I (21f) and my partner (27m) met when I was 16 him 21 I admit I have always preferred older guys, when we met we would party a lot he had a drug problem this continued until I fell pregnant at 17 I obviously sorted myself out grew up and took on the responsibility of having a baby. I had my beautiful girl two days after I turned 18, I delivered by caesarean he was amazing for the first 4 months.
After this he would disappear for days and go partying leaving me with no money and a baby to look after this continued until she was around 1 1/2 when I finally had enough he attacked me in front of her.
So for 6 months he would see her every other week if he showed up. After 6 months he had really sorted himself out we got back together. After a year I fell pregnant with my second baby, I delivered another beautiful baby girl by caesarean.
From the day I found out I was pregnant something changed in him I put it down to stress. I used my savings to pay for therapy for him hoping it would help. I came home from the hospital in a lot of pain there were a few complications with the surgery, not once did he help get up with her in the night, cook dinner, put the washing on, tidy or help with our eldest daughter or help with ANYTHING! So two days after surgery I was doing everything I ended up with two infections due to no rest he decided to go back to work a week later. My youngest is now one not one thing has changed in a year, he will do nothing with the kids nothing to help me, i am so grateful he works but that is constantly thrown in my face. Apparently I do nothing, im lazy, pathetic and useless because I’m home with the kids.
We recently went away with my best friend and her daughter and I’m so embarrassed she has seen the way he speaks to me normally he will put on a show when we are around others. She was so upset about the things he said. He would shout and tell me I don’t deserve to be there because I didn’t pay a penny, he would never take me anywhere again, I couldn’t do it without him because I don’t drive so I should shut up and be grateful. He would shout at our kids as soon as they did something he classes as wrong they are only 3 and 1.
The whole time we have been together I just feel like I’ve been waiting for something to change in the way he treats me, I’m bipolar and not had the easiest start and don’t think much of myself so I really don’t think this helps
I feel so stuck, my 3 year old adores him so I feel like I can’t leave, he makes me feel like I can’t do anything without him. I’m so scared I have a major spinal surgery coming up and I don’t know what I will do if he treats me how he did after I had my daughter! I just feel like I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill over it but now someone else has seen I feel less crazy I just don’t know what to do.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: I (21f) and my partner (27m) met when I was 16 him 21 I admit I have always preferred older guys, when we met we would party a lot he had a drug problem this continued until I fell pregnant at 17 I obviously sorted myself out grew up and took on the responsibility of having a baby. I had my beautiful girl two days after I turned 18, I delivered by caesarean he was amazing for the first 4 months.
After this he would disappear for days and go partying leaving me with no money and a baby to look after this continued until she was around 1 1/2 when I finally had enough he attacked me in front of her.
So for 6 months he would see her every other week if he showed up. After 6 months he had really sorted himself out we got back together. After a year I fell pregnant with my second baby, I delivered another beautiful baby girl by caesarean.
From the day I found out I was pregnant something changed in him I put it down to stress. I used my savings to pay for therapy for him hoping it would help. I came home from the hospital in a lot of pain there were a few complications with the surgery, not once did he help get up with her in the night, cook dinner, put the washing on, tidy or help with our eldest daughter or help with ANYTHING! So two days after surgery I was doing everything I ended up with two infections due to no rest he decided to go back to work a week later. My youngest is now one not one thing has changed in a year, he will do nothing with the kids nothing to help me, i am so grateful he works but that is constantly thrown in my face. Apparently I do nothing, im lazy, pathetic and useless because I’m home with the kids.
We recently went away with my best friend and her daughter and I’m so embarrassed she has seen the way he speaks to me normally he will put on a show when we are around others. She was so upset about the things he said. He would shout and tell me I don’t deserve to be there because I didn’t pay a penny, he would never take me anywhere again, I couldn’t do it without him because I don’t drive so I should shut up and be grateful. He would shout at our kids as soon as they did something he classes as wrong they are only 3 and 1.
The whole time we have been together I just feel like I’ve been waiting for something to change in the way he treats me, I’m bipolar and not had the easiest start and don’t think much of myself so I really don’t think this helps
I feel so stuck, my 3 year old adores him so I feel like I can’t leave, he makes me feel like I can’t do anything without him. I’m so scared I have a major spinal surgery coming up and I don’t know what I will do if he treats me how he did after I had my daughter! I just feel like I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill over it but now someone else has seen I feel less crazy I just don’t know what to do.
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Look at your relationship, now picture what he’s saying to you and replace yourself with your daughter. are you ok with that? would you be ok with her accepting it? because you’re teaching her that it is OK to be treated that way by staying. she can adore him on visitation with you apart as easily as she asks him now
It sounds like you’re doing everything alone anyway, you should leave him after you recover, go to a legal aid office and file for custody, file for child support at the same time. If all he’s contributing is financially, he can do that from a distance. Kids are resilient, your babies will be alright, and they’ll won’t be raised to think it’s okay to accept that behavior from a man
Leave him and start living your own life for yourself and your child. You’ve never been alone as an adult, not for 5 fucking minutes. Don’t you want to see what life can be like when you’re in control? Not mom and dad, not some douchebag man, you! Or are you really trying to play house miserably for the rest of your life?
You are stuck in an abusive relationship. It makes sense you feel embarrassed after your friend got an honest look at what your relationship is like, its going to make his mistreatment of you harder to hide. He has years of pattern that tell you he is not going to support you through surgery and you know that. He isn’t going to change and it will likely only get worse, especially if you continue to have health issues or more children. If you have supportive friends and family please please please start talking to folks about helping and supporting you through this upcoming surgery. You cannot do it alone and you also cannot rely on this man to help or support you either. This is not normal, this is not how your partner and father of your children should be treating you or children. You 3 y/o adores him because they are too young to understand his behavior (make no mistakes though, baby brains are wildly absorbent and they are aware of and can be affected by the yelling and abuse at this age), do you want your children to grow up think his behavior is normal and acceptable from their partners? The best possible thing you can do for yourself and your children is leave. I hope you are able to get there and that you have the support to do so sooner rather than later.
Your girls are learning how they will be treated by men. Violence and abuse is being normalised for them.
You’re making excuses for him, and showing your kids an unhealthy dynamic.
Let’s put aside your daughter for the moment…do you want your son growing up to treat women this way?
Because adoring an abuser is a quick path to becoming an abuser.
And this is abuse. No matter how you feel about yourself, this is not okay, and it’s even worse as an example for your children.
A 16 year old is what? Sophomore? Junior in HIGH SCHOOL. A 21 year old is (old enough to be) a college graduate.
Your made has been a red flag from the start. You truly sound like you have your shit together and have been a good mom to your girls. As others have said, you’re already doing everything. He’s an anchor. Show your girls how to behave when you value yourself and work on a plan to leave this dude.
You deserve so much better. You might not feel like it right now, but you do.
Do you really want your girls to see him talking to you like that when they get old enough to understand?
Set an example for them, don’t let him continue to speak to you like this. Get yourself out of there. You’ll figure it out. You had the strength to clean yourself up, and stepped up for your kids, the first time. You can do it again.
Go back to school part time or get employment. Do whatever you need to get yourself independent so you are able to afford to leave.
Just lady go get some help. Seems like one bad decision after another
You need to contact some womens shelters because this is not good for you at all. He”s a deadbeat and abusive so he deserves none of your praise.
I’ve never been in an abusive relationship, so I pray my advice does not sound tone deaf but here it is
You can do this! I promise you, you can.
Whenever you doubt yourself just remember your babies deserve better. I’m praying for you mama. Please update!
So your teaching your girls it’s ok
To be with abusers. You can and should leave. God so many kids who have lived through this wish the parents would have just split. You’re harming your children. Read “the body keeps the score.”
You’re setting a terrible example for your girls.
Do better.
Objectively, this man is a predator and abusive. He swooped in when you were a child because adult women would not put up with his abusive and unacceptable behavior. He groomed you into accepting treatment no one should accept because he knew you were young and vulnerable.
You need to get someone else to take care of you after the spinal surgery or he might compromise your health permanently again like he did after your second child was born.
You need to look into battered women shelters and services in your area. If you are in the United States, call 211 to discuss your options. You need to get out of this relationship for your own sake but also for the sake of your children. You are modeling how women should be treated and what is acceptable. It’s going to be hard. But it’s definitely doable.
When I was a child, my mother who only had a high school education and was a stay at home mother left my alcoholic father, went back to nursing school at a technical college, working at Target to get through. It was very difficult, but we got through and now she’s had a long career in the medical field. You can do something like this too. Remember anything is possible one tiny step at a time.
Are you married to this man? It sounds like he was grooming you from the start. In some states he could be thrown in jail for a relationship with a 16 year old.
Get the heck out now. Contact your local domestic violence center to establish a getaway plan. Each day, he at work pack the absolute essentials, so you have them. Will your friend store them for you? The verbal abuse will only get worse. It might lead to physical violence. Ask yourself what type of help you will have after this major surgery?
Your local hospital has a case manager or social worker who can help you. Ask for and the darn help. It is not just about you. Those babies shouldn’t be exposed to this.
Two kids by 20 with a shitty, abusive deadbeat who you refuse to stop enabling and leave.
Some of the best people I know worry about having kids. They want to make sure they’re financially and emotionally stable so they can do the best for their kid. They’re so worried about messing up a hypothetical child.
Then there’s people like this. Who keep popping out kids with zero regard for the kids’ wellbeing.
The damage you have caused to those poor girls by modeling this relationship for them will last forever. Look up the ages at which they absorb these things and you’ll understand.
You’re teaching them that abuse is normal. That’s all you’re doing.
I feel so so bad for these kids.
You don’t stay with an abuser because your 3-year old adores him. 3-year olds do not have the mental awareness to make adult choices. You aren’t even married to this guy, who should never have touched you in the first place.
Are your parents or other relatives in a position to take you in for a year or two while you have surgery and do what you need to do to get a career going? Do you need a GED? Is there a community college in the area where you can train to do nursing, plumbing, culinary arts, even barbering and cosmetology? Our local CC also has 100% online programs and certificate programs that you can do while you’re home with the kids. They’re not as expensive as 4-year college but they are a perfect way to get yourself into a career, especially if you pick something that can’t be outsourced, like any of those I’ve mentioned. You have a whole life ahead of you and you had the strength to get out of there after baby 1 was born. You can do it again.
He’s never going to change; that was your mistake when you took him back. You were young and you didn’t understand what he is. He is an abuser with addiction problems. The person who needs therapy because she can be saved and that will save her children is YOU. You can file for child support immediately. If you were married, you could have gotten rehabilitative alimony to go to school. But child support may be enough for you to live somewhere with a relative or a good friend while you have the surgery and recover so you can get some training for work.
Start by talking frankly with your best friend. It will be easier to plan to leave if you have someone to remind you that you are not crazy or making a mountain out of a molehill. And it will help you immensely if you realize that you are still very young and your perspective is not informed by years of adult life without an abuser. Please update when you can.
Jesus this will be the hardest thing ever but pack the bags and leave, Doods trash and will continual to be trash.
Stop waiting and hoping for change. Its not coming.
Get someone else to be with you after your spinal surgery -for like a week or two. That’s NO joke. And he clearly will NOT be helping you with anything. If you re-injure your spine…. there’s no fixing that. And he isn’t worth you becoming wheelchair bound unnecessarily, he just isn’t. He shouldn’t be supporting you in every way possible and you him. At the very least, he should be kind to you…. and to your children. He sounds like he’s unhappy with himself and letting out on everyone else. Best of luck!!
Firstly, amazing job at recognizing these harmful things and seeking help / info. That’s a big step in the right direction.
This is an abusive relationship that is starting to lose its mask. In your favour believe it or not. The fact he was so blatantly rude to you in front of your friend means he no longer cares and is starting his process into isolating you and your daughters. This works in your favour because now you have a witness to his behavior.
I would recommend you start to open up to others around you. Family, friends etc.
Start to document everything text messages, incidents where he has spoken to you or your girls in a malicious way etc. Keep copies. This will help you later.
Find an agency to help guide you. This is important because it is going to be hard and you will need the push to make it through to the other side.
These are your stepping stones because, sweetie, this boy is destroying you and unfortunately you are unable to see this right now but he is also slowly destroying your babies too.
Something I always stuck to was “Two happy homes are better than one unhappy home”. As your babies grow they will need a safe space and it won’t be him. Make their safe space you.
Please do not let bipolar be the reason you believe you can’t have a happy life. You 100% can, I have seen it. Bipolar is not you. Yes it shapes the way you think / act etc but through the right channels and support you will learn how to manage it safely with happiness as your reward.
Please consider starting your journey out of this relationship. For yourself and your babies.
You are NOT crazy.
You are NOT making a mountain out of a mole hole.
This IS very real.
You ARE surviving the best way you know how to right now.
Be kind to yourself.
I wish you the absolute best with strength as your power.
Good luck, I’m rooting for you.
You didn’t “always like older men.” You were a child and this man took advantage. He groomed you.
You didn’t “fall pregnant” at 16. He committed statutory rape. You were a minor. A child. He took advantage of you.
He never wanted to be a father. He has made that clear by not stepping up.
He does not respect you. He made that clear by treating you like a 2nd class citizen.
He does love you or even like you. He made that crystal clear
He has no intention of being there for you. He proved that already.
He is abusive. He proved that already.
He will only get worse and will never get better. That is how abusive relationships work. He is an abuser. The only cure for that is leaving him and making sure he pays child support.
You’re in an abusive relationship. Of course he says those awful things to you. It’s one way he controls you so you don’t leave him. He’s insecure so he has to smek you even more insecure.
You’re selling yourself short. Ask your friend if she can help you leave him and then make a plan. Just don’t tell him you’re leaving. Find somewhere to go even if it’s a women’s shelter. Stop getting pregnant. File for child support.
You can learn to drive if the public transportation system isn’t good where you live. You don’t even need to take professional lessons if you can find someone to teach you. Good time to practice is early Sunday morning when the roads are empty.
Do you have any where to go, anyone to live with? Of so, get out and take the babies. Learn to drive and get government assistance. They can help with childcare, food. Get a job. I know it will be hard but not as hard as your current living situation. The only person who can help your situation is you!