I (21F) am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend (20M). we’ve been dating for 4 and a half months. we met online and decided to meet this summer (in a month or two from now). we’ve had a few minor arguments but in the start of april we had a bigger one. he expressed that he felt like i sounded disinterested and bored. i was really taken aback because i didn’t consciously feel that way at all. in fact i thought we were going great then. we’d talk regularly and also play games together. we expressed our love for each other regularly and ive never been this affectionate with anyone ever before and thats true for him too. ive struggled with such issues in my social relationships with other people too. a few months back one of my friends told me i sounded uninterested and unenthusiastic all the time which she found disrespectful and that i was so miserable all the time that it was draining. when i told her that im genuinely physically and mentally tired a lot of the times and that im not lying or joking when i say that i struggle with my mental health, she said that these sound like excuses and those that wanna put in effort do it anyway. this has been living in my head since then and i was deeply hurt by what she said and now for my boyfriend to say something like that (obviously not in such a brutal way) really scared me about my ability to maintain healthy relationships especially because it happened when i least expected it. ive also been very unsure about my ability to detect social cues or act in a behaviour thats expected of me. i feel like i cant trust my judgement. anyways so when my boyfriend said that, i asked him why he felt that way because it wasnt true. he said that there were many little things he couldnt exactly pinpoint that made him feel that way. some of them, to me sounded like the limitations of online ldr relationships. tbh i also thought that maybe he was just worried of getting hurt because he had said before that this was the first time he felt so attached to someone. i cant make assumptions tho so idk if that was the case. maybe i shouldve only focused on reassuring him but i also tried to probe so i could understand why he felt that way becquse he’d often ask me before too if i was losing interest. i agree i should’ve been more understanding and reassuring but it turned into a bit of an argument. the next day, our energies were off and we clearly seemed down (both of us) and after that i did some self talk and realised that i did love him so i kinda went back to my usual enthusiastic (at least to me) self but he continued sounding distant. after that we had a long talk abt this and to me the argument just seemed like back and forth useless discussion of him making assumptions and me trying to defend myself bc they just werent true. i couldnt just let him think something untrue but it seems like me defending myself also pissed him off. he kept saying that i shouldve just reassured him and i told him that i attempted to solve the problem too and that yes i shouldve provided more reassurance but it was unfair for him to blame me so much for everything. he did realise a while later that he was blaming me too much and apologised for that. we were discussing if we should stay or break up. he did love me and i did too but i did feel insecure about whether id be able to meet the expectations (socially). i even told him that it kinda shook me and i felt unsure about myself and that maybe i wouldnt be able to keep up. he must really like me because he said he didnt wanna let go so easily and that our bond wasnt that superficial to break it over smth like this. i decided to give it another chance.
after that we got along very well for like a month. recently he said that we were such a strange couple and that we didnt have anything in common. what do we even talk about? will you be able to keep up with this? this is what he asked and i said it was unfair to just ask me such big questions and expect only me to answer and he said they were rhetorical. anw so this also kinda messed me up. idk why i got sensitive. i dont rlly wanna invalidate myself tho.
honestly idk if these things were big enough but i felt really uncomfortable since. my mental health is also pretty shit these days (because of other reasons too, since im busy with uni stuff and just at a difficult point in life)
now i really feel like i might be losing intetest. im hesitant to say this because i dont wanna sound like manipulative or sumn. i really dont do casual dating and i approached this pretty sincerely so idk.
idk i just feel so off these days. affection seems forced. it even makes me cringe (unlike before). i dont get excited when i see his notification. i dont particularly wanna chat either. these things make me feel like it isnt just the honeymoon phase ending and maybe im really not into him anymore.
i feel really bad and idk how to break it to him. he has exams rn and i dont wanna stress him out more. ik he probably detected the awkwardness tho. i also dont know if my reasons for feeling this way are valid or not. and im not villainising him either hes a very good person and hes been really nice to me and i (idk if i can say love but) care for him and i dont want anything bad for him. im also scared because what if i regret my decision. i know that if we officially end it ill also take time to recover even though itll be my decision. im not sure how ill cope with that. idk if ill ever find someone who i can vibe with and love. im so scared.
also id really appreciate if someone gives me any good advice on how to break it to him and when.
sorry for the long ass post i just had a lot on my mind!
TL;DR: I (21F) am in a 4.5-month long-distance relationship with my boyfriend (20M). We’ve had some emotional and communication issues that shook my confidence, and lately, I’ve felt distant, affection feels forced, and I’m not excited to talk like before. I don’t want to hurt him, but I’m unsure how to bring this up or even trust my own feelings. Advice on how and when to talk to him would be appreciated.