Struggling with husband’s betrayal

Just going to start right in here – I’ve met my husband in college when I was a freshman he is the first and only love of my life. He is 2 1/2 years older than me and was a junior in college. I struggled to pay my first year of college tuition and wasn’t able to go back my second college year. My husband (my boyfriend at the time) decided he wanted to take a break from college, and worked full-time and rented a house. He offered for me to move in with him to help support me to come back to college. We dated through college and graduated together.

Moving forward a decade – We got married, worked professional executive jobs, sold our first home, built our 2nd home on 40 acres, moved out of the city, and had two children. We loved each other and fought with each other. We did not have a great marriage despite how much I wanted one. My husband chose to take many trips with his father several times a year every year taking time off work. He used the excuse that his father was getting older and that this could be his last year. That went on for over 20 years. My husband continued to have golf outings every summer with his best friend and took time off work to do that. My husband worked constantly at home at all hours during the day due to his work being at an international company. I wasn’t a perfect wife, I complained and became upset whenever his trips and outings came around. I was cold and didn’t talk much to him because I always thought I was being taken advantage of. I had to take care of the kids and one of our children had a medical condition that needed constant attention. We weren’t able to get much time away from our kids because no one was able to care for the medical condition.

I did have a heart-to-heart talk with my husband and mentioned to him that he needs to take one day out of the year for ME. I called it the Wife Day but actually used my name. I told him I didn’t care what day just pick one and stick to it every year like he does all his annual trips and outings with his dad and friends. He understood and said he could do that for me. He in 2017 (six years later) finally took me for a night away for a golfing trip. Yes, I love to golf! I was excited we finally got away for the night from our children for the first time since having kids. Our kids were 12 and 14 years old. Better late than never.

However, I wasn’t a happy wife. My husband had been working for almost 9 years away from home for three to four nights a week. This took a toll on our family. I felt terrible for him and I didn’t press much about our one day once a year. Life was difficult for us to get time together as a family. I am grateful my husband didn’t fuss over home projects and lawn. He cared more about having fun like biking, golfing, and riding every weekend.

OK, OK enough about my life story – I had to quite my job when my children were little to care for the medical condition of our daughter. My husband and I were tired of the almost 9 years of living apart part-time. I was trying to get back to work for several years now in 2019. My husband and I were having martial problems for many years but 2018-2019 were the worst. I lost my mother in early 2019 and during that time my husband reached out to an old (girl)friend that had lost her mother in 2018. I didn’t know her or that he was talking to her for many hours a day. She lives in North Carolina and she came to our state and slept with my husband. He liked it so much he traveled to NC to stay with her as I thought he was away at work. I found woman’s earrings in his dress shirt the summer of 2019. I wasn’t sure if it was a female client he worked with and was in his vehicle. I knew he was acting differently.

Men out there reading this – a woman knows – she will always know what you’re up to. You cannot hide from your deceit. I knew something was up. My husband changed his passcode on his iPhone. He never cared about me going on his phone. He tried his hardest to keep the sex out of the picture and told me it was only a friendship and she was helping him with our marriage. As she had martial problems and was divorced. Yes, she did know he was married. I asked to talk to her and had her call me. My husband said no problem but wouldn’t give me her name. That didn’t sound like just a friendship he was worried about. But, I wanted to ask her if she was having sex with my husband. She called me and I asked her the big question. She nervously said, “no.” I could tell she was nervous talking to me. I told her to not lie for my husband. She denied sleeping with him. He denied it. I wanted to believe them, but knew deep down because the way my husband was treating me. He was distant, sex with him was just sex that never happened before after being with him 27 years. I couldn’t prove it. I wouldn’t let up I went through all of our bank records and he kept some from me on an account he closed. I said I want ALL the bank records or I will go to a divorce lawyer.

Let me give you a timeframe of when he was having an affair and when I finally found out the truth. I started realizing my husband had changed on our June 2019 anniversary. He mentioned he knew I wasn’t happy and we should see a marriage counselor on our anniversary. I did not take it well. I accused him right then he must be seeing someone. He became mad and angry at me and caused a fight between us for no reason. Well, actually, he didn’t want to have sex with me on our anniversary probably because he was going out to NC to see his girlfriend for the first time at her house. Well, that is what the bank records show, and he admits when he first went out there on 6/22-6/25. The bank records also showed he had bought her a new $1000 phone on 5/16. The NC girlfriend came to our state 6/3 or 6/4 and my husband spent 2-3 days with her while I worked myself to the bone at home. I was preparing our house for my husband’s co-worker from where he worked away from us and his wife was coming here from Japan. We were having them visit us, and we were going to take them sightseeing that weekend. My husband couldn’t make it home that Friday night (he said he was traveling from a worksite from a clients plant )- but he was with her. So his co-worker traveled from his work area with his wife without my husband – which I thought was weird. But, that was what my husband planned and wanted. I have many other lies I found out, but I didn’t find out the truth about them until a year later.

Even though, I figured these things out way before my husband admitted because he claimed his innocence until he couldn’t any longer. It was finally 11/2021 when the affair partner from NC gave me a text at 10:30 pm that my husband was a liar and a cheat. I was in bed and I said, “Oh no, really?” My husband asked who was that – I showed him the text. He finally was ashamed and knew I finally knew the truth. My husband never wanted me to know the truth because he didn’t want to lose me. Well, that is what he told me. I had written him a 17 page letter in July 2020 explaining to him how important it was for him to come clean for me and us to heal and that I wouldn’t leave him if he told me the truth. I explained it wasn’t fair to keep me in the dark and for him to be deceitful. He wouldn’t tell me anything until she finally admitted it. That was crushing in itself to me.

I have many unresolved feelings and I am sooo angry at times. Yes, we saw two different marriage counselors the first one I walked out on because she believed him that he was telling the truth about not having an affair. She and my husband were texting each other in the evenings at times and that bothered me also. She thought it would be better for us to have a male counselor. Yeah, I guess I am a little touchy about females texting my husband at this point.

It’s off my chest, finally; now people can read my dirty laundry. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I never thought after so many years of knowing my husband and all the years together, I would be in this situation. Unfortunately, I do not love him the way I used to. I will never view our relationship the way I had before. It is dead. Many people explain infidelity in a marriage as a death. That is so correct! The couple that struggled to get through college, find jobs, find places to live, and committed to each other is gone. We are not the same couple, and I struggle each day trying to find what kind of couple we are today. People that are wondering “why stay”. We had two influential teenagers at home at the time when our failing marriage finally emerged in site. I was working full-time, and my husband had just retired. Our oldest was graduating from high school, covid had us locked down, we were concerned about our child’s medical condition, and I was a complete mess trying to find out the truth. I couldn’t prove my husband was having an affair if the affair partner was denying it too. I didn’t want to leave my children and he wasn’t going to leave the home. I had asked him to leave and go back to her since she was what he gave everything up for, but he said he wanted me. I don’t feel lucky in him saying that. In fact, it would be much easier if he had, and I could hate him forever. Instead, I struggle not to hate him and what he did to me and our family. He does try to make me happy, and sadly it is soo late in the game it’s like over. So that is what I struggle with every day. Should I stay or should I go? Is one question I struggle to answer along with what would make me happier – being with him or living w/o him. I am not afraid of being alone. My children are off at college now and have no plans of coming back home. Yeah, I think they have problems with our relationship but my son told me he is glad we stayed together. My daughter wants me to be happy and do what’s best for me! So I don’t have any personal obligations to stay. However, I feel my kids, deep down, want us to stay together. Thanks so much for reading.