UGH!Tonight was a waste of two hours of my time and a full face of makeup. I do not do drugs and do not wish to date people to do drugs. I am firm in my values and work in a politically related field, I do not wish to date people who have opposing views. It won’t work, you won’t change my mind, politics matter and impact my day to day life. It’s also MY LITERAL JOB and clearly stated on my profile and discussed beforehand.
I am allowed to reject people for whatever reason is important to me. Just because it’s not a dealbreaker to you, doesn’t mean you get to disregard my dealbreakers by lying to get past them. Just date people you are actually compatible with, instead of saying you are aligned just to get on the date and say “well actually [I do drugs/both political parties are trash so it shouldn’t matter/I don’t actually want kids] but those things shouldn’t matter”. THEY MATTER TO ME and I’m allowed to have standards. My date gave me a lecture and went off with a bunch of ill informed talking points. I’m just so sick of people lying just to get a date and hope they can charm or guilt me out of my standards once we get there. This has happened multiple times and it’s just such a waste of everyone’s time. UGH!
Please please please stop lying in early dating, it’s manipulative and not in anyone’s best interest to trick your way into a relationship that doesn’t work.
Comments
They do that because there is no one available who will date these guys.
>I am allowed to reject people for whatever reason is important to me. Just because it’s not a dealbreaker to you, doesn’t mean you get to disregard my dealbreakers by lying to get past them.
Ever hear the phrase equal and opposite reaction?
The more demanding you are, the more liars you’re gonna get. That’s… just a fact of life.
If you haven’t internalized that no wonder you’re so easily suckered.
Way way back when online dating was still rather taboo, I had put in my profile the only people I was willing to date was someone who had / was in the process of getting an MD / JD / PhD. Education was the dealbreaker for me, if you didn’t have it / value it, I wasn’t interested. The amount of (effectively) hate mail I got from that one requirement was impressive. Rather than just passing over your profile, these people see it as a personal affront that you have a strong preference / attraction that they are not part of; and they must explain to you why you are wrong in your preferences.
It honestly is very weird. No one says much of anything if you have a venial cosmetic preference “I’m attracted to blondes… I want someone who is athletic… I only date hot people” but the moment you attach a non-attainable value to your preferences… whoa boy. Expect some trolls.
Honestly, stop putting it in your bio or anything like that. I used to get a bunch of time wasters because I was very upfront about wanting to date only leftist vegans. Once I took that off my profile and just started asking questions adjacent to those topics I was able to figure out if we’d be compatible or not within the first day or so just through casual conversation. Much better than putting it on my profile and relying on others to be truthful.
Keep your standards you get what you tolerate.. patience and you will find the one
It’s so true though!
Back when I tried dating sites I had the same stipulation on my profile: I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke, and I don’t drink. A deal breaker for me is someone who smokes and does drugs (I’m not bothered if someone drinks, but I won’t date an alcoholic).
And people would match with me, their profiles would say no smoking/drugs and then I’d see a bong in the background of one of their pictures, or it’s a pic of them with a drink in one hand and smoke in the other. So many people lie on their profiles
Why they do this, I’ll never know.
I’m a dude and there’s a weird (unfortunately too common) belief that it is a “challenge” to change your opinion on the matter.
I’m not saying I agree or that it is right.
But I agree with the other posters commenting to remove it and filter these people out vis conversation or a coffee date or the likes.
Talk to them on the phone first, have a conversation. Figure out whether it’s worth meeting in person.
This may or may not apply to what happened on your date, but check out the Burned Haystack Method for women online dating. It’s pretty amazing and may help you sort through some of these posers ahead of time. Good luck out there!