I 19F , (never been in a relationship before) met this guy 22M on Reddit about 5 months before starting my semester abroad. We started talking because he went to the same university that I was going to. Our conversations quickly became deep and we talked for hours every day, and I felt a connection I’d never felt with anyone before.
At first, I just wanted to be friends. But he flirted often, saying things like “will you marry me?” and playful compliments. and over time, I started developing feelings too. Still, he’d occasionally ghost me for 2–3 days, saying he was busy. I tried to be understanding because when he did come back, we’d pick up where we left off and have a great time again.
Once I finally arrived for my exchange semester, things were amazing. We met almost every day. We explored the city, laughed a lot, and made so many memories together. He brought me small gifts, like chocolates when I was on my period, took me to cool places (even flew me somewhere cool), and spent hours just hanging out. We had a few arguments, he would sometimes raise his voice or get pushy, but always apologized afterward. I felt so close to him. We started doing sleepovers and cuddling (which he initiated), and that deepened my feelings.
As the end of my semester got closer, I started feeling really low. The thought of leaving and possibly never seeing him again was breaking my heart. I opened up to him during a sleepover, crying, telling him how I felt — but he didn’t seem too affected. I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could before I left, but he didn’t seem to feel the same urgency. I wanted to confess my feelings, but every time I got close, he’d ghost me again or cancel plans without warning. When we did meet, though, things would go back to being wonderful, and I’d forgive him again.
Then last night, He invited me for another sleepover. We were cuddling, things felt amazing and pure, but he kept checking his phone more than usual. I never thought much of it before since he talks to his friends, but something felt off. When he left the room, I glanced at his notifications. There were texts from FOUR different girls — nothing explicit, but they looked eerily similar to how our conversations began. They were asking why he hadn’t replied, telling him about their day — the same emotional tone I used to have with him early on.
My heart sank.
This entire time, he made me feel like I was his favorite person. He got me gifts, spent so much time with me, invited me for special days, telling me that he only wanted to spend time with me on his birthday for example, constantly told me how much he loved being with me, and even joked about marrying me. Now I don’t know if any of that was real.
I feel so confused and hurt. I genuinely thought we had something special, and I’m still deeply attached to him. But after seeing those messages, I feel disrespected. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable for expecting loyalty even though we weren’t “official.” Part of me wants to confront him. Another part doesn’t want to ghost him in the few days I have left. My friends say I should take space and protect myself, but I’m struggling to process all this. Or I could just try acting normal and stay friends with him without any expectations because I do have a great time with hime
I’d really appreciate any advice. Should I talk to him about what I saw? Is it okay that I feel betrayed when we were technically just friends? I just don’t know what to do.
TL;DR:
I (19F) grew close to a guy (22M) I met online before my semester abroad. We spent a lot of time together and got emotionally close, with cuddling and flirting, though we weren’t officially dating. Now that I’m about to leave, I found out he’s been texting multiple other girls in a similar way, and I feel hurt and confused. Not sure if I should talk to him, take space, or just stay friendly until I leave.
Comments
Your feelings are absolutely valid, but generally… I think that you shouldn’t have gone into this “relationship” the way you did.
The thing is that you have known this guy for a long time now, he has flirted and courted you for a long time and he has gotten nowhere. In today’s day and age, not reciprocating clear flirting with pushing a relationship further in a more reasonable time than you did will lead to the other person naturally looking for other options.
Normally, people kiss after a few dates at the latest. No one wants to entertain a potential partner for weeks on end, giving presents, planning activities, for no development at all. Even if sex is off the table for a (long) while, kissing and other couples-activities, on top of becoming exclusive, is basically expected.
But it sounds like you offered none of that. You happily took all he offered in terms of affection and attention, but you didn’t develop the relationship more. Given that you two were also on a “time limit”, so to speak, I am not blaming the guy for deciding some time ago that obviously nothing is happening with you. I mean, you already chatted for quite a while before you met in person – I think most people would have expected that after meeting up five or six more times in person, you would have agreed on if you want to date or not, based on if the in-person chemistry is as good as the online chemistry.
Of course it’s valid that you’re hurting. It makes perfect sense. But there’s quite the chance that this man feels like you led him on for weeks and he finally decided that he’s just gonna take what little he can get from you until he finds someone else who actually wants to start dating him in a much faster time, especially with you leaving.
This relationship really never had a chance anyway because of the limited time you had together and the fact that you then didn’t quickly started to date once you met in person was the final nail in the coffin.
I do think that he is behaving pretty shittily, for the records. As in, the whole ghosting thing and all. But as much as it is okay for you to feel betrayed, as much do I think that he hasn’t done anything wrong when it comes to flirting and finding an actual partner because it had become clear to him long ago that you’re not it. You were simply way, way, way, way, way too slow in wanting to be with him.