Struggling with semi-long distance and how to close the gap. I (36m) can’t tell if I am unhappy in my relationship with GF (31F), or fear commitment and change.

I have always been a very independent person, and have not had many long-term serious relationships in the past. My gf and I have been dating for around a year and a half, and while I love her very much, we have been experiencing some struggles that I am having a hard time dealing with. Long story short, she had this expectation that we would be living together already. What has complicated this whole relationship is that we live 90 minutes apart, each have our own houses that we own, and each have certain obligations that would make up and moving very difficult.

Currently I spend pretty much every weekend and one weeknight at her house, which is very small, and has very little room for me to fit in. She has a teenager as well, so it is a tight squeeze with just the two of them as it is. I have a big house and my workshop where I live, and I love it very much. She loves her house and her neighbors. She can’t up and move to where I live due to her work and her kid, so in order for this relationship to work, I would have to move to her. And I have been really struggling with the idea that I might have to do that at some point. And we have been getting in fights lately because she thinks I’m not committing, she hates being alone when I get time at my place, and wants a partner that can be there every day.

I had hoped when we first started dating that she would be able to come to me more often, and we could share time in each other’s world, but due to her obligations, and just general stress about driving, she hasn’t been able to make it to me very often. I have been feeling more and more unhappy in this relationship because I feel like I have had to already give up so much of my free time, being away from all the hobbies and interests and projects that I have going on at my home.

She had this expectation that we would buy a house together, and resents the fact that I think it’s a terrible idea to buy a house with someone you’re not married to and have never actually lived with. She sees that as another example of my lack of commitment. I told her if she wanted to sell her house and could get a place that could fit all three of us, that I would be able to live with her. But she wanted us both to sell our houses and go in on one together. That seems like a pretty drastic move to do with someone you’ve only dating 1.5 years.

I do love her and we have a lot of fun together, but lately I’ve been getting melancholy not being able to do my projects on weekends, learning new skills, seeing my friends. I worry that she may have a different idea of who I am because we spend so much time in her world doing what she wants to do. I’m afraid that what we want for our futures might not match up to what either of us hoped. I’m afraid of losing myself and who I am trying to fit into this box.

I don’t know how to communicate these things with her, and she is an anxious person that has a tendency to take the worst possible meanings from the things I say.

Part of me wishes I could just break up with her, but I can’t bring myself to hurt her, and I don’t know how I would feel going back to being alone all the time, so I don’t know if that is actually what I want either. Any insights or comments or similar situations would be appreciated.

TLDR: GF and I live kind of far apart, she wants to live together, which would require a lot of work and change on my part (selling house, long commute, being away from workshop and projects). I love her, don’t want to lose her or hurt her, but don’t want to lose myself in the process and I don’t know how to deal with it.