Today was supposed to be a good day. It was a good day. I talked to this girl I liked and we linked. Talked to lot of other people in my class too. I had plans to study and complete my work. Guess what? Nothing worked out.
I am 17. I am diagnosed with OCD, Depression, Anxiety and Anorexia Nervosa. I’ve been hospitalized thrice to combat it. Nothing worked. Nothing will ever work. It won’t.
Today I was studying. My mom came into my room and accused me of stealing her money. I didn’t. I never did. Who is she to accuse me? She made me angry. Very angry. She asked me to open up my drawer. I kept my blade, money and other stuff in there. She then proceeded to open it and rummage through my stuff. I got even more angry. What the fuck. She kept accusing me. I didn’t steal it. I got worked up. Removed my drawer from my wardrobe and threw it at my parents bed. Everything I had perfectly arranged. All gone. All gone. All gone. All gone. Everything I had collected. Everything I had memories with. All gone. All gone. Very nice. Then I went to my room. My beautiful table. So clean. So sleek. So organized. A sight for sore eyes. I got enraged. I completely flipped the table over. I broke my laptop, table, lights, books and everything else. My beautiful OCD table. I’m sorry. Then I proceeded to take my weights and smash it onto the floor. I didn’t. I almost physically hurt both my parent’s. I didn’t feel sorry for them.
I quickly ran out to my grandmother’s house. I decided I wasn’t going to stay here anymore. I want to die. After crying alot I went to my drawer, grabbed 5 bucks and bought Marlboro Gold and smoked it in my bathroom. I wish I had bought more.
After that, my parents sat me down. I told them about my tendencies of choking my classmates if they made fun of me. They were scared. I told them I didn’t care. They deserved it. They started crying. I don’t give a flying fuck. Fuck them. They put me where I am now. I’m going to kill myself. They pleaded and begged me to get better. I have no intention to. I want to die.
I have extreme Homicidal thoughts and no remorse for people suffering. I don’t know why. Fuck this. Fuck all this. I don’t know what to do.
I’d appreciate anyone who can tell me what’s going on with me.
Comments
You’re very angry,so much so you cannot cope with it. You need to remove yourself from the situation
You need to be calm again before you can tackle anything else.you hit overload.
Burn out, whatever you want to call it.
If smoking calms you then go for it, just try to disconnect from the grief that’s been winding you up.
Keep calm and carry on is a well know phrase,and I bring this to you.always available to chat although perhaps a real therapist would be more beneficial to you.
Life can be tough sometimes we all have our own ways to cope. Good luck.
Get a bag and pack it with a blanket and some drink and food and find a place in nature you like and smoke a blunt and maybe bring a book to write what’s going on and read and reflect, it’ll make you feel better if you enjoy weed and get some of that shit out of you.
I was an extremely angry teen where everything and everyone felt like a hurtful joke.
I did 2 years in therapy and it helped me a lot, it’s not about therapy ‘working’ if you find the right therapist they should feel like an information book and give you the answer to the fucked up shit going on for you
Wish you nothing but peace
Who does all that help and hurt? I hope the best for you
Idk what to say i just recommend physical activity to channel your anger. I get it. Sounds stupid. How is lifting weights or running gonna help my problems. Probably won’t. But you said you have anxiety and a nervous disorder. And one thing you can do in the gym is start small and slowly grow. It’s not gonna be easy but it will be rewarding and help you channel your strength. Anyways I’m a meat head so you dont have to listen to me. But you said you tried everything. But have you tried becoming stronger. And I mean meat head level strong. Probably not. But hey I get it Probably something like fighting or wrestling would be better. Fighting and becoming a fighter is probably the best way to beco.e secure cause once you have total control of your body the mind usually follows. Again who am I to say I’m a meat head who uses excersies to cope with lots of things. If you don’t want to don’t. Try anything physical, rock climbing, swimming, biking, running, tennis etc. Who cares what it is as long as it grabs your complete focus and forces you to stop thinking about your problems and focus on the physical excursion of your body completely. That way your mind stops talking.
It sounds like there’s a lot going on, so there isn’t a simple solution or a magic trick that will put it all right instantly. This will take work and that will take time.
It’s ok to not be ok. You just have to find something workable and chip away at it.