TL;DR: Since going abroad for university, I (20F) have started resenting my mom (60F) after realizing how toxic and controlling her behavior is, especially as my siblings (34M & 32M) and I grow more independent. She tries to control us, refuses to admit when she’s wrong, and reacts with silent treatment or emotional manipulation when she doesn’t get her way. Her inability to communicate, take accountability (like when she ruined my hair after insisting i let her “style it”), and let go of control is emotionally exhausting. I miss how close we were but now feel constant negativity and don’t know how to stop resenting her.
Hi, I (20F) have started to resent my mother (60F) after being more aware of her faults. Since going abroad for university and coming back in the summers, I’ve developed a greater sense of awareness of how toxic her behaviour is, even if her intentions are not necessarily evil, because she refuses to change or admit when she’s wrong. I don’t want to resent her because we were once very close, when i was more ignorant, and this is making me feel negative all the time which i detest.
For example, she is now struggling to understand that my siblings (34&32 both M) and I are older now, and more independent. We all work and both of them have successful careers, and im in the process of developing one for myself, but my mother still tries to control us. I’m doing everything right: no drugs, good gpa at one of the best universities in the world, working part-time, fit etc. but I’m still flawed because i don’t listen to her every word. Even when it’s mostly about things i don’t care much about, like dressing more femininely. She threw her life away after marrying my controlling father (80M) and becoming a stay-at-home-mom, yet thinks she is so wise because she’s older and our mother. This manifests itself in many different occasions, and they all end with her giving us the silent treatment/being cold until a few days pass by and she pretends nothing happened once she realizes it was never that deep. Or she will give us a useless lecture basically talking down on us and hyping herself up, and manipulating us by saying our behaviour is proving to her that we will abandon her when she gets old. It’s clear she has this fear, but she wont communicate about it (or anything) with us.. so we can’t reassure her or talk civilly.
For example, my brother had a legal issue with his previous job a few months back, we were following the advice a trusted lawyer gave us.. but the pace wasn’t fast enough for my mother, so she decided to hire some random “lawyer” we barely knew and he ended up scamming us for hundreds. She never apologized or admitted she was in the wrong, she just found a way to turn the story around and talk down on my brother.
Last month, she insisted she styles my hair (I have natural curls, which are her genetics but she is very white washed and hates the curls.. for years she’s been making me feel bad about not straightening my hair and for caring for my hair’s health). I kept saying no, because I know she can’t handle curly hair and I don’t like when people touch my hair, but it genuinely got so difficult to keep ignoring her and she started to yell and cuss every time i’d try rejecting the offer. I ended up saying “ok,” and my hair was ruined just three hours later. She did everything you shouldn’t do to curly hair, and it got extremely thin and matted. I booked an appointment with a curly hair stylist to get a chop and revive what was left of my curls, and my mom still refuses to acknowledge that she messed up. She says my hair got matted/thin on its own, but how come it was ok before I let her touc ugh h it? Anyways i was very upset for a while afterwards, because the way my hair looked after ruined my self esteem, and she was mad at me for being upset. I wasn’t even mad at her, just upset.
Now, every few weeks a new situation happens where i (or my siblings) do something small she disagrees with, she feels like she’s lost control over us, gets mad and the household gets tense til she gets over it. It’s so emotionally draining and i’ve still got another two months of summer. I resent her so much. We used to hang out , but lately i can’t stand her so our interactions have been minimal. I don’t like feeling this way, and don’t know how to stop. I’ve tried communicating, but she shuts it down and twists my words to make me feel bad.