My MIL is considered by everyone a kind and lovely person who always tries to be polite. Since having my first child (her first granddaughter) I cannot stand her and feel constant rage even at the mention of her at 9 months postpartum.
She was obviously very excited about her first grandaughters arrival and showered us with gifts and dinners which only made me feel guilty to set boundaries prior to my daughter’s birth. Even before the birth and just after I was constantly told by other family members how MIL is finally going to be happy now because I’m making her a grandma. It always made me feel like an unnecessary accessory to her grandchild.
I was so worried about upsetting her and doing the wrong things that I ended up letting her do what she thought was right without speaking up in the first month postpartum. The only boundary I managed to set was to ask them to come no earlier than a week postpartum and even this seemed to upset her. She announced she is coming for 5 days a week postpartum and my partner only made me feel more guilty for me to speak up by repeating she lives 4 hours away so we can’t make her come for only a couple of days.
When she arrived she quite literally pushed me away from the front door and grabbed my daughter from her swing without asking or washing her hands after picking up poos outside from her dog a short while ago. She started kissing daughters face too. I assumed she was educated enough to know to at the very least wash her hands. She then ordered FIL to bring in tonnes of gifts from the van from her and her neighbours for me to unpack while she held my baby. I was so exhausted amd overwhelmed. She asked me to go and buy and fill out thank you cards for every one of them because that’s the right thing to do… I didn’t do this and she was noticeably dissatisfied by my poor manners.
She waited for me to finish feeding so she could have her grandaughter back and was visibly angry whenever I was holding her again, wanting to hold her herself the whole time. Even at night, she insisted I go to bed and she will bring her up to me if she cries. I lied there for hours unable to sleep from stress of not having my daughter next to me.
When I saw them again at 1 month postpartum she announced she arranged with all her neighbours (strangers to me) that she will take my daughter over that day and she only asked me whether I will also come with her round the strangers houses or whether she should go with my baby by herself. My baby was premature and this was horrific to me that she would go round all the houses after already meeting 20 new family members that weekend. I told my partner I was not comfortable with this but he insisted he had known these people all his life and why should I deny his mum happiness.
MIL picked out more outfits than my daughter could wear at each stage and brought outfits from strangers for her to wear, asking for photos. I was so guilty to dress my own baby in clothes I picked out and ended up dressing her in gifted items to avoid conflict. I would definitely stand my ground now as it’s my baby but I was vulnerable and let her guilt me into playing into her dreams about my daughter. To make things worse, my daughter looks a lot like her and I was constantly reminded of this by different people, only adding to resentment.
I feel like she stole the spotlight during my postpartum period and made herself into a star of the show at my expense.
Now, I am expecting another baby and this is where I really need advice. I feel like the resentment and trauma caused by her behaviour is affecting my current pregnancy very deeply. I feel so anxious about the postpartum period this time around and about how she will respond to me now setting proper boundaries. My partner agreed that he will communicate the new boundaries and will stick by my side this time. However, I know it really hurts him that I have so much resentment towards his mum and have been actively avoiding visiting her ever since. I just don’t know how to forgive her for my sake to enable me to have a redemptive experience this time around, even knowing that she will still need to see my children sometimes. She continues to buy items for my baby and keeps them at her house as if to try to buy time with her and make me feel guilty I don’t let her see the baby much anymore. I wish I could just be able to see her, on my terms, without feeling so much rage. I believe she would respect my boundaries this time, even if she doesn’t agree but this will definitely cause even more unpleasant tension. She can feel I don’t like her around now and it causes constant tension and arguments in my relationship as wl because I just can’t be nice to her anymore, and can’t stand seeing her hold my daughter even after all these months.
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He allowed and is complicit in this too, if he expresses he is sad about the relationship, tell him that he chose this by putting his mother before you and your newborn and what was best for you both. Also if MIL says anything about the new boundaries, I’d simply say that her behaviour surrounding the post partum time of your first born warrants this necessary and you will not be allowing her to do the same again. I’m sorry you were so let down by both DH and MiL . Don’t be afraid to implement hard consequences for both going forward.
Where was your husband in all of this? Was he minimizing/excusing her behavior? Does he understand how she made you feel?
You need to have a conversation with her. Be direct and factual. Let her know that this time WILL be different and that if she cannot respect your boundaries then she won’t be around. If you continue to allow her to get away with literally you around, it will never end. Shine your spine mama, you’ve got babies to set an example for!
first of all, your partner sucks for not adequately protecting you and abiding by your wishes with your first born.
for your second, set whatever boundaries you want and stick to them. tell your partner what you want and he needs to follow and relay them to in-laws. in-laws will throw a tantrum – that’s their problem.
if partner had relayed the boundaries to in-laws and they complied, you probably would not have the negative feelings you now have with inlaws
do not let mil do anything with your children you don’t want her to do. hold baby for hours, no. have baby wear the clothes you bought and want the baby to wear- too bad if MIL is upset that baby is not wearing MIL chosen clothes. I’m sure you get the idea. Don’t feel guilty about anything that other people are unhappy about.
Your baby, your rules and desires for baby – not MIL. Your partner says he will be different this time. I think you will need to remind him of this several times. My gut tells me he is going to cave in when pressed by his mother.
best of luck for the future and for a healthy newborn.
Has anyone had a conversation with her about this? You also need to be directing some of this anger towards your husband. Not once did he have your back, validate your feelings. Sounds like he cared for his mom and her feelings and excitement, than what you were experiencing. Is he really going to have your back with this baby and respect your boundaries?? I highly doubt it.