TL;DR: My fiancée’s mom has a long history of favoritism. Now that we’re planning our wedding, I’m trying to shield my fiancée from the emotional fallout, but it’s starting to wear on both of us.
My fiancée and I just got engaged after five wonderful years. Her mom (we’ll call her Lily)? Not as wonderful right now.
My fiancée is queer, and growing up, Lily made sure she was excluded. Not allowed to attend birthdays, graduations, soccer games – just a constant, silent message that she didn’t belong. Her sister Marigold used to tell people she was an only child.
Despite all that, my fiancée worked hard to rebuild things. Lily now loudly claims to be supportive, complete with rainbow-colored moral superiority. She constantly questions whether my small-town, rural family are “safe” for her daughter to be around, even though they’ve been nothing but warm, loving.
When I asked her parents for their blessing (my fiancée’s request, not mine), before her dad could say yes, Lily immediately hijacked the conversation with a 30-minute TED Talk about Marigold’s love story. My fiancée’s name came up maybe twice.
Then I shared my proposal plans and invited both sets of parents to a small celebration. Lily’s first reaction? “Is Marigold coming?” She wasn’t—but only because she lives five hours away, was mid-move, just started a new job, and it was a Sunday. And my fiancée mentioned she would love to tell Marigold personally.
Lily responded by going to the restaurant I mentioned as the kickoff to our day, took photos, and sent them to my fiancée asking if we were going there soon. Subtle. And yes, she told Marigold about the proposal before my fiancée could.
Later, when our parents met, Lily showed up with an over-the-top gift like she’d been emotionally present the whole time. So hot and cold.
Our wedding venue? She was thrilled – because she had toured it for Marigold’s wedding. (We didn’t know.)
Dress shopping? She spent it texting Marigold and tried pressuring my fiancée into a dress she didn’t love because “you don’t have to be happy with it right away” and “Marigold chose hers in under 30 minutes.” When she wasn’t texting, she was showing everyone pictures from Marigold’s wedding two years ago.
We shared our guest list to help collect addresses—not for edits. Lily responded by asking us to invite Marigold’s in-laws (MIL, FIL, SIL, SIL’s bf) whom we’ve met maybe twice and suggested cutting family members who didn’t attend Marigold’s wedding (but not cutting people who didn’t attend but sent a gift, just gross). Apparently, invitations are now based on past wedding loyalty.
What hurts is my fiancée isn’t surprised. She said she never thought her wedding would be about her. Like that was normal. And that shattered me.
My fiancée and I have no issues with Marigold. She’s awesome. I feel bad that she and my fiancée lost out on a real sibling bond thanks to their mom’s favoritism. But this is really making me resentful.
My fiancée deserves joy. We’re already going on an info diet and doing pre-marital counseling to protect our peace. But if anyone’s been here before…how do you keep your cool and protect your partner’s happiness when their family keeps rewriting them out of their own wedding?
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as Temporary_Reason_543 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Temporary_Reason543 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
Have you considered eloping, to have a wedding that actually is about the two of you?