see why her ex husband is mad, because man to man, you KNEW what was up the entire time and perhaps she did to. Giving all those years of your life to a partner whose heart was never with you to begin with is painful. The timing of this relationship is painful for your ex spouses whether they openly express such or not.
Regardless of your decision to be in this new relationship it is never wise to end one relationship and start another right after. You haven’t fully processed the loss and neither has she. It feels amazing now, but CAUTION, once that spark wears off you’re left with something that feels much different and if the relationship ends it’s only then everything will come crashing down on you emotionally all at once. You both are NUMBING each other for the time being.
NTA your exes are the ones who initiated the divorces. They don’t get to dictate what you do or who you’re with after dumping you.
Even if this weren’t the case, you would be allowed to move on with your life. If you had been the ones who initiated the divorces and they were hurt, you might take some time and be discrete. Even then, everyone needs to move on and live their lives.
Your GF’s hateful soon to be ex is an AH. Everyone has a right to have feelings about this and be unhappy, but that’s on their own time.
hahahhaha this is so fucking funny, it’s almost like they divorced hoping you’d both be miserable without them and now resent you guys for not being miserable?
fuck them, seriously
it’s not wrong to move on i suspect she’s upset bc it’s someone who you guys hung out with and went on vacations with?
Absolutely not. Your wife didn’t want you anymore. She has no right to complain that now someone else does.
Her husband doesn’t get to be mad. He lost that privilege by serving her divorce papers.
Same with your ex.
So happy for you both. Hope the og spouses of you both have learned their lesson
Sounds good except be careful about a rebound relationship. Especially when it appears you still have feelings for your ex.
NTA. Your spouses made their choices. They no longer have a say in what or who you.
YTA, because you just admitted that you had feelings for another woman during your entire marriage.
Nope you are 100% NTA
Sounds to me like people got what they wanted / deserved.
Your wife asked for divorce. Divorce was her choice and if she’s envious due to the consequences of her choices welp that’s on her not you my friend.
Your girlfriends ex sounds like a real charmer – being very hateful towards her and her children that’s just well in a word pathetic.
You did nothing and you deserve to try and find happiness in your life my dude.
Your girlfriend? don’t know what happened between her ex but welp you’ve described her ex’s action which are again pathetic but it’s none of my business… that being said she deserves to try and find happiness in her life.
Those relationship are over so there is nothing wrong with this new one they are unconnected except by history.
The only AH here is your ex wife serving you with divorce papers and then acting like youve done something wrong for not remaining single. Youre NTA, youve done nothing wrong.
You love your wife, you love your girlfriend, honestly this sounds a bit messy and you both should probably let the dust settle before you go rushing into another relationship 🤷♀️
NTA, but I wonder if both of you are co-dependent types? Both of yalls divorces are not even final and you are already shaking up. No shade or shame, just seems a bit rushed in my view. But you do you and have fun!!
Nope. You are good carry on and let them be mad