My partner & I have been together for nearly 10 years now. His mother has always been good at wrapping her control in the disguise of “concern” and this was the text she sent my partner this morning. For context, they have been outwardly emotionally violent and controlling to me many times over our relationship, making me the butt of many jokes & constantly attempting to establish dominance and superiority over me. I have tried so hard to make myself like able and swallow the hurt but recently, I’ve decided that for my health I have to take some space for myself. His mother reached out to me stating she “missed me” and I explained very politely that I’m just taking some space from everyone not just them so I can heal my nervous system and get my mind right. I wish I could attach photos here to show that it was a polite but also firm boundary (kind of grey rock) and idk why but she seemed to spiral emotionally…she texted me 5 times in 6 days just trying to find things to get me to respond to and when I didn’t, she started texting my partner upset. These were her texts.
(Also to add, my partner eats lunch at their house every weekend, works out with his dad some times in the mornings, has a side business with his dad they do on some weekends & texts them both regularly every week.)
First text:
“I just want you to know I’m not staying away or not coming to see you because I don’t want to, I just feel like I’m not really wanted around. I don’t know what happened.
I would love to visit you and ( my name) if it’s okay too. It makes me sad that we live a few minutes away from our son but hardly ever see each other. Really sad. 😔
I thought you should know how I feel.
It’s been bothering me for a while. It hurts me that (my name) doesn’t come around anymore and doesn’t answer my texts. I just don’t see how we can have a normal relationship with you like this. So I guess she just doesn’t want a relationship with your family anymore, so you have to be realistic on how that’s going to work. And if that’s not the case, then it would be nice to know what’s going on because it’s really messed up.
I’m just concerned about you and the position you are in. If you want, we can talk more in person sometime soon, okay? Let me know when it’s a good time.
This is just how the situation looks to me, and if it’s not like this, then understand that I am in the dark completely as to what it is. I just know it isn’t normal and it isn’t right and it doesn’t feel good.”
He replied that my distance wasn’t about dislike or disrespect & that I just needed time to heal myself (like I told her in my last text to her 🫠) and that he found her approach disrespectful to our relationship of ten years. & That we want a healthy relationship but I need space to figure out what that looks like for me.
Her response:
“I’ve learned a lot about how I react to the world and other people and why I react the way I do and what I’ve learned is it has nothing to do with anyone, but myself and the traumas that I have experienced in my childhood. It’s easy to point fingers and say that everybody outside of me caused everything but truly what I’ve learned is that it’s not Nana or Pappy or Dad or (my name) or anybody else that has hurt me as much as it’s something within me that has been traumatized or damaged. Until she realizes that, and starts looking inward instead of looking at everything everyone else has done, she will never heal. You can’t fix your outside world to suit you. You have to fix the inside and I know she will learn that in time, but I pray that it doesn’t damage our relationship with our son. That’s my only concern.
All I know is that my heart hurts deeply and I just wanted you to know that every day I hurt. And you cannot ask your mother not to hurt. It’s something you cannot and will not understand because you will never be a mother and you are not a parent yet. I just want to have a good relationship with you and the person you love, that’s all.
And it feels awful to be so afraid to voice this with you with the fear that you will reject me and my feelings and emotions altogether. I’ve held this hurt for a while, because I could feel you slipping away.
I have kept quiet for a very long time about a lot of things that have concerned me for your sake, son. I don’t know how (my name) would expect me to know this or especially how to feel by her being absent intentionally and avoiding talking to me. I’ve always been good to her, son. I’ve always shown her love and grace, so how should I feel when she just checks out like that? Any rational adult knows that when someone shuts down, something is wrong or they have done something wrong or they feel they have done something wrong, so how was I supposed to know?
It really hurts your dad too when he feels unwelcome in your home. He knows that you are preventing him from coming in for (my name) and I get it. They have a volatile energy toward each other, but is it going to be that way forever? What if you have children — are we going to be unwelcome? You have to think about things like that. This may make her world comfortable now, but we are your parents until we die. We have to come to some solution to where we can be a family.
Anyway, you don’t have to reply. These are just my thoughts and feelings and you can consider them or ignore them, but when something’s been heavy on your mind for a long time there comes a point where you have to express your feelings, no matter what. I reached that point, son. I’ve tried to be the glue for this family. I tried to do my best as a mother and I’ve sacrificed a lot to do that also so that I could just be a part of my kids’ lives, but it feels like I failed anyway.”
He told her she crossed a line. I still haven’t spoken to her & honestly I don’t really ever want to again after this. The emotional undercurrent has been that I need to behave according to their family rules or else there’s trouble and I’m tired of playing along when it requires me to make myself small for them. And to make myself constantly accessible to them. I feel very hurt that she can’t see my heart after so long. I have gone inward and tried to blame myself 1,000 times…I just can’t keep tearing myself up like that when I can feel this is emotionally icky. Can anyone else weigh in for me 🙏
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All it would take is one “you have to…” or “you need to” and I would lose my mind. Tell him to write “lol tl;dr” in return and mute her. She’s shenanigans
She made that all about herself.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
Your husband needs to leave you out of his communications with his relatives. If you are asking about them, stop. It’s only giving you more anxiety that you don’t need to have. Your husband needs to be able to deal with his relatives without your help so he experiences all the emotional lifting it entails. He doesn’t get to dump it on you and then go about with his merry business. That’s using you as his emotional support device or meat shield. If he needs to whine or vent about his relatives, he can do it to a therapist.
Why the heck is he eating lunch with his father every weekend? Is it because of the business they supposedly share? I say “supposedly” because I’m betting FIL owns and runs the business and dangles it in front of your husband. It’s highly likely your husband will never see any benefits from this business. Your FIL gets almost unlimited access to his son and control over his life. That’s not healthy emotionally and financially, and likely not health-wise.
I’m bemused by your MIL’s statement to your husband: “Her response: “I’ve learned a lot about how I react to the world and other people and why I react the way I do and what I’ve learned is it has nothing to do with anyone, but myself . . .”. So? She’s allowed to know how and why she reacts to the world and other people and the world but you are given the same respect for when you tell her what you need for your life right now? Unfortunately, you gave her way too much information with your “I explained very politely that I’m just taking some space from everyone not just them so I can heal my nervous system and get my mind right.” She’ll only read that your mind isn’t right and she’s the one who can right it. You’ve provided the ammunition she needs to needle you relentlessly about it. She’ll offer it in the guise of “this is what worked for me and I’m nearly perfect, you know; so it’ll work for you, trust me, I know best, yada yada yada”.
This really concerns me: “The emotional undercurrent has been that I need to behave according to their family rules or else there’s trouble and I’m tired of playing along when it requires me to make myself small for them.” Who’s trying to enforce “family rules”? Hopefully, not your husband. Their rules no longer apply to him and his new family. You don’t need children to be your own family. As for “trouble”, what does that entail? They can’t send you to be without your supper, they can’t ground you, etc. They likely hold financial stuff over your husband. That can only be solved when they no longer hold control over him and that’s all on your husband to deal with.
Your husband needs to tell both his mother and father that all communications go through him and that you’ve blocked them, for now, so that they know to only communicate with him.
Keep your doors locked. If they have ever had keys or codes: change them. Protect your safe space, your sanctuary.
You are not preventing your partner from having a relationship with his family at all. She has some controlling fantasy about how things should look/be and in her mind you’re spoiling the party. I am in a similar-ish situation and I know I am being judged merely by maintaining my own peace. Just keep being you and do what you need to take care of yourself. And if you decide to have children, put several hundred miles between them and you.
She is awful. Just keep doing what you are doing. Do not give an inch. You are not wrong. If she doesn’t understand you are protecting your peace then she sees nothing.
When you are ready, be direct with her. “I do not want a relationship with you. I do not believe you are capable of change. The time I have spent away from you has been some of the best time(s) in my life.” And then block her. Tell your partner all coms needs to come through you, and you are entirely disengaging from her.
She said things like you can’t fix outside world to suit you but that’s what exactly she’s doing. How ironic. She’s a hypocrite.
Good for you, OP, for taking a step back to prioritize your needs.
She’s in a complete panic because she can’t control you. You said it best “The emotional undercurrent has been that I need to behave according to their family rules or else there’s trouble and I’m tired of playing along when it requires me to make myself small for them.”
Her response is so out of proportion to you taking a bit of space for yourself. Oof. And notice her lack of concern for you. Not once did she ask if you were okay/going through a hard time/want to talk/etc. It is all about her, her feelings, how this affects her, her opinions, her sadness, her concerns, her, her, her. Ugh.
She’s a lot. I’m glad that you are strong and aware enough to change the dynamic and not allow yourself to be steamrolled. You are doing great-taking back control of your own life is worth the sometimes bumpy ride!
MIL is showing you her cards:
Please continue to protect your peace. You and DH are a team and shouldn’t give in to MIL’s strategies/manipulation.
“I’m sorry you are hurting, mom. You should look inward and work on yourself, instead of trying to fix others to suit you.”
This sounds exactly like my mother in law. It’s so manipulative and exhausting. Expects everyone else to manage her emotions and plays the victim in the chaos she created. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
OMG I was exhausted reading halfway through her texts to you! That is some next level manipulation she subjects you to – and this is her trying to behave! She’s ridiculous and good for you for walking away from her eggshell laden path. Well done, you!
Wtf did I just read from your MIL lol Jesus Christ Almighty like she’s trying to be martyr over you just needed a break from your phone/social media? It’s not that serious for her like chill lady jeez….honestly can’t help but laugh being an outsider but I know it’s got to be a lot on you and your DH dealing with it. She’s just not worth it. Seriously, this is crazy uncalled for behavior.
She’s just trying to create problems because she knows deep down she’s the problem and toxic AF. What a spiral trying to control the narrative but she’s just exposing herself more and more. What a terrible mother bringing all that negative energy to her son.
A NORMAL HEALTHY mother would be like “No worries dear, take all the time you need and if you need anything at all from us just let (DH/son) know to message so you can stay disconnected, hope you feel better soon! Love you!”
Seriously MIL, it’s not hard to be a good kind person unless you’re….just not one.
Wow. Here is what her text is about: me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me. She is PATHOLOGICALLY selfish. Your DH needs to tell her to back the fuck off. You need to mute, block, ignore and just let her stew in her own juices.
ever heard of a Gish gallop? i’ve linked an explanation, and imo her behaviour here is some kind of emotional Gish gallop. when she’s denied access, even with an explanation, she responds with a huge number of inputs, many of which are emotionally manipulative and/or simply untrue. the overall effect is a ton of stress for whoever’s on the receiving end and it makes most people want to respond with corrections, comfort, whatever it takes to make the flood stop. what’s brilliant about her move here is that statements about her feelings can’t be refuted without telling her she’s just being ridiculous which is going to result in another gallop!
however, the essential message is clear: MIL does not believe you’ve hit her threshold for when someone is justified in wanting space, and she’ll respect your boundary when she feels you deserve it. until then, she’ll be making shit up and spamming everyone around you until you give in.
it’s cute, but it’s not impressive. maybe mommy needs a time out every time she sends a novel!
She is a busy body. If she really cared, she would give you guys space and stop trying to dominate every damn thing.
I think she needs to look inward, at her own traumatized self, to realize that you are not the problem. What a psycho! Idk how she went from you being your own issue- that it couldn’t possibly be anything she’s ever done – to blaming you for everything about how she feels. I wish they could see the irony in their nonsense
You need to rip the bandaid off and stop avoiding the inevitable. She gave you a forewarning especially around when you have kids. This will escalate.
You tell her you actually do want space from her and lay it out thickly what you want or don’t want from the relationship with them otherwise she’s going to keep prodding and pocking for a reaction.
If she can’t take accountability or respect your boundaries then she can’t claim she’s been blind-sighted by you when you go no contact.
Your husband can have what ever relationship he wants with them. He needs to tell his mother to stop trying to triangulate him against you and also that he’s man enough to make his own decisions without needing you to parrot his choices on his shoulder like a mini Satan.
Also her dribble about her childhood trauma makes me want to retch. She is trying to martyr herself as a victim whilst simultaneously gaslighting you to not hold her accountable for her shittiness because that’s a you problem apparently. Use that against her next time if she brings it up – I agree MIL your feelings are a you problem, not mine.
She’s a real piece of work.
Its completely absurd that she tells you to turn inward to fix yourself, but then dictates the terms for which you’re allowed to heal – and taking time and space to figure that out isnt allowed because it affects her!
It would be funny if the entire situation wasnt so painful to you, OP.
She starts by making it all about herself. And then continues to make everything about herself, layer after layer. She can’t handle being “shut out” of your business and is on her own mental spiral. I mean, seriously, that is exhausting just to read, must less experience as you and your SO are..
I think she needs to be told exactly why you are going NC with examples of the way you’ve been treated. Maybe then her heart can begin to understand that other people can be responsible for your pain and if you are damaged or traumatized it’s the direct result of how you have been belittled and mistreated by her and FIL.
She feels like she is losing control of you and she doesn’t like it. Let your partner deal with it.
She is wayyyyy too panicked about you just not texting back for a week… she sounds like she’s completely spiraling. ridiculous and exhausting.
Wow! The other commenters have discussed her abject panic over the loss of control. So instead I’ll say that she has given you a gift, in writing, that can never be denied. She has shown you exactly who she is.
If it were me, this would be all I would need for no contact, to ask DH not to share with you anything about his parents, and to decline family events where she is present. And if you or DH have difficulty with your decision to go no contact (due to societally ingrained people pleasing, misplaced feelings of guilt, or trouble with flying monkeys or even your own family and friends telling you to give her another chance) reread her words and find a therapist who understands toxic family systems and emotionally immature parents.
And that’s the real crux of this, her emotional immaturity. She is panicking because you are removing her supply and removing the person she can abuse and control so she can feed her incredibly fragile ego.
Good luck, OP.
Holy cow. Your MIL is exactly like my mom. Several years ago I spent a couple hours telling her all the things she did leading me to cut back contact because she claimed she had no idea what she’d done wrong and we hadn’t talked in 1.5 years. Of course she denied, lied, lied more, blamed me, the usual.
Then at the end when I told her I was going to take another break because she learned nothing, she told me she thought what I really needed was for her to come stay with me to take care of me. FML. I said absolutely not and I haven’t spoken to her since. It’s so peaceful.
She says that her own issues come from inside—- but then continues to blame you for everything.
Right.
She is trying to dictate the terms of your (you and partner’s) relationship and those terms are : suffocation, self-pity and pathological clinginess.
Yikes. No way.
Was trying to count all the me, my and Is and I kept losing count. Suffice to say it was a LOT
The dramatic summary of her text: Dear son, please make OP worship the person I am because I am wonderful. Force her to be nicer, kinder, more welcoming and blame herself for any (and all) issues that she causes. We’re the best family ever and since she won’t bow down to all my wants and needs, I’m going to make sure you take my side. My dear baby boy, you’re my baby boy first, so get rid of OP. Think of my needs as a grandparent and mother. We’re family, she isn’t.
Good lord she’s delusional.
Partner needs to put a little space between him and his family. Maybe limit the morning workouts and lunch. Be direct: “Your texts about OP are hurtful and inaccurate. I love OP and when you attack her, it hurts me to see my parents attacking the person I love most.”
MIL sounds like an overbearing control freak who is feeling like she is no longer in control hence going for a mega dose of emotional manipulation to guilt her son and yourself into doing what she wants.
So she blames you for your issues and blames you for her issues and can’t work out why you said I need a break to heal.
I’d definitely put her on indefinite pause! Hey MIL, I realise how much more peace and a sense of calm I have in my life without you in it so I hope you can understand but bad luck if you can’t, I’m not looking to resume anything that involves you!
When you said she seeks to “establish dominance and superiority” over you, I felt a chill because that is to a T what my MIL was like and what caused me to eventually put a lot of distance between myself and her. It’s sad how common this dynamic is. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that, and that you’ve been doing so for so long, starting at such a young age.
Kudos for recognizing her toxicity and refusing to put up with it. Keep at it. She really confirmed with her texts that your decision to distance yourself is the right one. Her texts are transparently manipulative and overly dramatic. There’s just so much projection and an instant pivot to blaming you for an imagined future of parental estrangement.
You sound like you’re above her pettiness. Good for you. Don’t let her drag you into her misery, and keep sticking up for yourself
Holy hell that’s insane and sounds just like my MIL. Nip it in the bud before you have kids since I saw she mentioned it (if you choose to have kids of course).
We told my in-law’s we were pregnant via surrogacy and also moving 10 hours away for my new job. They flipped their shit that they wouldn’t be able to see the baby all the time and were trying to buy flight passes to come up every weekend and stay with us lol. We ended up having a miscarriage and adopting our amazing baby boy recently, they are not very pro adoption (some kind of freaky biology lineage complex) and have made some pretty nasty comments to us but I guess the blessing is that they don’t really want any involvement now.
My MIL would pull the same sob story tho I just changed my number and blocked her for good measure. Protect your peace!!
MIL is operating from a position that she is only reacting to the people, and environment around her. She takes no responsibility for her response or actions. You can’t work with people like that because they throw all responsibility outwards.
She’s very manipulative isn’t she now?!
I’d never spend time around her ever again. She’s really disgusting, she wants to sow discord in your marriage.
She KNOWS she’s caused this. Evil cow.
Time to lay it all out for husband. No more will you spend time with his terrible, cruel mother. You’ve had a ten year stretch, free yourself from her permanently.
He needs to step up as she’s long overdue consequences for her poor behaviour towards you, even if it is 10 years late.
“It makes me sad that we live a few minutes away from our son but hardly ever see each other.”
“Every day I hurt.”
“She will never heal until she starts looking inward instead of blaming others.”
“Any rational adult knows that when someone shuts down, something is wrong or they’ve done something wrong.”
“What if you have children — are we going to be unwelcome?”
“You will never understand because you’re not a mother.”
“We have to come to some solution to where we can be a family.”
“You don’t have to reply… just my thoughts and feelings…”
Holy manipulation tactics, Batman! Not sure how you’ll ever comfortably navigate a relationship with this woman, but good luck!
Ew ew ew ew ew EW. So many words, gross. So much manipulation. I’m glad your husband seems to see through the BS and willing to keep your boundaries. This may be an extinction burst. This is what happened with my JNMom. She couldn’t handle any separation or threat to her reign and started going nuclear and texting like this. Stay strong! Give in now and you’ll have a hard time getting out again. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. That lady is twisted.
Don’t know if the thought that text through. Because now whenever she complains about things not going her way, husband can remind her how the world isn’t there to suit her. How she really needs to do introspective work. Save the text, screenshot it. I’d use that every time she has an issue with something. Let her manipulation haunt her.
This subreddit is built to bash on MILs.
My mother could’ve written these exact texts word for word. Please give your husband a lot of grace.
Going out on a limb… would I be right if I guessed you’re an immigrant family?
“I have kept this in for a very long time… blah blah blah… you, my son, are my only concern… blah blah… OP is at fault, why is she doing this to me!?!… blah blah… I have no idea why she would hurt me… blah blah blah… I do so much for this family and no-one praises me for it… blah blah… you are responsible for my feelings even though I’m not taking any responsibility for my behaviour.”
Cry me a river. She’s a martyr who refuses to take her own advice regarding looking inwards.
Stand strong OP, this drivel is pure victimhood and manipulation.
Agree with what everyone has said. She is extremely manipulative. I’m sorry you are experiencing this.
She is trying to push the narrative that you are the problem and trying to drive a wedge between you and SO. I really hope he has your back. I have experienced this with my MIL and my SO does not have my back at all and it’s a nightmare. It really affected my mental health especially at first because I started to believe I was the problem. I hope you both can stay strong and your SO will prioritise his relationship with you and protect you from this.
Incredibly manipulative.
‘I’ve learned is that it’s not Nana or Pappy or Dad or (my name) or anybody else that has hurt me as much as it’s something within me that has been traumatized or damaged. Until she realizes that, and starts looking inward instead of looking at everything everyone else has done, she will never heal. You can’t fix your outside world to suit you.’
This is her way of saying I know I’ve caused this but you’re not allowed to blame me or call me out on it.
Take some time to consider how you need things to go to move forward and then be VERY clear and upfront with her. Hold your boundaries after. It will be hard with some one like her (I have two of them to deal with) but she only does what she does because everyone lets her.
Your MIL’s got some serious gaslighting and manipulation skills. “Until she realizes it’s her own trauma” is a classic deflection. And that part about you not understanding because you’re not a mother? That’s just a low blow. You and your partner are setting boundaries for your own sanity, and that’s valid. If she can’t respect that, maybe distance is the best solution. Your emotional well-being is worth more than her approval.
Your MIL’s texts are classic manipulation, blaming you for her feelings, dismissing your need for space, and guilt-tripping your partner. She’s ignoring your boundaries and trying to control the narrative. Your partner’s response was spot on: firm, clear, and protective of your healing. It’s okay to prioritize your well-being and limit contact with her. You don’t have to “make yourself small” or sacrifice your peace to maintain a relationship that feels toxic. Trust your feelings, they’re valid.
It brings some clarity that she put it all in a text.
She lies that she is “in the dark” because you explained exactly what was going on.
She lies that she “has always shown [you] love and grace”.
She heard your and your husband’s explanation that you need space. Her response is to alternately ignore it and actively argue against it.
I hope your husband realizes (and I think her can tell her so) that this whole text thing is just a continuation of the same problem. You haven’t ever been able to do anything without her judging, making fun, putting you down, arguing with you etc. And now when you try to back off (instead of blowing up at them) to avoid drama and find some of your peace, she won’t let that happen and she can’t help herself from judging, making fun, putting you down, and arguing.
She spent all this time thinking what she wants to unload, but doesn’t realize that stacking up all of these insults and judgements about you makes you less likely to engage with her, which is what she says she wants. I think actions speak louder than words. It has always been more important to her to feel “right” then to have a positive relationship with you. In her mind “family” means that everyone does what she wants.
It is ironic that she says she had to learn to look inward because the external world can’t always be the problem, but she’s doing the exact opposite.
Reading your other post – you paint a very different picture of your life and relationship with your husband than you do in this post.
I’m not honestly sure how to respond because of how different your relationship with your husband and the relationship with his mom is so vastly different. In this post he seems to put distance between you and his mom and seems to have your back. But in your post two days ago he seems to be frustrated with what you are asking him and seems to actually spend a lot of time with his parents.