Guilt is starting to set it. We sent mil a message about boundaries. She decided to go cold turkey on contact and I’ve never been happier. Me and my husband fight less, I have more energy because I’m not battling her multiple times a week. I just feel like I’m starting to feel healthier and happier overall and that has impacted my productivity and ability to be a better wife and mother
I still feel sadness and guilt. I wonder if my husband will blame me one day for pushing the boundaries and her choosing to abandon him once again. I wonder if my son will hate me for seperating him from his much loved grandmother. He’s 4 he doesn’t understand the damage she causes in our world, he just loves her. I just wonder if I’ve made the right decision and if I’m going to regret it. I know I’m protecting my kids but I wonder if they will see it that way
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She is giving you the silent treatment as punishment for setting boundaries. Her manipulation is working. The longer you hang in there, the better. Write down your reasons and needs for setting boundaries so you can reference it for setting them when you are in doubt. If your husband blames you, maybe try couples therapy. Don’t try to fix a situation your MIL broke because you are feeling internal pressure. You’ve done nothing wrong and your guilt is misplaced. Grieve the relationship you hoped to have with her.
Get couples counseling if your husband actually expresses resentment towards you for his mother’s choices.
Wait a minute—if I’m understanding you correctly, your MIL is the one who went NC, simply because she didn’t like your boundaries? So what do you have to feel guilty about? This is a choice SHE made, and that’s what I would tell anyone who asks, or anyone who criticizes you because she lies and spins the story so she is the victim.
You tried to set healthy boundaries, she’s the one who responded with abandonment. You’re not to blame at all. If you notice so much benefit from getting a break from her I’d bet your husband will/does too. Your children will know the happy, healthy home you give them. You can tell him Grandma loves him if he asks but you didn’t take her from him. She’s cruel to do that to a small child just to get revenge on you.
I’m in the exact same situation. My husband voiced a concern about her being a little too harsh to our then 4 month old son, whom she adores. She responded with “If you think that I’m too harsh, given all the love and care I have for him, then he no longer has a grandma! Forget about me!” She’s been NC for a month now and probably expects us to apologize. It’s hard for us not to, but we’re holding the line because we know this is manipulation. If you bend now, there’s no way you establish any rules or boundaries from now on. Your relationship will be on her terms. Please don’t.
Any time you feel guilty or responsible for her emotional state, emotional regulation or behavior, recognize it as the effects of her emotional manipulation and abuse. No other person can regulate another’s emotions, the ones on which they choose to focus and amplify and the behavior they CHOOSE based on feelings. Your uncomfortable feelings and “what if” anxieties are caused by the toxicity in your relationship with MIL.
She is enraged that you have set limits on her access to you, your marriage, your home and the family within. She is “punishing” you and her son for it. The best course of action is to strengthen the communication between you and your husband. Share how MILs continuing attempts at manipulating you both to invade your privacy and disrupt your peace affects you. Encourage him to share his own mixed and confusing feelings. Boundary stompers typically escalate when firm boundaries are established and maintained. Her withdrawing affection and attention are her deliberate attempt to hurt your husband (and you, to the degree you feel anxious and guilty rather than relieved). She has not changed. She has not “learned.” She is still trying to negate your boundaries protecting your marriage. That’s something you and your partner should acknowledge and together stand against.