So I am in my early 40’s as is my DH. We have an almost 2 year old son together and I have 2 kids in their 20’s and am a MIL and grandmother myself. When we found out I was pregnant my MIL immediately went to the storage building and pulled out all of her deceased daughter’s baby clothes. I will say it unnerved me to the core. When we found out it was a boy she was upset but went back to the storage shed and pulled out all of my DH baby clothes. She began telling me where he would go to school, planning a nursery in her home, and went so far as to tell me she “made my husband marry me”….
She dictated everything and is a completely enmeshed mother to her 2 grown sons. My entire pregnancy was terrible. I wasnt having our baby I was having her baby. She insisted on being there for the birth which I didn’t allow anybody but my husband at the hospital because I knew she would make me angry and push herself to the front and hold my son before I got to hold him. I JUST WANTED A PEACEFUL BIRTH AND TO BOND WITH MY BABY…… ended up with an emergency C-section and didnt react well to anastesia. When i was finally vaguely coherent 6 hours later and I was able to hold my son she had already announced his birth and everything and sent pictures to everybody. She demanded to stay inpur home for 6 weeks after we brought him home but i shut that down immediately. When i was nursing she started talking about her milk coming in….. wtf… you are in your 70’s…. When he was 3 months old I had to return to work. I had care for him planned so as he would be near me during the day as I worked out of town a good way. But nooooo she demanded to keep him and I was forced to allow her too. I quit working when he was 9 months old because she never put him down. NEVER… if he cried when she put him in his playpen she got in with him and stayed there all day. One day I put him in it and when he screamed because God forbid he not be held she looked at me and said I just think it’s so cute when he does that….. I don’t think it’s cute not even remotely. I hate it and I am having such a hard time with him I am putting him in a preschool readiness program. It is 5 days a week and he is required to be there by 8:30 every morning. Now I don’t travel to work anymore but I do work from home and he makes that extremely difficult since he had to be touching me at all times and lord forbid I walk out of the room. She seldom watches him because she only wants him during nap time and we’ll just no thanks I don’t need you during that time. Well she came over and told me she would be keeping him all week next week….. no ma’am he starts school Monday morning. She lost her mind telling me how I was taking her baby, and she needs him, and she will watch him every day for free blah blah blah….. no ma’am this is not negotiable he is going. He is already enrolled and I have already paid for 6 weeks up front. Well I’m going to go get him and keep him 2 days a week. No ma’am you will not be on his paperwork. She storms off screaming and crying. At this point I resent my child because he always cries for her when I don’t let him do whatever he pleases. When his dad gets home if one or the other leaves a room he screams bloody murder and I just can’t anymore. He is a spoiled rotten brat and I am angry at her. I know he is just a baby and it’s not his fault. I know that but I also know he was not allowed to bond with me and I am so very resentful of my MIL and my husband and the entire situation that I have often thought about walking away entirely.
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I have a feeling this is a massive husband problem, deal with that first.
You have both a SO problem and a MIL problem but you have to fix the SO problem first
Well, this was hard to read. I’m so sorry for your baby and I hope you get the mental health help you need.
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Cut off your mother-in-law permanently, your husband too, if necessary, but you will solve the problem with your son. This is the only problem that is actually your responsibility. The woman has kidnapped your motherhood, but you need to rescue her back, for the sake of your child’s mental health in the future.
I’m so sorry for you and your baby. I highly recommend counseling for you and your husband to start setting firm boundaries with his mom and take a HUGE break from her. The screaming and crying when she doesn’t get her way is how your toddler acts… She has done damage to your child’s ability to emotionally regulate and I hope you can forgive him and help give him a healthier connection to you. It is not to late, mama. YOU were coerced into this dynamic and your poor child didn’t have a choice in bonding to or depending on an emotionally unstable woman who used him for her own emotional gratification and needs. She sounds like she treated your child as a pet more than a tiny- human-in-training.
I know you’re angry and hurt and you justifiably feel robbed, but you aren’t helpless. You’re shining your spine and setting down the law, you have more fight in you, mama. Don’t give up on the boy.
Your husband needs to shine his spine. This is his mess to clean up.
If you seriously reduce LO’s time with her, he will bond with you better. And quite frankly, it would be healthier for you all if she wasn’t around as much. I hope that can happen (good plan to have him a day or 2 a week). Your child, she had her time already.
First I see you highly stressed because of it. Being mad on your baby is no way but medication and herbs is a better option. You need to rebound with your baby and only then you can slowly start to teach him be independent. I’d recommend you occupational therapist and just join a group for mums who are trying to bound with their babies, maybe join swimming lessons with your LO. Then SO and MIL. As you noticed he’s enmeshed. So he needs an individual therapy (so as you for your postpartum depression and to help you bound with your baby). And couple therapy. MIL should not be in the picture. Only on a big days like a day or two after Christmas, a day or two after LO’s birthday and etc.
You won’t make any headway with your baby unless you cut MIL out. LO needs to know that crying for her isn’t an option. Make an appointment with a pediatrician who can recommend behavioral therapy for you and LO.
It is time to put your foot down. LO will never be able to emotionally regulate with mother-in-law in the picture.
Your baby isnt a spoiled rotten brat, he was let down by his mother and father and allowed to be raised by an incompetent elderly woman. Ye created this mess so don’t blame a child who doesn’t know any better. You put him into this environment. Maybe try some parenting classes and some therapy, you seem to be extremely angry towards an infant, he will feel that resentment and will not want to come to you. Tell MIL to go away and let you parent, ye are not children ye make the rules
This isn’t a MIL problem, your husband caused 100% of this whole situation! If he had told her NO like a good parent/spouse, your child wouldn’t be this way. I suspect you have tons of resentment towards him. In your shoes, probably would be a good idea to do some counseling to help work through your anger. Also, I’d have zero qualms in giving my husband an ultimatum. Either he cuts his mommy off or I’d consider separating. To me he is more complicit in creating who your son is today by allowing his mother to help raise him when you were against it.
This is terrible and I hope you get some help and support for yourself. Your comments about feeling like walking away sound to me like you could have some postpartum depression. Please consider talking to your doctor or seeing a therapist so you’ll be able to love and bond with your baby. You might also learn some techniques for standing up to your husband and MIL – it sounds like they’re steamrolling over you.