Struggling so hard

Hey folks,

I (24F) am having a really rough go of things. I was broken up with by my partner a few months ago after I had a lumpectomy for a high risk breast lesion. I was informed I will more likely than not develop breast cancer in the next ten years. On top of that, this week is the 10 year anniversary of my mom’s overdose and I’m just suffering,

I’ve tried to stay above water for so long and I just feel like I’m drowning. I work remote and do not have friends in my current city. My ex was my best friend and we were long distance, I actually ended up texting him and apologizing tonight because I just felt so overwhelmed and we haven’t talked since the breakup. I talk to my online friends but I try to not discuss this stuff too much.

I don’t know what to do with all of the intense feelings l have. I want my mom back. I don’t want to be trapped in a body that wants to make bad cells and kill me. I don’t want to do more needles and scans and surgeries. I have to get scanned every six months already and it feels like I’m buying blissful ignorance for a short period of time.

I don’t want to date again because I’m scarred and carrying bad genes. I’m lazy, I get so little done, I kick ass at work but that’s all I have going on, and I just generally feel like a piece of shit. I just feel miserable and then I get so angry at feeling sorry for myself.

I’m stuck, I feel depressed and frustrated, and I’m just not sure what to do.

Thanks for any advice or comfort.