TL;DR: We’re moving and want to invite Dad to the in-law suite, without making him feel like an old man.
My (28f) dad (78) is fiercely independent and doing great, having only retired a few years ago. His health has not been the best lately and it’s making me think about next steps – meanwhile he’s asking my brother (25) to help him set up a website for his new consulting business. Still sharp despite the health issues.
When a close friend of his passed away recently, Dad was feeling very vulnerable and shared that he doesn’t know what comes next for him, where he’s going, if he can afford a nursing home, etc. He “doesn’t want to be a burden” but frankly having to worry about him at a distance is more burdensome. He’s renting a home an hour away from me and my younger brother is staying there. I’d be stressed if he was alone, but I don’t want my brother to feel trapped there forever.
Husband and I have agreed that we’re open to Dad living with us. We’re already planning to move in the fall to be closer to everyone, and now thinking about looking for a house to rent with a second apartment, with the plan to invite Dad to stay in the in-law suite (so he’s independent but still close). We need to discuss this because if he’s unwilling to rent the basement apartment, we can’t afford to rent a full house and would go smaller. My dream situation is we rent two houses side by side, but alas my lottery tickets aren’t supporting that plan yet.
The question: How do I broach this? I don’t want to do anything to harm or reduce his independence. I don’t want to inadvertently send the message of “I SEE YOU AS AN OLD MAN NEEDING A BABYSITTER”. I just want him to be safe and have a plan. Help?? I don’t feel like a real adult myself, never mind qualified to parent my parent.
Comments
Ask him advice for a real friend in a similar situation and see what he says
I’d bring it up to Dad what your plans are, so when he’s ready to “ downsize “ he can be close. Not him moving in because he needs help but merely downsizing.
Since he’s currently doing so well, maybe buy the house with an in-law suite and let him know that it’s for him whenever he wants/needs it.
You’re answering your own question.
“Dad shared that he doesn’t know what comes next for him”
Sample dialogue:
“Hey dad, I got to thinking after you mentioned you’re not sure what is next that maybe this could be an option….”
Keep it light and casual.
I am 78 and very similar to your father. My husband passed away 3 years ago. I have a house I love that he built. The yard work etc is getting to be too much for me and I don’t want to drive very much anymore.
My wonderful daughter and son in law are selling their place and having a garden suite built at my place.
Talk to your dad, he may be very relieved to hear about the in-law suite.
Just be honest about the reasons and let him also know that you’ll give him all the privacy & freedom he needs or wants.
Do Not try to manipulate him into anything.
Say it – Dad, would you ever be interested in all of us renting a house with 2 suites?
It might help both of us. We can’t afford a place like that on our own plus we are nearby if you ever need help. And hopefully one day you will.
Address All the potential conflicts and discuss how they might be handled.
Privacy
Noisy kids
Noisy adult night activity, both ways
His guests, your guests
Parking
Vacations
Etc etc
Just get everything out there and assure everyone that if it doesn’t work out for all, no hard feelings.
Please give him the respect to consult with him vs deciding what’s best for him.
You mentioned your brother. Maybe have a family meeting (dad, you and husband, brother) to discuss the situation. Your brother might be happy living with dad for now, but he is looking to move on his own in some time frame. Talk about your plans to move and the possibility of dad moving in. You could talk about what ifs. Nothing set in stone, but the conversation started and then revisit it periodically as leases are coming up for renewal, etc.
If you talk about what his plans are, what your plans are, what he’s comfortable with, you’ll set the groundwork for future discussions. Then, if something happens where you need to make decisions, you’ll already have an idea of what will work. Also at some point start to discuss POA, both for Healthcare and in general – dad needs to enable one of you to be able to make decisions if something were to happen to him. Also, wills or trusts.
A basement apartment is not the place for an old man because of the risk of a fall on the stairs.
Your lotto comment had me thinking. In today’s roller coaster economy, you’ll need to DIVERSIFY. Invest in lotto, but also consider scratch-offs and Pick-6. PS; I envy your “wanting” to have dad close to you! I never felt that love.
You could let him feel that he’s helping you.
Let him know that you like this house but it’s a bit expensive and it would help you if he rented with you.