I (M30) have been with my GF (F30) for 10 months now.
She is an amazing woman.I could say she is everything I have ever wished in a GF. She loves me as much as I love her, is really communicative and likes to resolve issues in our relationship as quickly as possible and in the most mature way possible. Which I really appreciate. I could imagine spending the rest of my life with her.
For context:
Before meeting her, I had been single for 5 years. Tried to date a few times but it didnt work out. And honestly I had given up on trying to find somebody at all. My last relationship lasted 5 years and it was with a really troubled girl. I loved her but from the beginning there were always red flags that I decided to ignore. Such as hidden conversations with SO of her past, borderline, bipolar personality issues that did not get better with time and even rumors from people that saw her doing inappropriate things with other men while we were still in a relationship. It was not an easy time and most things I talked with her and never fully resolved them. She had a really rough childhood, abuse, father abandoned her etc. and also a promiscuous past which I knew about. Nevertheless we decided to just keep going with the relationship.
Eventually, she cheated on me with a really close friend. kept it a secret for 6 months and then told me out of the blue.
I am still traumatized from this experience. I went to therapy for a long time, moved back to my parents house because I was destroyed and could no longer go on. After some time I healed enough to go on with my life but I decided that I would have some “rules” when I decide to have a relationship with someone again. I told to myself, the next girl I meet should come from a non troubled family, have a “clean” past, not have any traumas etc. But of course things dont always work out how you expect them to work out.
Then I met my current GF and in our first dates we talked about some of these topics. We didnt get into too much detail but from what she told me I thought that it was ok and she also seemed like a really sweet girl. Which she absolutely is.
Some months into our relationship I started to know more about her and her past. And she really had a traumatic childhood. And she also got abused as a kid which breaks my heart. Some years ago she was hospitalized for mental health reasons but she has worked so much on herself that she is a completely different person. But of course there are some scars left.
Some time ago, we were about to go to sleep and were talking about past dating experiences and suddenly she started crying and told me that she is afraid that I will leave her if she tells me about her promiscuous past. That she knows that I am not a person who has engaged in casual sex and that culture is not a part of my values. I told her that I love her and that I understand her concern and that I will of course not leave her. But I DO NOT wish to know about her past experiences because it will only cause trouble in my head. She did not understand this and thought that in telling me, I would get to fully know her and she would feel a weight lifted of her shoulders. I insisted that I do not wish to know and she respected it.
Of course I started to compare her past with my exes past. And started to think that she could also cheat on me because her past behaviour resembles my exes so much and that only means trouble. But she has not done anything wrong to me. In fact there werent even red flags ever since we were dating and everything she does only shows me how much she cares for me. And most importantly, she is NOT my ex.
Fastforward to a few days.
We were talking again before going to bed. We were talking about the Queer scene and that she has always thought that she is actually bisexual. And out of the blue she says that she has had sex with a woman before. I was not prepared for this but calmed myself down before responding and just said something vague. She noticed that I was uncomfortable even though I was really trying to fight through it and she started to feel bad and again the topic of me not accepting her past appeared.
A day later I thought to myself that I really want to move past this subject because it shouldnt matter if we are having such a good relationship. And Im struggling between wanting to know more and not wanting to know at all. But now that I know she had sex with a woman my mind started to imagine scenarios and I just want to know, so I can get over the topic and have my mind be calm. So I asked her how it came to be and she told me that if she told me the whole story I probably would react bad.
She told me that she wanted to explore her sexuality with women some time ago and eventually found a girl and they actually agreed on having a threesome with the boyfriend of this girl.
This struck me. And I wish it didnt struck me at all. Because I know its not fair to her. But at the same time I never wished to know any of this. Because deep down I knew I would obscess over this and it would not leave my mind alone. And now I feel like an idiot because I asked her.
I told her I needed to walk a bit but would be back in a few mins. When I came back I went to her, grabbed her hand and told her that she has no reason to feel bad, that if I feel the way I feel now is because I asked her. Told her I love her and we went to sleep.
I cant lie, Im not feeling great right now with this information. I feel so immature and unfair for not simply accepting her past. Because that is all it is, her past. And she is with me now and we have this amazing and healthy relationship which I care and protect so much. But I keep making scenarios in my head and I know she has more to tell me about her past. And part of me wants to know everything because I think thats the only way I will stop making fake scenarios in my head and part of me just wants to shut it down and never hear from it again.
What would be the right approach here?
tldr:
I (30M) have been dating my amazing girlfriend (30F) for 10 months. She’s loving, communicative, and everything I want in a partner. My last relationship ended badly, my ex was troubled, cheated on me, and left me traumatized. Because of that, I told myself I’d only date someone with a “clean” past.
Recently, my girlfriend admitted she has a promiscuous past and even had a threesome once. This triggered old insecurities and made me compare her to my ex, even though she’s never done anything wrong to me.
Now I’m torn: part of me wants to know everything about her past so I stop imagining things, but part of me knows it would just hurt more. I feel immature for letting this bother me and don’t want it to ruin what we have. Should I ask her to tell me everything? Should I go back to therapy? How do I move past this?
Comments
I would say that requesting more details of your girlfriend’s past seems as though it would make you feel worse, not better. Sometimes it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.
Your insecurities are nobody’s problem but your own, and if the mere thought of her sleeping with other people is keeping you up at night, this is absolutely something that needs to be unpacked in therapy.
Edited to add, I think you should rephrase “she has done nothing wrong to me”. She’s done nothing wrong, full stop.
You should seek help. This is a you problem not a her past problem
>My last relationship ended badly, my ex was troubled, cheated on me, and left me traumatized. Because of that, I told myself I’d only date someone with a “clean” past.
I don’t really see the connection.
There’s a difference between someone who cheats on you with your friend behind your back for 6 months and someone who is just bisexual and deliberately set out to explore that part of her sexuality in a consensual and ethical way.
I think you may follow two paths, first, get some help about your insecurities and the second one might be to know all the truth about her past, knowledge is better than guessing and letting your demons fly away.
Nothing can change her past. That is a matter of fact now.
You’ve heard some of what happened and you didn’t like it. Asking for more info won’t help you imho.
So your options are:
Make your choice, and don’t look back.
Chill out man, she chose you. She’s in a relationship with you. The only person you are hurting by being weird about this is yourself. You’re poisoning your own drink here.
This is a you problem, you should do some therapy if you are struggling like this. She hasn’t lived a sex life wilder than most other women
First of all: knowing a painful truth is always better then whatever fucked up fakescenario you will make up.
Second of all: youre drawing the wrong connection. You said because of your ex you only wanna date people with “clean” past. But why is that the factor? What about i wont date a bipolar borderliner in the future? Because the problem doesnt lie in being sexually active, its because you dates an incredibly unstable person, with multiple disorders.
You would probably benefit from therapy, a lot of unresolved issues you gotta sort out
You sound like you need more therapy and/or a new therapist.
Basically your insecurities are so deep that you’re letting this past girl who isn’t even in your life anymore punish you and your girlfriend for seemingly no reason…..
Your girlfriend has done nothing wrong.
How you handle this will make or break your relationship.
You can continue to punish your current girlfriend for your past girlfriend’s infidelity and eventually she will leave, because she’s not gonna hate herself for her past she can’t change.
Or you can handle your insecurities, get some therapy, and come to terms that we are all just doing our best trying to survive on this shit planet and enjoy the time you have left with the person you have found and claim to love.
Your choice my dude.