I have not seen my MIL since February/April. Reference “Another Visit From Hell <3"
MIL is on her same bullshit, treating DH like her boyfriend. Recently, we traveled to our home state (where she moved away from to be closer to DH), she told us/him about a year ago when we go to home state to let her know so that she can come too, we went over how disrespectful (bc she takes time away from them) that is to family that doesn’t live 45 min away from us, they live 7hrs and don’t see us that often. She thought it wasn’t disrespectful, ok.
When we went this time we didn’t tell her, and usually DH will tell her eventually in passing which I think is fine? There’s no reason to text your mother when you’re 30 years old to say “Hey I am going to see my dad” but if they were to chat otp and she asks “What are you up to?” and then the answer is “Oh just in home state visiting my dad”. Which this didn’t get to happen because my dad posted a picture of our dog on his FB saying how he was excited she was visiting, we didn’t think anything of it until MIL sent DH a text:
“I hope you are back home safe and well. Thank you so much for treating me this way and showing me how much you care and appreciate your fking mom. I guess this is what happens when you give someone your heart and soul. I don’t recognize you anymore.”
I personally thought the above was because he said he was going to call her and didn’t, which he does to everyone in his life, so he said “Sorry I didn’t call when I said I was going to” and then he added something about her being manipulative in her texts and to stop guilt tripping him and she said:
“It’s not about if you called me when you said you would, it’s about you traveling and you know how much I worry. Those texts aren’t guilt tripping or manipulative, but you if you think so that’s not my fault. I don’t recognize you anymore, maybe it’s just me thinking so highly of you and having illusions of you. It’s ok I will somehow deal with it” DH didn’t respond
Fast forward, I am currently 9 weeks pregnant. We told my parents, my FIL and step MIL and we have been going back and forth on how to tell MIL. DH went to see her this past Sunday and before he went up we were talking about telling her and what that would look like. I told him the thing I am having a hard time with telling her is that she is going to pretend she gives a fk about me now and I am not going to oblige. I was trying to explain to him the time to have a relationship with ME was two years ago when we got married but instead she picked to reprimand me at every visit she has ever seen me at.. . He told me he didn’t understand why I am like this and if she were to try to have a relationship with me why wouldn’t I be open to it. I tried to explain it any other way I could but felt like I was hitting a brick wall every time trying to explain my thought process to him. Her “caring” about me would be FAKE.. I just wasn’t sure how that wasn’t making any sense.
He said “Well what if I don’t tell her and she tries before we tell her we’re pregnant” we’re telling friends around 14 weeks, so how tf would she try in 5 weeks if she hasn’t tried in 2 years?? I kept telling him that I am sure this is hard, you are stuck in the middle and you feel like this has to be “fixed” but I have tried multiple times on my end to get coffee with her, lunch, a walk in the park and she always said no… so I was confused on what she wanted from me. The last time I saw her, we had this same conversation and she said I don’t put effort into her, I turned to my DH and said “In your eyes, what does a relationship look like with me and your mom?” and he said “The way you are with my dad and step mom” and then he explained to his mom how my relationship with them is, I call them on my own, I text with them in a group chat and on the side etc. Her response was “That’s weird, I don’t want that” A separate time, I tried to get lunch with her and she said “I don’t want to because what would we even talk about” and she’s totally valid to have her opinion but then WTF DO YOU WANT FROM ME??? YOU WANT ME TO LOOK LIKE THE BAD GUY?? IDGAF IM EXHAUSTED.
I am totally fine with her not having a relationship with me, I know it hurts DH because it’s his mom. I just want her to be honest, she does not care about me (WHICH IS FINE) but I am exhausted with the “you don’t even try” and then I try and then she says I didn’t and then she says she texts me all the time and I don’t respond (which is true now but wasn’t when she said this). That being said, I don’t want her being a fake ass and calling me all the time bc I am pregnant, she is a stranger to me.
I tried to tell DH that I know he wants to fix this but it’s been two years and I am exhausted, and MIL says all the time “Idk what I did to OP” which she said this visit AGAIN and DH had a list and got it out and MIL said “Well I have a list of what OP has done to ME” and DH said “Great email it to me” …. no email has been sent. I was trying to tell DH that I know he wants to fix it and have a perfect world where we all get along, but we have to be realistic… she tells us all the time she isn’t going to change and she isn’t the problem and he should be prepared for this to be the “normal”. At the most recent visit, he told her to stop texting him like he’s her boyfriend and she’s too demanding emotionally. She cried and said there’s nothing wrong with the way she texts him and eventually told him she would work on it… she then the NEXT DAY had a flight and said to him “I love you and miss you so much already” ok
He didn’t end up telling her and said he was just going to send her a text of the sonogram on Monday, but didn’t do that. I didn’t ask why he didn’t because maybe he forgot and honestly I didn’t want to remind him.
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Other posts from /u/Weary_Literature8962:
The manipulation is CRAZY, 2 months ago
MIL inviting herself over more lately, 2 months ago
Passive “notes” to me from JNMIL, 4 months ago
Another Visit from Hell <3, 5 months ago
Another MIL visit prep session, 8 months ago
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When you do tell her it will get worse. She seems to be entangled in one-way emotional incest with your husband. So you have to be firm in your boundaries and your husband has to be on board with respecting them first between the two of you, and then enforcing them with her.
With emotionally unstable older women like this, the baby is a harbinger of a reality in which she is not in control – even if she never was, she thinks she has say and sway – and she will implode. It happens all the time. So be prepared and be strong and protect your peace
Pregnancy is stressful enough, you don’t need extra drama.
I think couples counseling to navigate this dynamic would be beneficial for you two. Clearly he’s struggling with coming to terms with who his mom is, and your need to protect your peace. A professional could help get through to him.
Your husband has to stand up for you and recognize that his mother is the one that she doesn’t want an amicable relationship with you. His mom seem manipulative and selfish, which obviously makes things harder for both of you since your husband’s feels guilty.
You tried, you reach out to her and she didn’t respond. Now you know that after the effort that you have put into her, she’s not gonna reciprocate to you. Just tell your husband that if she really cared about him and his true happiness, she will try to have a relationship with you.
Do not engage more and stress yourself over her, she has letting you know that she doesn’t care about you so you should do the same. Your husband has to recognize that his mom it’s not being reasonable and it’s not respecting his marriage, she failed to him not you.
Congrats on the baby.
You’re husband isn’t “in the middle”, there is no middle in a marriage. If it’s not completely supporting you, then he’s on his mother’s side. That’s not a healthy relationship dynamic for any of you. Did your wedding vows include forsaking all others? Did he make an exception for his mother? Sounds like he did.
She’s not supposed to recognize him as an adult if she has accepted that he is an adult with a wife. Becoming an adult, and independent being, changes you. Parents are supposed to accept that, get to know the new version of the person so they all can move forward as self-sufficient adults. Your MIL is stuck in her mommy role and your husband is stuck in his son role. Until your husband decides to accept his roles as adult, husband and father-to-be, you’re not going to get anywhere with him.
I don’t think he forgot. I think he knows telling her will unleash hell, and he just doesn’t want to admit that. Your husband is longing for a version of his mother that doesn’t exist. He really needs therapy to navigate that. Your impending LO will bring up a lot of emotions for him and he may want to repair things so your MIL can have a relationship with the baby. You will need strong boundaries. Everything you said here is completely valid. She will be nice to you but it’s not because she wants a relationship with you or cares about you – it’s because she wants access to your child.
He wants to know if it would change your stance of mil suddenly became friendly before you give her the news? Translation: he is going to tell her and ask her to kiss up to you and pretend she doesn’t know yet. Your SO is not fully on your side.
DH is in La La land. The reason your relationship with his dad/stepmom looks so different is because they WANT a relationship with you and treat you accordingly, and as a result it’s natural for you to reciprocate. His mom doesn’t want a relationship with you nor does she even pretend to so there’s no point in you making the effort. If he can’t see and understand that he’s not very smart.
She’s acting like a child. She’s the mom. Her role is to welcome you into the family. She’s the one who’s supposed to make more effort and make you comfortable. She’s way too attached to her son. It’s fcking weird. Her feelings are NOT his responsibility. She needs therapy.
You seriously don’t need to have a close relationship with her and he needs to come to terms with that. You have a good relationship with his dad and stepmom. You both know you’re not the problem. He’s needs therapy and a backbone. He needs to protect your peace and put you first. He needs to stop having expectations of her being an unselfish/supportive mother and accept who she is. Aka needy AF.
I hate that he’s not connecting the dots. Would it make any more sense if you put it as what if you and your dad were NC and you won the lottery and he all of a sudden started talking to you again and trying to be friends with you. Would you think it’s genuine or would you think he wants money from your winnings?
I would tell him that she has had enough opportunity and every time it’s been you trying to lead the repair, you’re not interested in being around her but more than happy to be around his other family. As for his mother, there has been a line drawn over the whole situation now, you’ve experienced the last 2 years not having her in your life and it’s been exponentially better than having her around, it’s bliss without her there so why would you want to change that? You don’t want someone being fake nice to get access to the baby you are growing inside you and that you are putting your life on the line to give birth to. He is welcome to have a relationship with her but you will not even be discussing her moving forwards.
Side note – if you exclusively breastfeed, he can’t ever suggest taking baby to meet her without you being present.
would it help to make things less ambiguous for your DH? would it help to tell him what you are willing and not willing to do? It seems that he might benefit from structure. After all, his mom is volatile and exhausting and it might be nice to have firm boundaries on your side.
I’ve read your posts. I think you’ve done a great job so far handling your extremely emotionally immature MIL. Your relationship with her does not have to change just because you are having a baby.
If it were me (given your posts), my boundaries, which I’d share with DH, would be something like this:
(but, you come up with what works best for you. you’ve got this! you’ve already done a fabulous job! But most importantly, congratulations!)
Don’t tell her until you’re ready, and don’t expect genuine interest from someone who’s shown zero effort in two years. Let DH handle it, or don’t bother.
If she’s spent two years proving she doesn’t care about you, pregnancy news isn’t some magical personality transplant. Tell her when you’re ready, on your terms, and let DH handle whatever drama follows.
She doesn’t want a relationship with you, just control over DH. Drop the rope and protect your peace.
No relationship with you, no relationship with your baby. MIL will reap what she has sown.
Therapy for your hubby, who seems to be a fantasist, may be in order soon.
Tell her when you come home from the hospital with your baby. Or when you get settled in at home with your baby, 3 weeks or 3 months.
Once she visits her son he has to do all of the hosting and entertaining her. If she doesn’t follow your rules or respect you, she needs to leave ASAP.
Plus she does not get any alone time with your baby. Spend most of your time with your baby locked in your bedroom. Better yet, make her rent a hotel room with set visiting hours after her son his home from work.
She will absolutely lose her marbles when she finds out you’re pregnant. She will definitely see it as her do over child and a way to get even closer to your husband. You probably do have to tell her, since you are in contact with her. But you and your husband should first come to an agreement about what level of involvement she will have in your child’s life and then release info/treat her accordingly.
Saying “I dont know why you’re like this” is extremely dismissive of everything you have been through and quite frankly rude.
He does know, he emailed her a list of what she’s done and he can go look at it!
I have no doubt he is going to push and push and push through any means of manipulation and guilt for you and the baby to have a relationship with her.
Im not saying this to bash him, he clearly knows she’s a problem but he is also clearly blinded by the fantasy he has in his head of the relationship with her that will never happen, and right now he thinks having a baby is going to make that fantasy family relationship possible and YOU are whats in his way. If you give any inch in this, he will take a mile and blame you (as will his mother) when you try to put up boundaries. “I dont know why you are like this”, i cant stress enough how angry this statement makes me on your behalf and how much of a red flag it is for yours and your child’s future.
Let’s not forget his ideal image is the same relationship you have with his father and stepmother…….if you have created that relationship with them them then how are you the problem?? The changed factor is HER.
This has to be addressed ASAP and a proper set of rules and boundaries written up (I am serious about writing them down together so there’s no twisting it later). Because things will start sooner than you realize, baby shower, gifts for the nursery/baby, parenting advice, wanting to be in the delivery room, wanting to stay with you after the birth “to support her son”, babysitting, jealousy of other grandparents, etc.
I truly believe from what you’ve said that your husband can be a good supportive partner and father if this is very firmly tackled now. But right now hes straying from that path without realizing and sacrificing your peace and happiness in an attempt to appease her. He is not in the middle, he is YOUR partner and his priority and responsibility is to YOU and your baby.