My mom remarried in the early 2010s. They live in Illinois. They signed a rocksolid prenup that keeps all property and income—past and future—100 % separate. She has multiple rental properties, farmland and the homestead. As income, she received several big pensions, VA disability benefits, social security, and other smaller monthly income from various sources. My stepdad had nothing in his name and only a small social security income that goes to his private bank account.
Fastforward: My mom was diagnosed with dementia a few years ago. Not long after, her husband got himself added to one of her bank accounts, turning it into a joint account funded only with her money. He never deposits. In the middle of the dementia spiral, my mom signed both financial and healthcare powers of attorney in his favor while we were setting up her revocable living trust. (I found out much later that my mom never told anyone about the prenup during that meeting, and neither did he.).
My mom has now been formally declared incapacitated, and I’m the successor POA if her husband steps down or is removed. I’m also the first successor trustee for my mom’s revocable living trust (now active trustee after her being declared incapacitated). The revocable trust mentions me as beneficiary for the rental property and her estate (which is only me) for an inherited retirement investment account. Her husband is the beneficiary of only their homestead.
I live far away and come to visit and help in any way I can 2-3 times per year.
Her husband is also forgetting a lot of things or just not doing them:
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doctor appointments, important scans and tests
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support her basic grooming
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deposit checks
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pay property taxes
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file tax returns
He forgets really important information that I’ve shared multiple times, gets confused sometimes and then frustrated and has shown symptoms of dementia, but refuses to get tested. He also doesn’t take good care of my mom’s daily health. I imagine she is malnourished as he doesn’t cook and she is only offered basic sandwiches (e.g. processed cheese and lunch meat or PB and jelly) once a day and the rest of her diet is a lot of junk food as snacks. There are many other things that worry me but this will become too big of a post.
Why my alarm bells are ringing:
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He’s talked about giving sums to his unemployed (at the time) adult daughter.
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His grandson lives in one of my mom’s rentals; he claims he “pays cash,” but I’ve never seen it hit the bank. He now pays it to the bank after I took over management of the trust due to my mom getting declared incapacitated.
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I have seen some bank statements and there are many “over the counter” checks with big sums that do not make sense.
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My mom’s inherited investment account requires a minimum yearly withdrawal. He took the RMD in December and yanked out an even bigger chunk two months later, despite $40k+ already sitting idle in the joint account.
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He keeps floating the idea of selling the rentals (again, trust assets that go to me) so the cash can “just sit” in the joint account—money he would inherit outright when my mom passes.
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He is obsessed with money and hides valuable items that my mom has bought in cooperation with his daughter
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He hasn’t done Tax returns since my mom was diagnosed with dementia. Before that, my mom was doing all taxes and handling all finances.
My questions
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Is it true that the money in the joint account belongs only to my mom since every penny inside have been deposited by her, plus what the prenup says? Can he use part of the joint account for himself and his benefit?
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As successor POA and acting trustee, how can I force an accounting from his financial POA activities without triggering World War III? How could I take over the POA?
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Do I have enough to go to a probate judge and get him suspended or bonded? How much would it cost in lawyer and court fees if I take action? My finances are not good enough to take legal action that will cost 10s of thousands. Any potential sources that can help me with low cost, or that I could pay with installments or with possible future income or even my mom’s money if I win? The trust bank account has almost no cash after big mandatory expenses, so even if I could use that, it’s not an option right now.
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If I ask the Adult Protective Services, can they assist to protect my mom, her healthcare and her assets?
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Any tips from folks who’ve dealt with a spouse exploiting dementia plus a POA? How should I best move forward to protect my mom and her assets?
I appreciate any advice you guys can give me because I am at my wits end.
Location: Illinois