Hi everyone. I’ve been married to my husband 7 years, and we have two kids together. We moved to be near my in laws and his immediate family during the pandemic for a better life overall, but also the need for help during shelter in place. 5 years later and this is where we’ll be forever. My mother in law and her husband are basically roommates, they pretty much hate each other and have no relationship. They also have no boundaries with their two children. My husband is 36 and his sibling is mid 40s. MIL is texting or calling my husband all day every day. She asks every day if we’re home or where are we. My husband tells his parents everything, involves them in many decisions we are making, always solicits their opinion to the point where now they think it’s normal to be involved and give their opinions for pretty much every aspect of our lives. I’ve told my husband that if he doesn’t want their opinion, not to tell them everything. I know my husband pushes back sometimes, but he is so deeply rooted in respecting elders that he only pushes to a certain extent. we’ve worked on a lot as a couple when it comes to the in laws involvement, but it feels like my husband still is just conditioned to tell them nearly everything. My MIL also leans on my husband for her emotional needs, and she guilt trips him so often when he doesn’t want to talk or gives negative feedback about how she’s acted. All this to say, the overbearing codependency is so inappropriate and irritates me so much that it makes me get the ick with my husband. My question is what advice would you have for me? I’m hoping to actionable things I can suggest for my husband that don’t make me look like a bitch who wants to dampen his relationship with his parents? He’s used to this behavior because it’s all he’s ever known, but I’m trying to help him understand that it’s not appropriate. Thank you if you’ve made it this far.
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Therapy for him!
Therapy for him, couples therapy, and YOU setting boundaries with your husband and opting out of everything you can with his mom
As others have suggested: therapy. But this is not a one size fits all type of counselling.
Have a search for Dr Les Carter and his YouTube channel. He has a lifetime of helping family members deal with N type personalities and tools in dealing with them. Another well spoken counsellor is Patrick Teahan who has experience dealing with severe parental enmeshment dynamics.
All of your partners behaviours have been instilled in him for much of his adolescent life. His F(amily)O(f)O(rigin) has programmed in ways to accept the treatment. To untangle this learned behaviour is very difficult and risky with (likely) years of dedicated therapy. You are going to be sidelined for a long time with him improving his understanding and then crushing realizations or being ‘hoovered’ with his abusive family members.
Dr R Durversala has a YouTube presence and in the top of this sub is a wiki book list; focus on Dr Susan Forwards guides as well as ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents‘ by Gibson.
> .. things I can suggest for my husband that don’t make me look like a bitch
Unfortunately these are the bumps in the road. Your partner, first, has to *want* to deal with this mess. Likely the lynch pin of the start of getting better, he has to want to become independent of his FoO and be solely committed to his only family (you). This is where we witness the wavering, the indecision, the hot and cold. The back peddling – and partners walking that ultra thin line of appeasing everyone (which never works). It could take weeks.. or likely years to realize that FOG (Fear.. Obligation.. Guilt) and how to navigate from that.
The only person you can control OP, is you. You are going to be looked at the catalyst.. the ‘bad’ guy. MiL and her sidekick are going to have your face on the dart board for every short coming or pretended slight that comes from your direction. Own it. Your marriage depends on it
Hey OP, srsly feel you, in a similar boat here. Boundaries are crucial in ANY relationship, be it with an SO or fam members. It’s about mutual respect, ya know? Remember, you’re a team with your hubby & yeah, while respecting elders is a thing, he gotta respect his partner too. Worth seeing a family therapist maybe? They’d be objective and can give you solid insights to navigate this sitch. Just my 2 cents, but hang in there sis! 🙌👏