I’m the youngest in a family of seven — two parents, three older sisters, and one oldest brother. Growing up, my brother had serious anger issues. He would disrespect my parents, scream at my sisters over little things, and physically abuse me. I remember when I was 11, he took me shopping for shoes, got mad, and punched me in the balls. Between the ages of 6 and 11, he beat me multiple times.
When I was 14, he spit on me during a rage episode because I didn’t do my homework. That same year, he randomly came into my room, smacked me, and told me I was useless. At 17, I told him I wanted to do a manufacturing job. He slapped me, told me to go to college instead, and accused my friends of brainwashing me. At 19, I saved up for a used car. He got mad about it for no reason and told me he’d slit my throat. I snapped and told him I’d kill him — I was just done with him at that point.
Fast forward to the end of last year (i’m 22 he was 34)— we were driving and the light turned green, so I told him, “Go.” He exploded again, telling me he’s the better driver. We argued, I called him insecure and said he was projecting. He claimed I had a vendetta against him. I said, “No, you do,” and eventually told him to shut up. Then he did something unexpected — he cried, hugged me, and apologized. It was the first time he ever did that, and honestly, it made me start to see him differently.
He’s also helped pay for my last two years of college. He says I don’t owe him anything, but I fully plan on paying him back. After telling my mom and sisters how I feel about him, they’ve all reminded me of the good he’s done — and it’s true. He has sacrificed a lot for the family and took on a lot of pressure as the oldest.
I want to do the same — support and provide for my family. But they also constantly get in the way of my life and my freedom. I have a girlfriend they don’t know about, and I don’t plan on telling them. If I’m not home by 10, they start spamming me. It’s frustrating.
So here’s where I need advice:
How should I approach my brother going forward? Should I move out to create space and find peace, or try to repair things while still living with my family?