For context, I’m a child of divorce and I’m 17F. For the first 15 or so years of our lives, me and my sister have had half-and-half custody with our parents, meaning that we’re basically at our mom’s when she’s not working at our dad’s when she is.
Back in October of last year, my dad and stepmom “encouraged” me to move in with them almost full-time because my mom is “narcissistic” and I’m always stressed out when I’m with her. I was very much on the fence, but I was kind of terrible at standing up for myself so I agreed to live at my dad‘s almost full-time. During the school year I was only at my mom’s every other weekend because my dad “doesn’t trust my mom with picking me up from school”. This summer I went back to half-and-half because there was no school.
In a month, my mom, sister, and I are moving back to the town that my dad lives in and that I go to school in. A few weeks ago, I asked my dad if I can go back to half-and-half during the school year once my mom moves, he gave a definitive no. I asked him why and he gave a bunch of nonsense about how the move is probably not going to happen because my mom “isn’t responsible enough to own a house”. My mom has been renting houses since 2018. My mom has been able to buy a house for three years now. He thinks if the house we wanna get falls through then she will just give up.
At this point, I’m sick of my dad and stepmom bashing my mom because of her finances. She had to sell our childhood home because of the divorce. Not only do they bash my mom, but they also get mad at me for the tiniest, most stupidest things. They say I’m always stressed out when I’m at my mom’s. Maybe that’s because they’re texting me about how upset they are at me and then I’m not able to enjoy my time at my mom‘s because I’m so stressed about what I’m in trouble for.
Anyways, I have decided that I’m going to go against his word and go back to half custody after the move. I am going to have to tell him soon and he is going to be incredibly upset. I have a feeling him and my stepmom are going to manipulate me into feeling incredibly guilty. I know that in the past, I’ve been terrible at standing up for myself, but I have to try this time. In the end, he can’t control where I live. The court can’t control where I live because I am over 16. I will be happier when I am at my mom‘s more and I don’t care if that hurts his feelings. If anything, he hurt my feelings because he wanted me to turn down my dream job because it is half an hour away from his house. Well, I took it and because of that, I can only work when I’m with my mom.
Thanks for all this stress, Dad. Although you think all the stress comes from my mom.
Comments
You are right to stand up for yourself. At 17 you get to choose where you live, prioritize your happiness and well being
Maybe you should spend more time at your mom’s than you do at your dad’s.
Alors, allez. Tu as l’age pour prend tes propres choix. Meme si ton pere vas te dire n’importe quoi, c’est encore ton choix.
Talk to your Dad about his terrible habit of shit-talking your mother.
Accusing your mom of being a narcissist who stresses you out is clearly projection.
He knows what he is. You should not feel guilty. You’re allowed to have feelings and you don’t need to put his feelings first. You’re the child, your needs are most important
Yo chat i cameo in this post
Seriously tho, I(the aforementioned sister) wish they would sort their shit out before they drive you away like they did to me. These past 15 years have been the craziest roller-coaster of back and forth bullshit from them and Ill be here to help you with them in any way i can.
Ask your mom what changes in the financial arrangements depending on where you primarily live. It might reveal an interesting money trail and reason for them to manipulate you to live with them.
Also, look up the signs of a narcissist and see if they line up with your dad.
You don’t need to ask your dad if it ok to live with your mom. You just do it. He can be mad and stay mad but don’t let him get comfortable controlling your life like this.
Bestie can I punch ur dad? Slowly reaches for my rings
Father and stepmother seem a bit manipulative saying “stressed out at mums” I call bullshite there. I would distance yourself for a while if you can and spend more time with mum.
You not only need to tell him where you’re going to live but I think you need to tell him and stepmom that you will no longer entertain any negative talk about your mother. If you’re on the phone and they start bad mouthing your mom, hang up. If they do it in your presence, go to your room and close the door OR better still- since mom is so close, just go to mom’s.
You are stressed out because you’ve had to listen to shit talking for way too long.
By the way, if mom is bad mouthing dad- you need to have the same conversation with her.
End the negativity and you will feel better, I promise.
My mom and dad argued so much the last 4 years I was home. I had grey hair at my temples in my senior portraits. I also had 3 ulcers. I tried many times to explain how all the arguing made me feel to no avail.
I turned 18 2 months before graduation and had all my things packed. Day of graduation, I left. From then on I interacted with my parents one at a time. They divorced 5 months after I graduated. I have 2 younger siblings. It was not an amicable divorce. My dad went full demon on mom during the divorce.
The least the cheater can do is fix the deck since his actions and the divorce cost your mom and you your home. It also isn’t using him to make the home safer and more comfortable for his child. He should want to do that. Let him do the work and then move out.
You should wait to see about what happens with the house first.
Maybe do this via stealth, go to your mums, and then extend your stay and keep doing that.
If that was my dad I would tell him that I didn’t want to hear his opinion on my mother. I would also suggest you tell him that you may spend some weekends with him but your primary residence will be with your mother. I would just be direct and tell him his hate against your mother is getting old and the way he acts is incredibly insecure. He doesn’t like her. You get it. If he could have just gotten over that you guys could have had a decent relationship. Then make sure you know how much HE stresses you out and you need a break from that so you will be living away from him.
What your dad and step mom are doing is called parental alienation and it’s illegal
Honestly, it sounds like the courts need to be told about the parental alienation your father is doing to turn you against your mother.
Try not to be so hard on dad it sounds like he may be trying to protect you. I noticed that you stated you can’t drive with your mom and you seem to blaming your mom. In an offhand way but then going back to being mad at mom.
Choosing to spend equal time with your mom and dad at your age should be realticy easy. But sit your dad down and ask him why he doesn’t want you moving and when he starts talking bad about your mom tell him to kindly stop and be sure to tell him that it really bothers you.
Forget 50:50 I’d go full time to your mom and tell your dad exactly why. What those 2 are doing is horrible. They are alienating you from your mom and your sister. You are almost a legal adult so you should do what you want in your living situation.
It sounds like you’re being used as a weapon to hurt your mum, and that tells me that it isn’t your mum who is the narcissist. If you’re happier at your mum’s, you don’t have to spend half the time at your dad’s. You don’t have to spend any time there. At your age the court will listen to you.
You’ve got this OP! If it will make it easier, block the stressful texts from your dad & step while youre at your mom’s. Its ok to choose peace. When in doubt, come back and reread this post. Make a good life for yourself and continue to step away from people that get in the way of that!
He probably doesn’t want to pay child support. Put your dad and mom on mute when at your moms